About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Confession: I can only get off with my vibrator!

I’ve mentioned it before in passing, but decided that the time had finally come to devote an entire blog to the fact that the only orgasms I’ve ever had have come from my vibrator.  Although really, that should be plural because I’ve worn out a few over the years!

First Question: Do You Masturbate “By Hand”?

As soon as my mom gave me the What’s Happening to My Body?  Book For Girls when I was 9 or 10 and I learned what masturbation was, I certainly did it every chance I got.  I thought puberty was awesome (except for the zits) and it was all my mom could do to make sure I didn’t grab my boobs while we were grocery shopping.  I counted pubic hairs and every time I had a stomachache I thought I was going to start my period.

Naturally, when I discovered that I had a clitoris and that my finger could fit inside my vagina, I was totally psyched.  However, I never got wet, never experienced any sort of real sexual excitement.  Once I was in high school I’d get turned on when my boyfriend kissed me, but we never even got into the feel-me-up stage (never even got to a French kiss, actually) so there wasn’t really much to do about it.  If I masturbated after a date, it was nicer because I was slippery, but the turned on feeling went away quickly.  To this day, not only have I not had an orgasm by hand (even now that I know what they’re like), I haven’t even come close to feeling turned on when I try–I can’t even make myself wet.

Second Question: What About Your Early Sex Life?

As I said, my love life in high school was pretty tame.  After my high school boyfriend and I split up, I had a brief fling with a best friend’s cousin–as in, he fingered me one time but it was mostly uncomfortable.  And you’ve all heard my experience losing my virginity, so my first year and a half of sex was pretty miserable.  People often chalk up my inability to have an orgasm in the usual circumstances to this guy’s abuse, but between the fact that I never even came close to having an orgasm before him or in my many supportive relationships since, I have to disagree.

My second college boyfriend was superior in every way to my first one (and I do mean every way).  He’s the one who bought me my first vibrator.  It was a very simple waterproof model with adjustable vibration meant for clitoral stimulation only.  I don’t know what made him get it for me, but after he gave it to me and I was clearly embarrassed, he excused himself to go make a sandwich while I got acquainted with my new toy.  I pressed it up against my clit and turned it on.

I had an orgasm instantly.

And that’s pretty much how it remains today.

Third Question: Is It Really Physical?

To this I answer I don’t think so, although I can’t say for sure.  For whatever reason, I have the quickest results with my vibrator if I use it when I’m not wet or feeling turned on (even if I’m alone).  I frequently use it before, during, or after having sex with the BF, and while those orgasms are far more powerful and longer-lasting than the ones that I have while alone (let’s say on a scale of 1 to 10 the ones I have while alone are a 5 on the length and a 3 on intensity while the ones I have when he’s there are a 6.5 in length and an 8+ in intensity), it is a significantly longer waiting period before I have one.  And, of course, if it was simply a trust issue then I think I’d be able to give it a go by hand when I’m alone.

Fourth Question: What About Sex/Oral Sex?

The BF can get me wet simply by making out with me and using his digits to manipulate me down below.  I get even wetter when he goes down on me, and wettest of all when we have sex.  I am frequently so wet by the mere thought of having sex with him that we don’t need foreplay at all to ease things in, and he’s told me several times that I get wetter than any other girl he’s ever slept with.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I give oral sex a 5 (on a good day) and sex an 8 (on a bad day).  There is a HUGE difference, and oral sex just doesn’t compare.  When the BF goes down on me, I am mostly just impatient for the sex to begin, and I sometimes get very frustrated if he takes a break from sex to go down on me.  I’d rather just have sex forever and forever and forever.  I would rather go down on him than be gone down upon (and my going down on him gets me completely wet, as well).  The closest I’ve ever felt to orgasm has been while having sex, for sure.

