Downgrade Your Relationship to Upgrade Your Sex Life

So it’s been approximately two months since I’ve broken up with Megan and we’re now in this weird zone where we’re not GF-BF, we’re not casually dating, and we’re still sleeping with each other. We’re also technically exclusive. The exclusivity mostly comes from me having suck-ass game right now, as I’ve been on several dates with other women and couldn’t get anything going. Megan has opted not to put herself on the market even though I told her it’s perfectly fine if she wants to do that.

There are pro’s and con’s with this situation and the jury is still out (for me) on whether it’s worth it. I set this situation up on the night of our breakup when I simply said that if she ever wanted to get together for drinks and a sleepover, I would be down with that. Megan was initially against the idea but was clearly intrigued by it. We proceeded to have ass kicking breakup sex that night. And we’ve hooked up many times since.

Sex Has Improved Significantly

The biggest pro is that since our breakup, our sex life has improved dramatically. And that’s saying something, as it was already the best relationship sex either of us had ever had. I’d say that if our previous sex life was an 8 out of 10, it’s now a solid 9, maybe a 9.5. We’re more experimental, kinkier, more spontaneous, and just plain hotter. We get together maybe 2 or 3 times per week and fuck like rabbits. Weird but true.

Why is this?? I think it’s because we’re more emotionally charged and more appreciative of the time we spend together since there is now less of it. For me, having more time and emotional space has allowed me to get back to a place where I miss her during the week, whereas previously when she was my GF, I didn’t miss her at all, and in fact there were stretches where I was sick of her (and I’m sure she was sick of me). I try harder to make sure we have a good time and we always go out before hooking up. We flirt with each other more often now. I see her in a different light.

It makes me wonder, why do people live with each other? Why do couples get into LTR’s where they go so long that their sex lives disappear and they lose all attractiveness to each other? I know the answers to those questions, but having a a great fuck buddy relationship really makes you wonder.

The Negatives

There are plenty of negatives, most of them for Megan. Obviously, there is no long term potential and no stability. She doesn’t feel like she can count on me to be there down the road and, since we’re NOT in an LTR, she’s right. I’m happy to be friends with her, but that’s it. I think another huge negative, again mostly for her, is that it’s not socially acceptable for her to be in an FB-relationship. Her parents frown on it, her sister is really against it, and her friends don’t like it either. They all put a lot of pressure on her to break it off cleanly. For me, it’s completely socially acceptable to maintain a casual relationship and that’s reinforced by my male friends on a daily basis.

The big negative for me is that it makes me lazy and unmotivated to improve my game and get back into the dating pool. I also know it’s a struggle for her to deal with the social aspects of the new, weird relationship, and that makes me feel bad. I genuinely want the best for her and I want her to find what she’s looking for, and she probably won’t do that while we’re sleeping together. At some point one of us is going to have to cut it off and move on, but what the hell, it’s okay for now.


Try downgrading your relationship to upgrade the sex, but break only in case of emergency. Don’t go breaking up with perfectly good girlfriends if there’s nothing wrong. I would only recommend this relationship type for two mature, consenting adults who know exactly what the score is and where they stand. This can be a great arrangement for two super-busy professionals who don’t have time to be in an LTR.

One big takeaway I did get is that inserting spaces between our get-togethers really makes me miss her, and that amps the attraction in a huge way. If you’re in a perfectly good LTR, I recommend inserting some space in between get-togethers. As an example, instead of seeing each other every day/night, go three days without seeing each other. Try this a couple of times per month or however much you’re comfortable. Like David DeAngelo says, you want to miss each other. As another example, I would even go so far as to not communicate at all for a couple of days, like taking a break from phone, email, text, etc. Obviously, you have to discuss this together first and approach it as a technique for varying up your relationship, and not just being lazy or not caring.

