Do You Let Your Kids Know You’re Getting Nooky?

So I’ve been reading a buttload of single parent blogs lately and got inspired to ask this question: Should single parents let their kids know they have sex? If so, to what degree would you discuss your sex life with your children, and at what age is this appropriate? Obviously, since I’m not a parent, I don’t have to worry about this any time soon, but I thought it was an interesting query. The REASON I thought it was interesting was because I struggle with how much to project myself as a sexual being to friends and family. I also think parental advice on sex is generally FUCKING TERRIBLE, and this is a problem. I know my parents didn’t teach me about the birds and bees and I had to learn via trial and error.

My take is pretty simple. We’re humans, humans are sexual creatures, and it’s okay to let others know that you’re a sexual being. In fact, it’s more than okay, it’s healthy. I talk about sex all the time with my friends (shocker right?) and I project my sexuality to a lot of my co-workers. I want people to know that I’m single, straight, and looking. With work friends, I’ll keep it humorous and light. An example would be if I’m having lunch with co-workers and I see a cute girl in the restaurant. I won’t go on and on about how much I want to bonk the girl, but I’ll point out her out. Simple.

What brought me to this realization in a real life way (ie not reading books) is that I coach a women’s sport in my free time. The athletes are college age. The athletes KNOW I’m single, so I let them know via light small comments that I find OTHER women MY AGE to be attractive. What I’ll do here is tell them that I had a date or something on Friday night (skimp on details). That communicates to the athletes that I’m off limits to them, and it also communicates that I’m a regular, healthy guy and not a purveyor of kiddie porn. In other words, it establishes a common sexual ground and at the same time sets the boundaries. The result is that everyone is comfortable with each other. Further, this helps me because the athletes feel comfortable enough to talk about their personal problems, which are often boy problems. If they’re talking to me about personal problems, I can be a more effective coach.

Back to my original question about parents letting kids know that mom and dad are doing it. Parents, would you let your kids know you have sex, and if so, at what age and to what degree? If you ARE talking to them about the bird and bees, are you teaching them anything…I mean, really teaching the down and dirty stuff? If you’re not, what are your expectations for them once they start having sex?

POST EDIT: Just thought of a few more edgy questions to get you thinking. Okay, if you’re down with teaching your kids about sex, would you teach a daughter how to properly give a blowjob? Your son how to give head? Where the g-spot is and how to stimulate it? If you don’t do this, is okay for them to learn via books or the Internet. Or porn? Hey, it wouldn’t be our blog if we didn’t push limits.

This post was inspired from reading these blogs, check’em out:

  • http://mssinglemama.com Ms. Single Mama

    My son is two – so fortunately, he’s still completely unaware. This is a hurdle I’ll have to clear soon enough though. I plan on being as honest and open as possible – but if he ever walked in on me, I would be mortified and freaking out.

  • http://evilwoobie.com evilwoobie

    Yep. When my son is old enough to understand (around 12 nowadays) he must know that people over 18 have sex. And, I won’t even use the euphemism “make love” because this will confuse him, like i was confused about it. I’ll tell him that sex is ok for consenting adults who like each other, and best when practiced in a safe manner. of course, the respect for women who say no and never to treat women like playthings will also be preached.

    evilwoobies last blog post..Saying Goodbye to the Single Life with a Bang and a Peep Show

  • http://cheekiebacktalk.blogspot.com cheekie

    Well, my boy is 9, so no, he doesn’t know I am getting any…lol.
    I try to keep that life separate from my life with him, no boyfriends over ‘after kiddo goes to sleep’ (I find that really tacky and imagine being a kid and waking up from a nightmare to find Mom’s ass over the side of the sofa??? and some naked strange man behind her???). I am lucky though, I share custody, so I have plenty of free nights for that kinda fun.
    Sofa and all.

    He has asked some very specific questions, and I have been as honest as possible. Age appropriately of course.
    When he first asked me about how babies are made (he was about 5).
    He said ‘Mom, how do babies get in mommies tummies?’
    I said ‘Well, it takes a man and a woman and they each have special ingredients and they put them together in there, it’s kinda like baking a cake’
    He said ‘Special ingredients? what like elbow grease?’
    NO joke! It was all I could do to keep myself from saying ‘Ya well if you’re doing it right’…but of course I didn’t.

