So recently in the comments on his blog, Hammer accused me of having something against casual sex, and this got me to thinking. I mean, I’ve certainly had plenty of it. I’ve never kept a list of previous partners because I think that’s creepy (like, psycho creepy, ewwwww), but suffice it to say we’re not talking single digits here (though not triple digits, either). So why do his posts engender an almost physical reaction of disgust, depression, and pity in me?
Well I guess in order to try and figure that out, we’re going to have to define casual sex.
Traditionally, it seems to me that casual sex has meant sex outside of marriage, and then grown increasingly to mean sex outside of a committed, monogamous relationship. However, with the entrance of the BF into my life, I think it’s grown to have another meaning for me, which is why I’ve had such a strong reaction to what Hammer writes.
Casual sex is when you treat the other person casually. In other words, I accept the fact that in order to find someone truly compatible, you are going to have to take the risk and not only have sex outside of marriage, but probably before monogamy has been discussed (though, sweet Jesus, hopefully AFTER your most recent STD panel and the type of protection that has been used in sexual encounters since then has been discussed). That’s fine. I get it. The BF and I slept together on our first date.
However, the older I have gotten, the less I can treat any part of my life casually. This is not to say that I can’t or don’t have fun. The BF and I experiment with taking photographs, having sex outside, the possibility that other people might walk in on us, watersports (oh yeah, I promised to post about that, didn’t I?). We have sex before 7 a.m. And beyond sex, we love to travel, gamble, smoke pot…we’re fun people.
But to me the term casual means something that you undertake without caring about the other parties involved or investing yourself in a particular result. And increasingly, that’s something that I just can’t get behind. It smacks to me of laziness, which is the one character trait that, out of all others, disgusts me and turns me off completely. I want to live with gusto and purpose and surround myself with people who do the same. I think that if I’m going to have satisfying sex with someone, then that means that I connect with them on a level beyond the physical.
I have a PhD. I’m in Mensa. I define myself by my intellect. If I don’t have an intellectual connection with you, if I don’t feel like you can challenge me, excite me by getting me to consider a new perspective or otherwise introduce me to things I’ve never thought of, if you’re not intellectual, curious, open to new thoughts and new depths of insight and can’t make me feel the same way, well…
There is no way I am ever going to be even the slightest bit turned on by you. Ever.
One of the things that I like and respect about Lance is that he’s all about giving value in order to get it. There’s a saying you are what you eat…in the pickup world, I think you are who you sleep with. If you don’t know a person well enough to respect them (and respect something specific about them, not just not hold it against them if they’re easy) then you’re not a person who commands respect, either. If you’re sleeping with someone purely to get your rocks off, and not because you’re trying to factor in how pre-established intellectual and lifestyle compatibilities hold up to your potential sexual compatibility, then one of two things is going on:
- You will deeply regret this encounter later in your life, which is sad.
- You will never regret this encounter, which is even more sad.
I mean, do you think that if you sleep with a drunk girl in the bathroom at Hard Rock she’s going to look back on the encounter fondly and be grateful for the value that you added to your life? Or do you think she’s going to feel depressed, and worthless, and get her ass in to the gyno ASAP? And why on earth would you want to be the guy who made some girl feel that way?
Have I had casual sex, motivated only by my hormones? Yes. Certainly. And I deeply regret every instance of it and feel a little sick inside whenever I think of it. Have I had “casual sex” where I was testing for potential long-term compatibility even as soon as the first date, even if it didn’t turn out that that compatibility was there? Yes. Certainly. And I am grateful every day that I had sex with the BF on our first date, because I don’t think we would have had a sustainable momentum to get through our first three months of dating (which was long-distance) without it. But I think there’s a HUGE gulf between the two. Thoughts?
After you’ve left your intellectual, thought-provoking, and deep insightful comment below, check out the following posts: