The Dirtiest Filthiest Sex Ever

Holy balls, on Friday I the best sex of my life. I debated writing this post because it’s simply too damned durty, but screw it there is some good stuff there. Plus, all of my blogging friends are getting laid–here, here, and here–so what the hell.

Obviously, you’ll want to watch this video first:


The Pickup

First off, here’s how I met the girl. I was having dinner with a bunch of work friends at a Mexican joint on Thursday night. My work friends are all nice but kinda lame (AFC) when it comes to socializing, so I rarely try to game chicks when I’m with them. I’ve actually been cockblocked by my friends before while doing a pickup, which is what happens when you roll with AFCs. Anyway, while I was in line ordering food, a 2-set of cute girls opened me. They thought I worked there and asked if I could get them a table. I played along for a minute then finally busted on them about mistaking me for an employee. I acted all hurt and stuff. They laughed and I was hooked in. After another minute, I went back to my friends.

I let ten minutes go by, went back inside and re-opened the set. By this time, the girls were seated and eating their food. I brought my margarita with me and offered up an Irish drinking toast that I’ve been testing out as an opener. It worked great. I sat down, threw in a time constraint (“I can only stay for a minute, but…”) and got down to business. It turns out one girl was single and the other was married. Both were around my age and super cool. Their names were Gina (single) and Buffy (married).

I chatted them up for a bit and centered the convo around travel and birth places. Gina, the single girl, had a sarcastic sense of humor, which I picked up on immediately. Here’s a sample exchange:

Lance: “I was born in California, but we moved when I was really little.”
Gina, barely cracking a grin: “Yeah, because you’re such a big guy now.”
Lance, looking at Buffy, winking, and then looking back at Gina: “I know, I’m totally huge. So, let me guess, you’re the sarcastic one?” (Credit Brad P for the absurdify technique.)
Gina: “Hahaha!”
Lance: “You’re from Wisconsin. Have you ever eaten a bratwurst?”
Gina: “Yeah, I’ve had one or two of those.”

She would pick out things I said and bust on me, which acted as a shit test. The way to pass the test was to either a) acknowledge her rip as a good one, or b) bust back. What I could NOT do was avoid the testing, or try to use phrases that had no testworthy elements. That would have been a fail (and no fun). So I deliberately set her up and even got to the point where I had counters queued up for her ripostes (as in the example above). It was a blast and we really vibed trading cracks. Sarcasm isn’t my strong suit, but I’ve gotten to the point where I can hang.

Anyway, after a bunch of bantering, I was fully hooked into the set. My friends bounced to a bar down the street and I left with them, but not before inviting Gina and Buffy to join. I had strong rapport by this point, so I was 70% certain they would join us. Good enough.

Next bar. The girls show up with Buffy’s husband and he was totally cool. We all partied together. It was awesome. It turned into one of those magical nights where everything went right and everyone had a blast. Won’t get into all the details, but by the end of the night there were three couples from our mixed up party making out in separate corners of the bar. I pulled Gina back to my house. We had drunk sex and it was pretty damned good. Not off the chains good, but good good.

Marathon Gorilla Sex

We slept and woke up around 10:00 am. What proceeded was the most mindblowing day of sex EVER. We tacitly decided to spend the entire day in bed screwing, which is what we did. The session lasted for five straight hours, with her coming 20+ times and Lance shooting his wad FIVE times. Keep in mind, this is on top of the several times we did it the previous night. We parted ways for four hours early evening and got together for dinner at a cool restaurant at 9:00 pm. Then back to her place and another two hours of killer sex. I was friggin pooped by the end of it. Also, my abs were sore from having a cute mid-western girl bouncing up and down on them all day/night. Oh yeah, we did it once more on Saturday morning too.

I can’t remember the exact order of events, but here are the highlights:

  • Bar makeout and bar fingering. To my delight, she was wearing a sundress and no panties. What a naughty little girl.
  • She drove us home in her convertible Honda. More fingering and nipple suckage.
  • A half dozen bouts of Lance oral spread liberally throughout the marathon session. One oral session included three orgasms in a row. I got her into the multi orgasmic state.
  • Liberal butt spanking and hair pulling.
  • Having her masturbate and beg to be fucked (credit Sinn on this move). I also had her suck my weiner while doing the move. DURTY. I’m pitching a tent just thinking about…
  • I lost count of how many times I called her a “dirty little girl” and “my dirty little slut.” She loved it.
  • 69.
  • Missionary fucking, shooting a load on her chest, finishing in her mouth.
  • The shocker, per her request.
  • Pooper sex.
  • Three facials.
  • I came the last time during the day session at the exact moment my roommate came home from work. This included wall pounding and name screaming. My roommate is a chick. Sorry!!
  • She wore another dress w/o panties to dinner. Good lord. I had her ride me once while she was still wearing the dress on Saturday night. Then we did it on the floor, the couch, the bed.
  • A couple of the bonkings were so retardedly intense that I nearly passed out. I didn’t, but I started laughing spontaneously.

Afterwards, I was so de-hydrated and low blood sugar that I started shaking immediately after she left. I pounded some food and drank a bottle of Gatorade. With marathons like this, it’s important to eat and hydrate properly or else you’ll bonk for sure. I took a three hour nap prior to dinner.