    Another time he was having ‘issues’ with his ‘penis’ (we use proper names btw).
    Seems it ‘wouldn’t stay down’ and was ‘irritating me while I’m trying to play Super Mario’…lol
    Well, not being a guy, but understanding how uncontrollable that part of the body can be, I just said ‘well, ignore it, it will go down on it’s own’ and he said ‘but why is it doing this, it’s really bothering me’
    to which I replied ‘well sweetie, get used to it, they tend to have a mind of their own’…
    poor kid freaked out and said ‘WHAT? you mean I have TWO brains???’
    I just looked at him totally deadpan and said ‘YUP’

    LOL…
    (he is getting to that age though, and I am going to have to lock up my ‘tickle trunk’…)

    cheekies last blog post..Amy winehouse – Fuck me pumps

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    Lance, this is a fabulous post. I especially like how you set boundaries with the girls team you coach, but still let them know you’re a healthy male. For some reason I’ve run into a lot of women who think talking about sex is creepy. (Who has more issues – us or them?)

    My daughter is 16. I talked to her about the birds and bees when she was entering 6th grade, i.e 11 years old. We talked biology, peer pressure, love, fun, etc. And yes, I explained to her what a blowjob was. (But no, I didn’t give her pointers. She thought they sounded gross!)

    She knows I date and have sex. I don’t think she wants to think about it. Whether she’s repulsed or not, who knows. When I was in high school, my parents were old and out of shape. I’m pretty fit, and I date attractive women, so maybe my daughter isn’t totally freaked out. And you know what? I kind of don’t want to ask her!

    dadshouses last blog post..A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose

  • http://www.singlemomseeking.com/blog Single Mom Seeking

    Very bold post Lance!

    I agree with the other single parents here: it depends on your child’s age.

    As I wrote in my blog recently, I took my eight-year-old to see the movie “Baby Mama.” She wanted to know, “Whats’ in that thermos?” (sperm).

    Like “Cheekie,” my kid and I had a great discussion about how babies are made — not about sex, but about sperm and eggs.

    I also wrote recently about when my kid found my giant dildo. She wanted to know what it was for. I said, “Massage.” Did I specify where the massaging takes place? No! Inappropriate.

    The key here is ASKING your child questions.

    So often, as parents, we guess, we misinterpret. When really, all we need to do is ask, “Do you have any questions about ____?”

    In a few years, I’ll be where Dad’s House is today… and no doubt, I’ll turn to him for advice.

  • http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com Cathouse Teri

    What a topic! And these same questions came to my mind when I was participating in Dad’s recent interruptus post.

    It’s hard to come up with any definite guidelines, because so much depends on the dynamics of each family. But I can give you my perspective from my own experience.

    My children are all in their twenties now, so I do have kind of a 20/20 hindsight to offer. (That’s a lotta twenties!)

    I tried to teach my children that lingerie outfits and nudity are not dirty things. But they should be reserved for… oh for lack of a better term… a lover’s chamber. Reserved for an intimate situation. I did not raise my children in a household where immodesty was perpetuated. (Really, Teri? And your name is Cathouse? Well it wasn’t then! hehehe My name was MOM!)

    There really was never a time when my kids asked me to give them any manner of details about sex. And quite frankly, I don’t really think it’s necessary for parents to feel compelled to inform their kids on this subject, unless they live in the mountains or some isolated culture of that sort.

    I learned about sex from my friends. My kids learned about it from theirs. They did know that in order to have children, you have to have sex. When they were very young, they would ask about this. How does a baby get in there? I would say, “Moms and dads have sex to get the baby in there.” They never asked me for more than that.

    When they were older and they began to understand what sex was, they were VERY (and I mean VERY) uncomfortable with the idea that mom and dad did that. And we were fine with them remaining oblivious to when and where we did. On the other hand, we didn’t pretend we didn’t do it. And again, I tried to make sure that we weren’t teaching them that it was dirty. But it was private.

    I also think that when a young child (especially boys seem to do this) is playing with themselves, it’s best to just tell them that they are to do that in private. Don’t tell them to stop. Or that it’s wrong. Just do it in private. I didn’t have this issue with my children, but I have been around some that seem to be quite fixated with their equipment. After they go off in private a few times, they lose interest because they aren’t around everyone and having fun.

    When I got divorced, the kids remained with their father. He certainly did not have women over for any kind of sexual encounter. And I certainly did not tell my children about any of my sexual encounters. My youngest son was only twelve at the time of the divorce. He would get upset if a man even mildly flirted with me. Sex with me would be out of the question.

