About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Help! My BF Won’t Use a Condom!

Dear Honey,

OK, so I just read your latest post and felt so unbelievably frustrated. Being the relationship & sex guru that you are, I thought you might be able to help me with this.

I went off my birth control about a month and a half ago. I was on the high-estrogen stuff and I felt like it was making me nuts, depressed, etc. So I went off, but my gyno wouldn’t give me a new ‘script until I came in and I couldn’t come in until the Monday after next. So no birth control. Well, my boyfriend is like Mr. Super Sperm – the two times he’s had unprotected, non-birth control sex he sired kids. Yep, two illegitimate kids. Please, let’s not get into that part. Suffice it to say, I will *not* have unprotected, non-birth control sex. Rightly so. But if I even bring up condoms, he wilts. Literally. We’ve never successfully had condom-protected sex. It’s been a month since we’ve done it. I’m going nuts, and I honestly think it’s affecting our relationship, from my end of things. He’s fine with fooling around. I’m not. I need the good stuff, and it will be another 6 weeks before I get on the new birth control and am in the safe zone.

Help??

No Love Without a Glove, Massachusetts

No Love, I feel your pain.  Ugh.  The BF hates condoms too (he says he can’t stay hard with them…which is hard for me to verify since we’ve never used them).  And, as Lance and myself have written recently, physical intimacy is key to a successful relationship (in tandem with other things, of course).  If you’re in a situation where you suddenly can’t be physically intimate with someone that you’ve been with for awhile, it’s natural – if unfortunate – that you will become sexually frustrated.  Not only that, but that frustration has the potential to carry over into other aspects of the relationship and cause fights, emotional alienation, and other issues.

You don’t define “fooling around,” so I have to wonder if you’ve been giving him BJs all this time and getting nothing in return.  Can you have an orgasm from receiving oral?  If so, then perhaps you both don’t have to have an orgasm every time.  Sometimes he can give without receiving, too, as long as things even out in the end.  That being said, oral sex for me is only about a 4 or 5 on a 1-to-10 scale and I’ve never had an orgasm from it, so if that doesn’t cut it for you I understand.

I also have to wonder why your boyfriend hasn’t tried to come up with some type of solution.  Sure, he may be fine with “fooling around,” but if you’re not then it’s his job as a man to make sure you are satisfied. And that means more than just giving you a good old-fashioned bonking – if bonking’s not possible, and he’s 50% of the relationship, he should be coming up with some solutions, too.

But it seems you are both tapped at the moment, so I’ll give my two cents.

Solutions and Ideas:

  1. Ask your doctor for a diaphragm or a cervical cap. These can be used in conjunction with OTC spermicide until your birth control kicks in.  I’ve never used these so I don’t know how hard they are to put in.
  2. You could ask for a ‘script for the day-after pill as a backup. This is obviously far from an ideal solution, but if you’re as frustrated as you say, then a little “slip” may be inevitable, and it’s better to have this on hand already than have to call in to work to go prevent a pregnancy.
  3. Ask your gyno for an IUD (inter-uterine device). You say that The Pill made you crazy – I have a friend who also felt like hormonal birth control made her feel and act weird (as you describe) and she got an IUD.  I went with her when she had it put in…she said that it sucked more than she anticipated when it was inserted and she felt ewwy for a couple of days (like, period-feeling cramps).  However, she is a lot happier to be off hormones and of course you don’t have to replace those for 5 or 10 years, which is nice.
  4. Cut your boyfriend off until he mans up. Or you could cut that fool off from even fooling around until he gets ahold of some Viagra and make him use the condom, if that’s the only way you feel comfortable.  Right now he’s getting everything he needs sexually, so there’s really no incentive for him to make an effort fo fulfill your needs (well, no incentives except manliness and common decency, which are both called into question by the fact that you’ve been sexually frustrated for a month!).  If you give him an incentive, perhaps he’ll be more accommodating.

Thoughts?

If this post made you feel frustrated, too, you might also enjoy:

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Good advice, Honey. Since he’s fine with “fooling around,” which translates to blowjobs, but she needs the “good stuff,” then she should still take an active roll in making sure she gets off. I wouldn’t put this all on the guy.

    Couple of other options:
    1. Experiment with the condom brands and lubricants…condom technology is pretty good these days and there are super thin and super sensitive kinds. It shouldn’t wilt your BF to at least experiment with a couple of brands. In fact, it could be kinda fun.

    2. Can she get off on anal, or has she even tried? Anal orgasms are excellent on the woman’s side, and I’ve even read that some women like them better than vaginal. No chance of getting pregnant there.

    3. Introduce a toy so that she can get off at some point during their session.

    4. Experiment with dirty talk by increasing quantity and quality. It’s no secret that the mental aspect is what turbocharges sex…if they’re not stimulating each other mentally, this could be why he’s wilting when the condom goes on. I’ve found that if I’m properly (mentally) stimulated, I could pop a load even if my dong was covered in concrete.

    Besides that, 6 weeks really isn’t too long to wait. Use the time to explore each other sexually and add some variety.

    Lance´s last blog post…What Is Intimacy, Anyway?