Fifth Question (Usually A Statement): It’s Just Because You Haven’t Slept With ME…

If there is one thing on this earth that turned me off quickly and permanently when I was a single gal, it was any guy’s claim that the reason that I hadn’t had an orgasm yet was because he hadn’t used his digits/given me oral/had sex with me.  Please.  There’s a reason that the BF is the only guy I’ve used my vibrator with, and it’s because he’s the only one who, upon hearing that I didn’t get off in the usual ways, simply said, “well, what can we do to make sure you’re satisfied?”

He’s the one who told me it was okay in the beginning of our relationship where not even the vibrator could get me off every time.  He’s the one who experimented with kissing me at various intensities and locations (ears, neck, nipples…) while I was using the vibrator until we found out what works.  He’s the one who never hinted that it was emotional or based in a lack of trust, and as a consequence he’s the only one I ever have trusted.  And he’s the only one that I can easily imagine having an orgasm with, sans vibrator, one of these days.

And I have every faith that it will happen.  Women don’t reach their sexual peak until their 30s, at which point it’s my understanding that orgasm becomes much easier.  And in the meantime, I’ve got an amazing boyfriend who gives me the best sex of my life…not least because he’s not at all threatened by my ensuring my orgasm by any means necessary!  Thoughts?

If this posting made you want to go give yourself an orgasm by any means necessary, you might also enjoy:

  • The Dateable Dork

    Honey, this post totally rocks. I’m glad that you can be so open about it, and I’m REALLY glad that the BF is so amazingly supportive about it. This is exactly how it should be. Period.

    (And did you really grab your boobs in the grocery store?? Hahaha.)

  • Nadine

    Hi Honey,
    I really love your post, too. I am in exactly the same position as you are – have experienced masturbation very early, I guess it might have been nine or ten years, maybe eleven, but also, I never orgasmed. Since I got my vibrator, which got me off at the first try, too, I have not even bothered to try anymore. Also, guys could not get me off. Although, my last boyfriend kind of got me quivering all over, but without feeling that rush of an orgasm. Too bad, really, but I’m getting close ;)

    Love your post,
    Nadine

  • http://20-forty.com/ lisaq

    Though I’ve never had much trouble getting to orgasm, I definitely get off more quickly with the vibrator which, since there’s no man in my life, is a good thing. Oral sex does the trick too…quite easily I might add. Sometimes too easily.

    I will say that orgasm comes more easily with a man now that I’m older…well, depending on the man of course. That whole reaching the sexual peak thing is definitely one of the perks of getting older! :)

    lisaq´s last blog post…Why Have Sex?

  • http://www.ikeepdating.blogspot.com/ MIssy

    I bow down to my Hitachi Wand. Does the trick everytime! Hooray for TOYS!!!

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    wow Honey… you have a really good memory. Or maybe you just remember the most important things in your life. ;)

    I enjoyed this post. I’m glad sex has become better with age and experience. That’s the way it’s supposed to work.

    Eathan´s last blog post…Top 5 Hottest Interracial Couples

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Hi, DD–Glad you’re well! At age 10 calling them “boobs” was probably a strong word, but yes, totally…

    And he is an awesome boyfriend! Now I have him to grab my boobs for me (and they’re certainly more worth of the name by now…)

    Honey´s last blog post…Confession: I can only get off with my vibrator!

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Nadine, thanks! I’m sure we’ll get there ;-)

    Honey´s last blog post…Confession: I can only get off with my vibrator!

  • http://bobbyboys.blogspot.com/ bobby

    Confession: I can only get off with my vibrator!

    My first thought was that we get off with our mind mostly. So, let me ask:

    If possible, would you like to be able to get off others ways?

    Does it bother you that the vibrator is your main instrument of orgasm?

    bobby´s last blog post…You are special

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    bobby, I’d love to get off in other ways…ideally I’d get off while having sex. I’m not really interested in receiving oral sex for that purpose, although I’m guessing my mind would change pretty quickly if that happened!

    I think the idea that it would bother me is part of the reason that guys’ advice on this subject so often goes awry. It’s like asking me if it bothers me that I have orgasms! No way! It’d bother me if I wasn’t ever having any at all (and I do know women in their late 20s for whom that is the case, even *with* vibrators).

