I dug Penelope Trunk’s post, Blueprint for a Woman’s Life. She brought it strong and as usual her stuff was controversial, which I like. I didn’t agree with all of her points–most actually–but it’s worth checking out. I decided to write my own blueprint for guys. I’ve been blogging about relationships/sex/dating on Honey and Lance for 3.5 years (!!!) and I can recommend how a man’s life should go, at least through his mid-30′s. I’d love to see other male and female bloggers write up similar posts and give their perspectives.
Step 1 – Embrace Your Inner Warrior
I’m going to interchange the term warrior and athlete here. We’re all born athletes and have the capacity for strength and endurance. It’s ridiculous to live a life without honoring your physical self and maximizing your body. Men especially are born warriors and need to act like it. Get your asses in the gym and get strong. Benefits: Looking great, health, longer life, great sex.
This the first thing a man should embrace.
“No citizen has a right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training…what a disgrace it is for a man to grow old without ever seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” – Socrates
Step 2 – Get with the “In” Crowd
This starts in high school. Being part of the “in” crowd is important because it gives you opportunities. And let’s face it, the in crowd has more fun.
The easiest way to get in is to be good looking, rich, or cool. Barring those, I recommend being a sports star. Even being a star in a fringe sport (Lacrosse, rowing, whatever) is helpful. This gives you a solid social circle and gives you cache because you’re really good at something.
Besides opportunities, being in is good training for being socially attractive. Social attraction skills pay huge dividends for the rest of your life.
If you’re totally uncool in high school (I was) it gets much easier to get with an in crowd post-college. You simply have to have a good job, be cool, and be successful at a few things. Limitations like looks become less of a barrier.
Step 3 – Find 2-3 Things to be Badass At
At minimum, be awesome at one thing that you can spin into a career and make tons of money at, like business. My 3 things are technology, sports, and writing, not necessarily in that order. I need to follow my own advice and turn one of those into a super moneymaker, but I at least can always have a solid career in technology if I maintain the status quo.
Start on this one early, like in high school, and work on it hard in your 20′s. You want to be a badass at a couple of things by the time you’re 30. If you’re not, you’ll miss out on a ton of opportunities.
If you’re not a badass at a couple of things in our life, you’re not a real man. Get with the program.
Step 4 – Commit to Being Cool
It took me years to figure out what being cool even meant. I knew what it looked and sounded like, but I couldn’t figure out how to be cool. My proposed solution here is to read up on pickup arts and peripheral literature, work on your body language, dress well, be in shape physically, and converse with a lot of people while trying to be witty and cool. Pickup arts are all about becoming cool. It’s a long process and something all men should commit to.
My favorite cool television character is Roger Sterling on Mad Men. He has great lines, excellent body language, and always dresses sharply. Try to emulate him.
For reading, I recommend The Game, Double Your Dating, and anything by Vin DiCarlo for starters. There are dozens of books you could read, but those three got me pointed in the right direction.
Step 5 – Pickup Lots of Chicks
I sucked with women for my entire teens and 20′s. If you also suck, spend your 20s learning how to approach and attract women. This has numerous benefits, but a few of the important ones are 1) it gives you practice being cool, 2) you’ll be less needy and insecure, 3) you learn how to treat women properly, and 4) you learn what you like in women and who you’re compatible with.
You also get way better at sex, which is important. By the time you’re 30, I recommend having been with at least 20 women, 30 or more would be better.
Step 6 – Have a Variety of Partners and Explore Sex
Great sex is key to relationships. This is under emphasized in mainstream dating and relationship advice. You don’t get good at sex until you’ve had a good number of partners, sampled a variety of styles, experimented, and gotten laid a bunch. Ignore mainstream literature on the subject because it’s counter productive. Part of the male experience is being with women, so embrace this and be with as many as you can.
I’ve found that I’m learning so much more now about good sex than I did 10 or even 5 years ago because I’ve got a foundation of knowledge and I’m capable of thinking critically about the activity. If I had gotten married in my 20′s, my sexual game would have plateaued and me and my partner would now be having married-people-sex, that is hardly at all. Fuck that.
Here’s something I learned recently. I bought my first pair of restraints and used them on my partner the same day. It was a smashing success. I was inspired to do so by reading this Black and Blue post. I didn’t even know I liked bondage a year ago. Now I think it’s incredibly erotic and releasing. There is a level of communication going on there with my partner that is impossible to achieve via regular conversation. I’ve had plenty of partners who were repelled or squeamish on the idea of bondage, so I’m glad I kept experimenting.
Step 7 – Watch Lots of Porn
Porn is free, it helps you determine what your kinks are, and it gives you ideas in the bedroom. Don’t pooh-pooh porn. If you’re not mentally creating movies of interesting and exciting sexual sessions in your head (ie fantasizing), then you’re not good in the sack. Watch more porn to fix this.
Step 8 – Decide if College is Worth the Expense
Knowledge is getting easier and less expensive to obtain and the economics of a college education are making less sense. Many of the men I work with in technology didn’t graduate from college and most of them have inexpensive degrees. They’re hireable because they’re talented coders and that’s all that matters.
In other fields, you must have at least a bachelors degree. Put some thought into a career and what you need education-wise to make it happen. Graduate school is definitely a big question mark…my graduate degree was expensive and hasn’t given me any ROI yet, so I’m of the mind that it wasn’t worth it. I would rather have spent the time traveling, reading, and exploring. I could have redirected tens of thousands of dollars had I done that.
On the other hand, college gives you a lot of social training and opportunities, and those can’t be discounted. I could also never take away my undergraduate education because of the psychic and spiritual benefits it’s given me…I love being a graduate of the University of Florida and the psychic benefit is worth the premium.
Step 9 – Decide What Relationships Mean To You
The past two years I’ve been grappling with what kind of relationships are right for me. I know I don’t want kids and I’m on the fence big-time about marriage. For other guys, being married and monogamous with kids is right. For others, monogamy isn’t right, nor is marriage. Explore and be true to yourself.
I also don’t recommend that guys get married until at least age 30 and instead focus their energy on business/career and learning about relationships. The cool thing is we can always get married to younger women after age 30, so it’s no biggee to wait. Women have an entirely different agenda here so you have to be careful not to get pinned down. Unless that’s what you want. If you read Penelope’s post she’s all about women getting married early on and protecting the family, which often conflicts with the male destiny.
Step 10 – Figure Out Your Destiny
Every man has a gift and is good at something. Figure out what that is and pursue it with passion and determination. This is part of your destiny. Everything else is secondary. A man who doesn’t pursue his destiny is not a man at all.