If this post made you want to break up with your girlfriend to improve your sex life, you might also like these posts:

  1. Honey’s Take: The Key To Successful Relationships
  2. Lance’s Take: Key to Successful Relationships
  3. Are We Doomed to Relationship Failure?
  4. Man Gets Dumped For Being Excellent Boyfriend
  • Honey

    The BF and I miss each other every day! He hates getting up, so in the morning he begs me not to leave, to get back in bed and have hot sex with him…sometimes I do, late to work be damned!

    I get home before he does and can’t wait for him to get back!

    That said, we do each go out with our own friends, and I’m going to go on vacation without him for a week or so (maybe 10 days) this summer.

    Sometimes interacting with the same person in a different places does a lot…I am thinking that even if the BF can’t take vacation this summer we should get a petsitter and spend a weekend in a swanky hotel here in town…just to be different. The sex is always hotter in a new place!

  • dadshouse

    Great post! Exes make good fuck buddies because they know each other’s likes, and there’s some emotional connection. I think you hit the negatives on the head. Enjoy it while you’re both getting some!

  • used tires

    A friend of mine who was engaged, went threw a break up, and afterwords they were still “doing it”, later on… eventually they got back together. Not saying that it’s going to happen with you and Megan… but I guess these things happen quite alot.

    Till then,


  • Ryan Stephens

    I’m on the same page as RP here. I was in a very LTR in college and she stayed with me all the time. When I came home from baseball practice, there. When I woke up in the morning, there, etc. It was great for awhile, but at some point it starts getting ‘comfortable’ (and I’m sure suffocating for some, though I didn’t experience that.)

    We had a very strong relationship, but our other relationships with friends, etc. were slowly starting to deteriorate when we would only go out for a little bit, watch movies all weekend, cook for each other instead of going out with others.

    Balance is key, and we didn’t have it. I find that when you each have your own lives apart from your significant other, the relationships are a lot more successful in the long run.


  • Hammer

    I am a big fan of the FB relationships as supplemental sex, particularly when your game is sucking. That said, there is a major issue with motivation when you’re in this kind of relationship.

    I was in a similar situation recently, and to remedy the situation I took a 1:1 with El Topo and made a rule for myself that it was same night lay or die. If I took numbers, it was only to booty call later in the night, and I’d delete them the next day.

    This worked well for me and helped me really get my game in shape. It was also a lot of fun. It really changes the power dynamic of your interactions because you know that you have no interest in her beyond sex that night. As a result, I would just essentially push to get somewhere or get blown out so you can move onto the next girl. You’d be amazed at some of the sexual things I got away with saying. You get a far better understanding of boundaries this way too.

    Hammer´s last blog post…Textcalation

  • Simon

    Honey, you live in some strange candy land where everything seems to work out with you and your boyfriend. That is (potentially) awesome.

    Lance, you are the man.

    Simon´s last blog post…A Whisper For Assistance by Simon

  • Evan

    Well said, Lance. A really interesting assessment of post-break up relationships. Great work.

    Evan´s last blog post…A Reader Stops Chasing the Blistering Inferno of Lust…And Finds Love!

  • Honey

    Eh. I was all stressed out yesterday because everything’s crazy at work and then I picked a casserole recipe that was WAY too hard in an attempt to wind down when I got home, so by the time he got home from work I was a basket case and picked a fight with him and started crying. So we have our ups and downs.

    But we are going to see STOMP tonight so that should be fun…

  • Erica

    As a self-respecting single mom, I’m all for FB’s, but I’m curious to know Megan’s thoughts – Since the negatives would most likely have the biggest impact on her in the long run.

    That being said, golly I’d sure like a FB.

  • Tiffany @ Engagement 101

    I know everyone is different and the dynamics of a relationship can entirely depend on the people involved, but…I don’t see this ever working for me. When a relationship is over, it’s over. Like, boyfriend who? And I don’t see how it can be particularly healthy either for a friend relationship or an intimate one. It’s like being stuck in some kind of sex purgatory.