    I did have a steady boyfriend at one point. We all went on a trip to Utah for Christmas. I made sure we slept in separate bedrooms and if we “got together” it was when everyone was asleep.

    My advice? I don’t think children should be at all informed about their parents’ sex lives. I think it should be kept entirely separate. Especially if the kids are teenagers, or preteens. Once they are adults, the subject kind of gets gradually worked into one of more open communication. Although my kids STILL don’t want me to discuss the intricacies of sex. On any level. Which is fine with me. They know me and how I am and they think it’s great. They just don’t want to know the specific details.

    But really, the main thing is honesty. If they honestly ask you things, you really need to do your best to answer them. You don’t have to be exhaustive in the details of a subject. but for the sake of the trust relationship, just don’t lie.

    You may wonder how all this turned out. My daughter was not one of the type that throws herself at boys to get “that” kind of attention. My boys were also very secure with their sexuality and comfortable with girls. My oldest had his first sexual experience when he was almostt 22 years old. My daughter was nearly twenty when she had hers. My youngest son… eh, he was probably sixteen. My oldest son will be 27 next month. He has two children and adores them. My youngest son is 20 and has a one-year-old daughter. She is the sun and moon to him. Both of them excellent fathers. Daughter? No interest in having children right now.

    I have a very close bond with all of my children and I believe they feel they can tell me anything at all without fear of judgment.

    Oh, and I can guarantee you that I will not be advising my daughter on giving a blowjob. Nor my sons on G-spots. And I would never encourage a steady indulgence in porn for anyone.

    Cathouse Teris last blog post..Woman, Thy Name is Whore

  • http://cheekiebacktalk.blogspot.com cheekie

    Teri, I agree with you completely!
    I have ever intention of being ‘the cool mom’ but dammit, I am NOT buying my kid condoms…that kind of embarrassment lesson is a milestone in every boy’s life…let him bloody well do it!

    btw, I used to work in a daycare parttime and the little girls were the worst for ‘playing with themselves’…seriously. nap time was difficult for me. little boys just think it’s a toy, little girls figure out the whole pleasure connection really early…it’s kinda threw me at first. but then I learned to just tell them that ‘that is something to be done in private, not in public’…yikes.

    cheekies last blog post..Amy winehouse – Fuck me pumps

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    I got walked in on twice, age 17, by mom. Fairly embarassing but not too bad. She grills me about using condoms STILL.

  • http://40ssingleness.blogspot.com/ lisaq

    My oldest daughter, who is now 23, started developing very, very young. I remember walking into the bathroom when she was in about 2nd grade and damn near falling over. Girlfriend was already getting boobies! From that moment on, sex education began. I was very intentional giving her the resources needed. I was also very careful to make sure my girls knew that sex was NOT a taboo topic and that they could talk to me about it whenever they wanted to about anything they wanted to. I’ve always been very open about it.

    That being said, the oldest would rather not know any details of mom’s sex life. If I make a reference to it, she’ll stop me and say, “Mom! Sometimes you need to stop talking!”

    The youngest, who is 19, could give a crap. Doesn’t bother her in the least. Just the other night, when I was considering a trip to China, I updated my twitter with just that info. This also updates my facebook. A few minutes later, she wrote on my wall, “A trip to China? What?” When I explained that she wasn’t here to cock block for me she was like, “Oh, okay. Cool.”

    I wouldn’t have an issue with teaching them how to give a blow job or talking to them about g spot stimulation if they asked. Then again, they are 19 & 23.

    lisaqs last blog post..Mixed Messages or Scrambled Signals?

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    Teri, you’re funny (as always), and made great points, as did everyone. Regarding talking to my daughter about oral sex – I discussed them with my daughter to arm her with information against 6th and 7th grade boys who were pressuring girls into giving blowjobs in the bathroom at the local school. We also talked about peer pressure.

    dadshouses last blog post..A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose

  • http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com Cathouse Teri

    Funny thing. The only time I came close to talking to my kids about oral sex is when they too often used the phrase, “you suck.” I said, “Do you know what that means?” When I told them, they STOPPED saying it.

    Later though, when my daughter was older, she playfully said to me, “Mom, you suck!” To which I said, “You wish!”

    She never said that to me again! hahaha

    Cathouse Teris last blog post..Woman, Thy Name is Whore

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Giant dildo? Dude, I just got 55% wood on that one. Nice.

  • http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com Cathouse Teri

    And what would I do with 55% wood?

