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I Never Say I Need Him

Countdown – less than three months until Jake and I get hitched! The invitations are in production now and should be here in two weeks. This is really happening! But, this isn’t about that. It’s actually just a quick something that Jake said to me the other day that I wanted to get your take on.

Jake said that while he tells me sometimes (not frequently, but not infrequently either) how important it is that I support his decisions. Whenever he is stressed about something, he sanctified always asks if he has my support. Sometimes this is emotional, like when he was scared to leave his job to start his own company. Sometimes it is financial – now that he doesn’t make a salary, sometimes he can’t predict his income and isn’t sure he’ll get paid by a client in time to pay one of our bills. Whatever he asks for, I always give it, of course!

But…he says that I never really tell him that I need his support. Continued

The Relationship Reset Technique

I’ve been doing some experimenting with my relationships recently and one thing I’ve found is that straight up communication isn’t that effective. When I say communication, I mean sitting down and talking face-to-face. Talking is useful and has it’s place, but more is needed.

What I’ve found is that something has to happen in the relationship, basically a process that leads to a confrontation. I call this process a change agent. In a recent relationship, I had a girlfriend that was taking my for granted. I used this technique: I froze her out for a week, withheld contact and affection, and didn’t do anything generous. This caused a confrontation at the end of the week. After the confrontation, we had an exceptionally honest conversation, and after that I saw some real change. It should be noted that I rooted out some fears she had about our relationship, got her to verbalize my behaviors that were bothering her, and we both were able to compromise and implement some changes. It worked out well.

I think women understand this intuitively and use techniques like the above naturally. I call this “chick game.” This is why chicks will give you the cold shoulder or act like bitches, because it’s a process to get you to really consider what is wrong. I used to find this irritating but now I embrace it. I find it more effective to be able to play this game rather than make it go away. It’s a bad idea to rationalize and reason through all of your communications.

BTW, I call the one-week freeze-out technique above my Relationship Reset Technique, because you’re basically resetting the relationship to a balance point.

Surround Yourself With High Character People

This is a simple concept but one I’ve found that is adding a lot of value to my life. In the last year or so I’ve been consciously surrounding myself with men and women that I consider high character. At the same time I’ve been shedding my low character relationships. This is creating more opportunity and bringing a lot more love and value to my life. It’s presenting professional opportunities and options for growth. If you’re not already doing this, I recommend starting on this project now.

One of the sports clubs I belong to is filled with hundreds of high character people. This includes firefighters, law enforcement, ex-military, business owners, family men and women, and people from many walks of life. One pattern that sticks out from this tribe is that almost everyone is high character. Because it’s a sports club and we’re constantly on stage during competition, our character is revealed to each other. This makes it easy to identify. Being absorbed into this group I’ve noticed is improving my life and improving my happiness.

What really turned me onto this concept was when I worked out with an ex-Navy Seal about a year ago. The guy radiated charisma and it was painfully obvious that he was a man of character. Just being around the guy made me rethink my priorities and what it meant to be a solid dude. Since then I’ve been trying to be a better guy and surround myself with high character individuals.


How to Have a Kickass Relationship

After having had several LTR’s the past few years, I’ve got it figured out how a relationship works. Here it is.

Firstly, my simple model of evaluating a relationship is spot on. There are two components, Companionship and Sex, and I rate them on a scale of 1-10. For me, the sex has to be at least a 9 and the companionship a 6. If I have those two things at those levels I’m pretty much set. I don’t bother overthinking all the stuff that goes into a relationship (communication, commonalities, pets, religion, etc) because those are details and the details are malleable.


Pickup for Feminists

There’s a great discussion going on at the Rachel Rabbit White blog, on her post GUYS: How to Pick up Women Without Negs or other PUA Tricks. I like pretty much everything on her blog because it’s writerly and addresses some of my favorite topics (sex, porn, etc). I recommend popping over there and checking it out.

If you’re a PUA or into social arts, read the post and comments. I wanted to blog a longer response to one question Rachel asked:


Be More Awesome By Being More Specific With Your Goals

I think everyone should set some clear relationship goals before moving forward in their search for dating and mating. This may sound like obvious advice, but I think it’s worth exploring.

For some people, like guys and gals in their 20s, this isn’t so obvious. Ask yourself the question, what am I looking for?