  • Eathan

    Nice way to come back to the blogging world. I might need to come to Florida and give you a refresher on the Swirl pick up. lol

    On a serious note, it’s the comfort level that allows you to have a great sex life with her. It truly sounds like it’s not over. I’m not sure which one is hanging on more.. but that’s the impression I get.

    Eathan´s last blog post…My Arch Nemisis Is Affecting My Dating

  • Honey

    I think that, like others have hinted at, the reason that the sex is so great is that you don’t have to split your attention/focus/energy on your compatibility AND the sex…it’s all on the sex. And you know each other and know you’re not going to get a disease, so there’s that comfort level, too.

    IMO, while FB can work with exes, not RECENT exes. One (or both) of you is going to make the mistake of thinking that because you are getting along better, having better sex…that you should try and get back together. But if you do, you will only go back to exactly the same dynamic as you had when you were dating, and make each other miserable.

    Honey´s last blog post…Defining Casual Sex

  • The Dateable Dork

    Lance, my dear, if you’re having dirty, dirty sex, I want the freaking details! : )

  • Adonis

    I’ve always found that it is easier to start the relationship out more casual then up things later if you want…Going the other way around has never been as easy to work out…

  • Lance

    Erica, thanks for commenting. I admit, it hasn’t been a big sex party for the last two months. There have been blowups, miscommunications, and hurt feelings. I don’t recommend this unless both parties are ABSOLUTELY certain about what they are getting into and where the stand. I would even go so far as to say that both people have to be actively looking at other prospects. It would also be smart to insert a “cooling off” period between the end of the LTR and the beginning of the FB, say a month or so.

    For me, the insight has been the spacing and the time management. I’ve definitely found my current boundary on the amount of time & energy I can put into a relationship, and that is less than what most chicks are looking for.

    Lance´s last blog post…Vague Dissatisfactions

  • Lance

    Haha, funny comment. Most couples don’t have the great LTR that Honey has. I’m very happy for her, though.

    Lance´s last blog post…Vague Dissatisfactions

  • Lance

    I’ll work on it. I had another multi-hour, 20 orgasm encounter about 2 weeks ago I can probably bust out.

    Lance´s last blog post…Vague Dissatisfactions

  • Janak

    As a male cyber-acquaintance, I would just like to take this opportunity to reinforce the essential okayness of your heartless fornicatory adventure.

    Janak´s last blog post…Weekly Roundup – Top 10 Casual Sex Links from Around the Web

  • Single Mom Seeking

    Ditto on the details… double dare you!

    The current hot man in my life has taken off to go rafting for a week — while I’m home packing to move. Granted, he invited me on the trip, so it’s not like he just split town… But I’m too stressed to actually miss him in THAT way right now.

    Honey, what was that challenging casserole recipe? You crack me up.

    Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post…A boyfriend and a blog

  • Honey

    OH, SMS, it was AWFUL. It had at least 10 ingredients (potatoes, carrots, onions, tofu, snap peas, green beans, rice, tofu, cheese and I know I’m forgetting SOMETHING) that all had to be cooked separately prior to being put in the casserole and cooked AGAIN, PLUS homemade cheese sauce. It took probably 3 hours. Never. Again.

    Honey´s last blog post…Best. Party. Ever.

  • Sandra

    I think FB sex can work for some. In fact, it works for a lot of people, so it must be good.

    I don’t do it, because it’s like a guy telling me

    “I still want to fuck you, but now I don’t have to call you, and if I want to bang another girl and just drop you without telling you, you have to accept that. Oh and btw, if I want to cancel sex with you at the last minute, you can’t be upset either.”

  • Cy-Fi

    This guy is so full of it. “Megan” must either be a total dog or extremely psychotic/desperate.
    It’s very easy to tell the men that make up stories about their “relationships” – you can usually tell by the matter of fact tone or the self inflating comments.