Downgrade Your Relationship to Upgrade Your Sex Life
By Lance on May 7, 2009 in Relationships
So it’s been approximately two months since I’ve broken up with Megan and we’re now in this weird zone where we’re not GF-BF, we’re not casually dating, and we’re still sleeping with each other. We’re also technically exclusive. The exclusivity mostly comes from me having suck-ass game right now, as I’ve been on several dates with other women and couldn’t get anything going. Megan has opted not to put herself on the market even though I told her it’s perfectly fine if she wants to do that.
There are pro’s and con’s with this situation and the jury is still out (for me) on whether it’s worth it. I set this situation up on the night of our breakup when I simply said that if she ever wanted to get together for drinks and a sleepover, I would be down with that. Megan was initially against the idea but was clearly intrigued by it. We proceeded to have ass kicking breakup sex that night. And we’ve hooked up many times since.
Sex Has Improved Significantly
The biggest pro is that since our breakup, our sex life has improved dramatically. And that’s saying something, as it was already the best relationship sex either of us had ever had. I’d say that if our previous sex life was an 8 out of 10, it’s now a solid 9, maybe a 9.5. We’re more experimental, kinkier, more spontaneous, and just plain hotter. We get together maybe 2 or 3 times per week and fuck like rabbits. Weird but true.
Why is this?? I think it’s because we’re more emotionally charged and more appreciative of the time we spend together since there is now less of it. For me, having more time and emotional space has allowed me to get back to a place where I miss her during the week, whereas previously when she was my GF, I didn’t miss her at all, and in fact there were stretches where I was sick of her (and I’m sure she was sick of me). I try harder to make sure we have a good time and we always go out before hooking up. We flirt with each other more often now. I see her in a different light.
It makes me wonder, why do people live with each other? Why do couples get into LTR’s where they go so long that their sex lives disappear and they lose all attractiveness to each other? I know the answers to those questions, but having a a great fuck buddy relationship really makes you wonder.
The Negatives
There are plenty of negatives, most of them for Megan. Obviously, there is no long term potential and no stability. She doesn’t feel like she can count on me to be there down the road and, since we’re NOT in an LTR, she’s right. I’m happy to be friends with her, but that’s it. I think another huge negative, again mostly for her, is that it’s not socially acceptable for her to be in an FB-relationship. Her parents frown on it, her sister is really against it, and her friends don’t like it either. They all put a lot of pressure on her to break it off cleanly. For me, it’s completely socially acceptable to maintain a casual relationship and that’s reinforced by my male friends on a daily basis.
The big negative for me is that it makes me lazy and unmotivated to improve my game and get back into the dating pool. I also know it’s a struggle for her to deal with the social aspects of the new, weird relationship, and that makes me feel bad. I genuinely want the best for her and I want her to find what she’s looking for, and she probably won’t do that while we’re sleeping together. At some point one of us is going to have to cut it off and move on, but what the hell, it’s okay for now.
Takeaways
Try downgrading your relationship to upgrade the sex, but break only in case of emergency. Don’t go breaking up with perfectly good girlfriends if there’s nothing wrong. I would only recommend this relationship type for two mature, consenting adults who know exactly what the score is and where they stand. This can be a great arrangement for two super-busy professionals who don’t have time to be in an LTR.
One big takeaway I did get is that inserting spaces between our get-togethers really makes me miss her, and that amps the attraction in a huge way. If you’re in a perfectly good LTR, I recommend inserting some space in between get-togethers. As an example, instead of seeing each other every day/night, go three days without seeing each other. Try this a couple of times per month or however much you’re comfortable. Like David DeAngelo says, you want to miss each other. As another example, I would even go so far as to not communicate at all for a couple of days, like taking a break from phone, email, text, etc. Obviously, you have to discuss this together first and approach it as a technique for varying up your relationship, and not just being lazy or not caring.
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