    Cathouse Teris last blog post..Woman, Thy Name is Whore

  • Me Thinks

    I have to chime in as single mom here. Depends on the age of your kid(s). Mine are 5 & 7, young enough I can have a BF over after bedtime without worry of them “finding” us. Also I believe locking the door is underrated, I have spared my kids years of therapy with that little lock… Babysitters! I think I am funding the college ed of at least one but its totally healthy and a great compromise, I get to see my kids and still get my freak on. Plus they are SO awesome for sitters and they love it because I have them regularly (and will continue to into any relationship, its a great thing).

    Dating with kids is a challenge but on the upside, you are forced to take it slower, pace yourself, you can’t get way too involved too fast with each other when your priority is your kids. I actually like that. I find the good relationships are built on mutual respect of each others space and boundaries from day 1. Also I can weed out the douchebags pretty quickly by simply telling them I have kids – you are dating ME, you don’t have to love my kids but don’t date me if you can’t handle the fact that they are my priority.

    Sex talks? I’m years away from that (yes, time flies) but when it gets here I will make sure they can talk to me about anything and have plenty of condoms available without questioning. Technique? Available tips but only if they ask. There are plenty of reference materials I can point them too to avoid them being mortified.

  • http://blogs.marinij.com/katwilder/ Kat Wilder

    Actually, talking about sex does not depend on the age of your child. Talking about sex, naming “penis” and “vagina” instead of silly names, etc., should happen naturally from Day 1, at least that is what the experts say.

    If we want the next generation to be free of the hangups former generations had (and ours, too), it just has to be part of the natural dialog, same with talking about drugs and booze and cigarettes when teaching moments appear.

    Now, that doesn’t mean instructing your kid on G-spots and blow jobs. When my teen started to approach puberty and school started sex ed, I left all sorts of books out that mention those things that he could read without me hovering over him. I know he’s looked at them because they’re quite dog-eared!

    Now that he’s 15, I have to navigate things carefully or he’ll shut me off — “Mom!!!” — but watching movies or TV together offers many opportunities to talk about sexual things because there’s so much of it in the media!

    It isn’t our job to instruct our kids on techniques; it is our job to let our kids know sex is natural and wonderful, sometimes it’s attached to love and sometimes not, that sex has many different meanings to different people, and that each and every time he/she has it, it means a baby — unless you take care to protect against that.

    Kat Wilders last blog post..Oh, baby!

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Kat, great comment. I agree with getting rid of the hangups. Question: why is it not the parent’s job to instruct on techniques, and if it isn’t, whose job is it?

  • http://www.singlemomseeking.com/blog Single Mom Seeking

    Kat, great points. You always get me to put my thinking cap on. Thanks.

    I’ve always been open and honest with my child about body parts and anatomy. Is that “sex”? Perhaps we need a definition.

    When the time comes I plan — as Dad’s House addresses — to “arm” my daughter, too. I have quite a few mom-friends with teenagers, and I’ve heard about the boys (pre-teens!) who try to pressure girls to give them blow jobs. That was terrifying to write — I’ll need to address this when it’s time.

    My talk about condoms and pregnancy will also address what it means to speak your mind and go with your gut.

    Techniques? I don’t think so.

    But at some point, I DO plan to talk about the fact that it’s NOT about meeting his needs. As women, we also need to crack our nuts.

    Single Mom Seekings last blog post..Let’s hear your thoughts on Kate Hudson: “Boys, Meet My Son”

  • http://www.theseductionbible.com Bobby Rio

    Coaching a college sports team!! Brilliant!! You are a slick man Lance, a slick man… off limits my ass!! j/k

    Bobby Rios last blog post..A Manly Guide to Choosing Your Drink

  • alanis

    I’m a 28 year old single, childless woman. It is not the parent’s job to instruct on techniques. It is your own job to find out about them or discuss them with your friends.
    I grew up in a very open minded household and my mother is my best friend. I can talk to her about everything. I mean everything. Yes, that means sex as well but I’d still not go into detail with her. We know we have it but I’d never talk to her about an exceptional success of a blowjob for example or anything like that.
    Parents should talk openly about sex with their children but shouldn’t go into detail. Kids get freaked out by that. As a child I walked in on my parents once and it FREAKED me out seriously. I knew they were doing it when I was about 11 and old enough to know that but that’s something they should do in private. And yes, parents please lock your doors! I’d say only give instructions on techniques when your child(ren) ASK you. Also remind them that everyone is different and therefore likes different things. One thing might work for one person but not the other.