    Would it bother you if your significant other could only get off with a vibrator? Why?

    Honey´s last blog post…Confession: I can only get off with my vibrator!

  • http://bobbyboys.blogspot.com/ bobby

    Honey, thank you for your replies :)

    I am a guy that likes to learn, especially if I don’t, or can’t, understand another’s situation.

    Would it bother you if your significant other could only get off with a vibrator? Why?

    I’ve never been in that situation (as far as I know ;)), but I would imagine that I would wonder why, as in if it’s me, is there something I can do to make her experience better. I am big on communication in relationships and want my partner to be as pleased as possible. I am also big on passion and would want her to feel the same passion as me, hence achieving orgasm at the same time (I use passion as an example here).

    That being said, no it wouldn’t bother me because love is about many things, not just the sexual part.

    bobby´s last blog post…You are special

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    I’m a guy, so I can’t exactly relate. But I did enjoy this about your first vibrator: I pressed it up against my clit and turned it on…and that’s pretty much how it remains today.

    I’m picturing your vibrator super-glued to your clit. Or strapped on. Or just hanging there by sheer magenetism.

    dadshouse´s last blog post…Dirty Text Message Jokes

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    The kind I use comes in different colors, DM, so that’s also funny. I think my first one was red, and I called it Valentine. I had a blue one for awhile that I called Papa Smurf, and a green one that I called the Jolly Green Giant. Now I have a slightly smaller silver model that I call the Silver Bullet (not to be confused with the *actual* silver bullet, which is a brand…)

    I think it’s probably sheer magnetism that keeps it there!

    Honey´s last blog post…Confession: I can only get off with my vibrator!

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I think the biggest thing to realize is that some things have nothing to do with you, and in a case like this, there were certainly things that the BF has learned to do “better” over the course of our relationship that make me enjoy sex with him more, but that if I say that it doesn’t have anything to do with an orgasm he should just believe me.

    We certainly wouldn’t have been together this long if he doubted what I told him about whether I enjoyed things or if I had to constantly reassure him that I was having a good time.

    Honey´s last blog post…Confession: I can only get off with my vibrator!

  • http://bobbyboys.blogspot.com/ bobby

    Honey, I understand and agree with you. But in case I misrepresented what I said, let me clear that up now.

    I think the biggest thing to realize is that some things have nothing to do with you

    Agreed, but I think it normal to find out first if that were the case or not.

    but that if I say that it doesn’t have anything to do with an orgasm he should just believe me.

    I would also.

    or if I had to constantly reassure him that I was having a good time.

    Although ego comes into play here many times (which I believe is the meat of the reassurance issue), again communication and some trust in my partner is what it is all about, our should be.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Oh, I think we’re in perfect agreement. I was just clarifying for all those other guys out there who are like, “Oh, if Honey would only dump that guy and sleep with ME…”

    LOL! You sound like the kind of fellow who could work it out :-)

  • http://www.moodybitchseeksniceguy.com/ moody.bitch

    Ohhhhhhhh yes, it all gets much better and happens much easier after, say, 35 or so.

    Now, it’s not like some switch magically turns on, it’s more of a progressive thing. But at 35, I was hard-pressed to have an orgasm from anything other than a vibrator; now, at 43, I find I can not only have several orgasms during sex through penetration alone, but if I add any clitoral stimulation while it’s happening, it becomes even more spectacular.

    (And then there’s the whole squirting thing, which is a world unto itself. I have a sneaking suspicion from your boyfriend’s comment that you get wetter than any girl he’s ever been with, you’ve got some of that going on and just haven’t built up to your full potential there, because I was the same way, and now, WOW! who knew it was a prelude of what was to come?!)

    So, I can testify: everything they say about being an older women is SO TRUE!!!! (I figure it’s nature’s way of making up for the wrinkles! Heh.)