I’ll go ahead and say it now: Gina is totally awesome. She’s a girl I would get into an LTR with. She’s smart, funny, a working professional, and has a great sense of style. Most importantly, our rhythms are exactly in alignment. Our give-and-take during conversation is balanced, and we unlock each others fantasies intuitively.

My bedroom game has increased appreciably in several areas:

  1. I’m well calibrated and can pick up on my partner’s likes and dislikes quickly. Example: Gina likes having constant pressure against her pelvis during penetration. Once I figured this out, it was off to the races. IMO, this type of calibration comes from having a fair amount of experience with both partners.
  2. She’s got an inner slut fantasy, which is fairly common, but I immersed her fully into it. Once she was there, I was able to make her come with constant pressure, a dirty talk escalation, and verbal commands. Like, I would say, “Okay baby, I want you to come NOW,” and she would. First time I’ve pulled that off.
  3. I’ve noticed the more dominant I am during the bonking, the longer I last. It seems like the psychology of the sex has a physical effect, but I have no evidence to support this. I’ll research it and see if there’s a link…

Best sex I’ve ever had. XOXOXO baby!

  • Eathan

    Yes all your blogging friends are having sex.. AND LOTS OF IT!

    I luv you can’t remember the order…but you do remember the highlights…lol

  • Nadine

    so happy for you 😉

  • The Dateable Dork

    Holy fucking shit, Lance!!! That blows my fantastic fuck out of the water. I don’t know what else to say except congrats on banging this girl’s brains out and living to tell us all about it. I admit it, I’m super turned on by this story. Thanks for sharing. : )

    The Dateable Dorks last blog post..Sex, porn, and I left my earrings on his nightstand

  • Lilly

    Nice job.

  • moody.bitch

    I think “pooper sex” may officially be my new most favorite sexual euphemism.

  • Cathouse Teri

    Fantastic! I think this is just the kind of sex everyone should have. ALL the time! 😉

    Cathouse Teris last blog post..WANTED

  • Bobby Rio

    Nice! The 5 times days are long gone for me… Daddy is like an old man.. i blow my load, roll over and go to bed.

    But then again… there are those girls (that don’t come around often) who you just connect with on such a sexual level that all bets are off.

    Bobby Rios last blog post..July Top Commenter Contest

  • Lance

    Yeah, dude, I don’t know what happened. This chick just had it going on and I was in rare form.

  • Roxis

    Great report man, I had no idea you wrote this shit up. Sick read.

    So much for quickies eh? 5 hours, must of had to pace yourself, though I’m sure you didn’t. The Gatorade at the end topped it all off because I know the exact feeling your talking about.

    This shit was fuckin metal.

    Roxiss last blog post..FR: The Return to Hellspice

  • Kiera

    I’m jealous.

  • Holly Hoffman

    Thanks for the inspiration. It sparked a hot convo w/ the BF, which sparked some super-hot sex that included previously unsampled fares. Totally gave me the confidence to tap my inner dirty girl. 😉

    Holly Hoffmans last blog post..Gen Y isn’t unique; we’re just a bunch of bursty workers

  • Lance

    Well don’t leave us in suspense, what durty girl stuff did you get into?? Ball gags? Being spanked with a paddle? Facials? C’mon now…

  • Pingback: The Manliness Roundup: Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt Edition | Return To Manliness()

  • Holly Hoffman

    Easy partner. My inner dirty girl is shyly peeking out… don’t scare her off! 😛

    Holly Hoffmans last blog post..On codependency and discovering the obvious

  • Missy

    LOVED IT! LOVED IT! LOVED IT! I feel your pain!

    I have felt like I got hit by a truck and needed to call 911 to admin IV fluids!!

    I love to talk dirty too! Bravo my friend on your 5 loads….xoxox You rock!

  • CG

    Wow. Seriously… wow.

    CG´s last blog post…Couldn’t wait

  • Wolfboy

    Don’t be jealous, Kiera. Be proactive! Call me and let’s see if we can give Lance a story that rivals his own!

  • Devi Matahari

    I stumble upon your post, and I love it !!

  • Jools

    Wow!! I’m ever so slightly jealous.. but in a good way! Reminds me of my ex of 3 years back, mr six times a day and how come I am so frigid I only need it 3 times a day every day!!! At first it was awesome.. for the first few months, but then I never got any work done!! But oh yes, I remember the passion. Funny thing is though it was even more intense with the guy I just broke up with, who normally could only do it once or twice, sometimes once only, but it was always much more intense… sigh…

  • Gina

    i cant believe you write this up and blog it. youre such a loser. im never sleeping with you again. creep.

  • Kay

    Whooop you go gina.. He is a creep!

  • Traci

    Biggest bunch of horse-shit ever. The “Gina” comment was a nice touch though. And LMFAO @ 20+ orgasms… if you knew female anatomy at all, you’d realise why that is physically impossible. Douche.

  • Vance.

    You’re full of it, you sad, deluded fool.

  • Cogie

    this happens all the time with my gf and its slowly coming closer to killing me as I get more and more exhausted every time. But I am not one to complain I will proudly die for the sake of her pleasure

  • Globalwalyy

    i think someone is turning me on here…….am happy for you to have such a good fucking partner…ouch am gonna cum