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Sweet Jesus, I can’t believe I forgot to mention sex toys. My vibrator’s the only way I’ve ever had an orgasm, so it gets incorporated into practically every sex session the BF and I have…

    Good catch, Lance!

    Honey´s last blog post…Into-Me-See: A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy

  • http://20-forty.com/ lisaq

    Haha…I can’t believe you forgot sex toys either. That was going to be my suggestion until Lance beat me to it.

    I’m bothered by the fact that he won’t man up and help come up with a solution. I have to wonder how much he’s really “in” the relationship. There may be more problems here than just lack of nooky.

    lisaq´s last blog post…Erogenous Zones-The Art of Sensual Touch From The Pickup Artist

  • http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com Cathouse Teri

    I think they deserve each other.

    Cathouse Teri´s last blog post…A Wretch Like Me

  • http://www.singlemomseeking.com/blog single mom seeking

    I got stuck on the word “illegitimate” here.

    Excuse me, but calling a kid “illegitimate” is one of the most backwards/hateful things you can say to children. Is that how she refers to them?

    It was hard for me to read beyond this: This guy likes to shoot off without a condom… and then refer to his kids as “illegitimate.” He clearly needs to look at himself in the mirror.

    This woman might also open her eyes and see there are MUCH more serious issues in this relationship — than just rubbers.

    P.S. Honey, I’d love to hear more about only getting off when there’s a vibrator in play. I’ve heard that’s the case for many women. (Not yours truly…) I’ve always been curious about whether this was simply a physical trait… or it also has to do with trust?

    single mom seeking´s last blog post…Election day, it’s down to the wire

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Re: a vibrator…perhaps a blog post is in order on this one. I can’t masturbate “by hand,” either, so I lean towards that it’s physical, especially since I can get off with the vibrator whether or not he’s there.

    Honey´s last blog post…Help! My BF Won’t Use a Condom!

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    I agree with Lance, try some other condom brands. It took me a while to find a brand I can truly perform in. (cough cough Magnums cough cough)

    All women’s sex toys should be destroyed and replaced by willing males (cough cough Like Me cough cough)

    Illegitimate in the dictionary means “born of parents not married to each other”. It’s a term that’s been around a long time. But I can see how some might be offended by its use.

    dadshouse´s last blog post…Meeting Women the Old Fashioned Way

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Yes, back in the days “illegitimate” children were also referred to as “natural” children…

    Honey´s last blog post…Help! My BF Won’t Use a Condom!

  • http://www.kizmeet.com/blog Mel

    YIKES! Have you tried that gel?

    Mel´s last blog post…Men and their dogs, Part I

  • http://bobbyboys.blogspot.com/ bobby

    Hi all, my first post here :)

    I’m struck by how the responsibility seems to be falling on the woman, when the guy already has children out of wedlock? If this is truly the case, then walking out the door seems like the answer to me.

    bobby´s last blog post…Helping us to help ourselves.

  • http://ptlawmom.com PT-LawMom

    Seriously? No oral sex orgasms, Honey? My vibrator is the only way I get off these days (damn medication-induced ED), but oral sex is soooooooo much better.

    PT-LawMom´s last blog post…Ugh

  • http://ptlawmom.com PT-LawMom

    Okay, I’ll be first. What about STDs? Just sayin’. The man needs to seriously consider getting over his condom issue, especially if she *does* walk out the door.

    PT-LawMom´s last blog post…Ugh

  • http://ptlawmom.com PT-LawMom

    Okay, one more. What’s up with the “Bastard” tag? If people have issues with illegitimate, shouldn’t we also object to the fact that this post is tagged with “bastard”. Not cool…

    PT-LawMom´s last blog post…Barely breathing, but not dead

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    PT-LawMom, you know me and Lance…we’ll pick whatever tag we think will guarantee the most comments…so kudos to you for picking up on that one!

    Personally, I think that the actual state of being illegitimate/a bastard has become so de-stigmatized that the words no longer have any sort of insulting connotation. I was surprised people picked up on either one!

    Honey´s last blog post…Public Service Announcement: Porn

  • anon.

    Here’s a thought: a guy that can’t keep it up with a condom will have had a LOT of unprotected sex in his life.

    When was the last time any of you thought about STDs? For example: Herpes. It is completely incurable, and 20% of the US population has it. Of that 20%, only TEN percent know they have it. To translate that into numbers: 20 people in a hundred have Herpes, and only 2 of them know it.

    And to top it all off: did you know that Herpes is so common, and only detectable by expensive blood tests, that regular STD screenings don’t cover it? You can go to the doctor and say “I want to have unprotected sex, I need to get tested” and NEVER find out if you have it or not. You need to ask the doctor SPECIFICALLY to get tested for it.

    So when I hear “can’t keep it up without a condom”, I think, “YUCK…probably has disease”

    The pill is NEVER enough, boys and girls, if you haven’t seen blood test results. Dump the disease-sack now, and get tested before you have another relationship.

  • http://www.rustpaint.net Gracie Parker

    i usually stick to natural birth control methods because i am a christian, natural birth control has no side effects too.`’,