  • http://bobbyboys.blogspot.com/ bobby

    Honey, yep, I think we agree for sure :)

    LOL! You sound like the kind of fellow who could work it out

    Well, I try to be, but have found, oddly enough, that not all people want honest communication. I simply love people that are open about what they want and respect them enough to give that in return :)

    bobby´s last blog post…You are special

  • http://ptlawmom.com PT-LawMom

    For me, sex was one with my ex-husband and guys before. Orgasms only through oral sex and very little sensation during sex. Then I met the guy I’m seeing now. Oral sex is not that great with him (except for the occasional super-hot 69), but OMG his penis hits all the right spots and for some reason I am super-sensitive and almost orgasm every time from just him alone. A little vibrator to help and it is soooooo good, especially when he is inside. That said, for a while there until I found the right one that worked well with him inside me, I was a little worried our sex life would consist of my mad swallowing skills and me laying next to him trying to get off with the vibrator alone (Gigi by LeLo rocks my world!).

    I’d rank my current orgasm preferences like this:
    1. Him inside with the aid of the vibrator outside
    2. Oral sex (but not necessarily with current guy)
    3. Vibrator with him next to me
    4. Vibrator alone
    5. Hand – bleech

    Someone recommended the O’My Clitoral Pleasure Gel to me and, oh my, they were sooooo right. Definitely enhances things during sex or alone with the vibrator.

    Thanks for explaining all of this. Isn’t it interesting how we are all so different (and how many men have a one-size-fits-all type of approach)?

    PT-LawMom´s last blog post…Men!

  • http://www.singlemomseeking.com/blog single mom seeking

    Honey,
    I’ve been waiting for you to write this post… thank you, thank you! I really appreciate your honesty and openness here.

    I’m one of those odd ducks… because most toys are too damn stimulating for me. I can get off over and over by having a man inside me. And, yes, sex has gotten better through my late 20s and 30s. I’ve always been intrigued by women — many of my girlfriends — who swear by their vibrators.

    And kudos to your BF for being so open to experimenting!!

    single mom seeking´s last blog post…Blogging is like breastfeeding

  • http://myadventuresinmomland.blogspot.com/ Carolyn

    I’m so relieved to hear that this gets easier after 30! I thought I was doomed. I, also, have *never once* had an orgasm from anything other than a vibrator. (And I didn’t try a vibe until age 21!)
    I used to be really embarrassed about it, and I even went through a period of faking it to make my boyfriends happy!
    Now I use a vibrator during sex, which works almost every time.
    I wish I could climax with oral or manual stimulation alone… I have tried over the years, and it is just an exercise in futility.
    I think it *could* work with oral, but the guys are always so… timid. It would take some serious enthusiasm, and most guys act like there’s something breakable down there! lol

    Carolyn´s last blog post…Stages of Grief

  • http://www.angeleyesdevilsmile.com Brad

    Man… for all the guys that ever thought that women were trying to “hoard” all the lovin’ away from them…

    … they should def read this, and other posts that are along the same lines.

    Oh, and when I read Dadshouse’s comment, I immediately pictured you and the bf going to the sex shop and picking up some remote controlled underwear… where the vibrator’s in the underwear and you wear them out in public.

    Of course, you give him the “trigger”.

    Shit, maybe I’ll stop by the shop myself on that note… could be hella fun!

    Brad´s last blog post…The Amazing Secrets Of The “Hot Seat” Revealed

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I’m glad to know it’s only going to get better, moody.bitch! And I never considered the possibility that I’d become a full-fledged squirter…I bet the BF will love it!

    Honey´s last blog post…In Sickness…

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    The BF’s penis hits all the right spots inside me, too, PT-LawMom. It IS amazing how different it is with different people–and definitely something that most guys don’t consider. Like I said, there are so many guys who are like, “You haven’t slept with ME,” and then they have sex with you using exactly the same techniques that they use on every other girl. Not gonna work!

    Honey´s last blog post…In Sickness…

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Lucky duck :-)

    Honey´s last blog post…In Sickness…

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Haha, sounds like you need to work a little encouraging dirty talk into your routine, Carolyn!

    Honey´s last blog post…In Sickness…

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