I Want A Tall, Handsome, Ambitious Man To Sweep Me Off My Feet Because I Love To Laugh!

As you may or may not know, I do a fair amount of bitching about online dating, especially Match.com. Match has got it’s place and I know it’s great for a lot of people, but I kinda have a love-hate relationship with it. Maybe a little more on the hate side. I prefer to meet women in the field and in the last two years I’ve met far more quality women the old fashioned way than via online.

(OMG I love to laugh!)

I have solid online game, not stellar, simply because I don’t spend a ton of time calibrating and honing my game. I usually sign up for one month, get pissed because my stuff will get stolen or I’ll date an alkie, then cancel. I’ll wait two months or go into a work phase of my life, then get back on because I’m bored. Rinse and repeat.

Anyway, I’ve browsed a ton of chick profiles and the vast majority of them suck. And I mean, suck hard. They all say the same things and very few profiles move me to write quality emails. This is a problem, because chicks complain about guys who don’t write good emails, or they complain when guys say something dumb: “Hey, I think you’re cute, wanna fuck?”

The problem is exacerbated because chicks get a ton of emails despite having shitty profiles, giving them little incentive to change. Guys will email 20 chicks per day based on pictures alone. I’m absolutely guilty of doing this, and to be quite honest, I only read 20-30% of a profile just to get the keywords. Once I have my keywords, I can craft a pretty good email.

So instead of giving a bunch of tips on how to write a quality profile, I’m going to write the quintessential chick profile to give you an idea of what I’ve seen a zillion times.

Headline: Waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet!

I’ve never done the online thing before but here I am so we’ll see how it goes. About me. I’m not your typical girl next door. I love to have a good time, go dancing with my friends, but also stay at home and curl up with a good book and a movie and someone special in my PJ’s while cooking a good meal at home in front of the fire. I enjoy going to the movies, going to the beach, spending time with my friends, outdoorsy stuff, and having fun. I also love to laugh! I believe in having fun and I think laughing is so much fun! My life is measured in smiles, and right now I’m up to a mile of smiles! I also love flowers, holding hands, puppies, and the fun girly things that girls are supposed to love. That doesn’t make me a hopeless romantic, but I do love romance and I’m waiting for my white knight to sweep me off my feet. I don’t really go to bars and clubs any more even though I used to a lot because I finally graduated and now I have a job. I’m down to earth and I have a good head on my shoulders. I love to travel and the color pink!

I used to think I wanted someone to complete me, but now I know I’m complete by myself. I’m not looking for anything serious, friendship at first, but if something serious develops then we’ll see what happens ;) I want someone who is honest, loyal, fun, witty, sincere, trustworthy, and doesn’t want to play games. (If you’re a player, please look elsewhere because I won’t have sex with a guy unless he buys me dinner at least three times.) Honesty is my biggest thing…you only get ONE chance with me so please pay attention.

My match would be a serious guy with ambition, but also tall, ambitious, intelligent, confident, active, really handsome, sexy, humorous, well traveled, successful, and make me laugh. Also must be able to hold a good conversation. I want someone respectful, independent, has a great family because family is important, and who treats me like I’m special. Did I mention that I love to laugh? I do LOL!! Also, please be taller than six feet, I’m not attracted to shorties, and make over 100k, or at least 75k, that would be good too. Thanks guys, drop me a email, I’ll look forward to hearing from you LOL!

I just wrote a 400 word profile and it said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Believe it or not, I lifted parts of every one of those lines from actual profiles. Ladies, if your profile reads like this, you’re not marketing yourself properly. All you’re selling is your pretty face via pictures and we’re ignoring your profile because it’s total bullshit. If the pics are the only thing the guy can focus on, you’re only attracting on a sexual level. And you wonder why guys just wanna fuck and run?

(LOL look we’re doing the shocker!!)

(I’m a classy girl, please don’t try to sleep with me on the first date.)

(Social drinker, maybe one or two.)

(LOL x 3!!!)

All pics are from random Match chicks across the country. If you’re one of these chicks and you hate the fact that I lifted your picture, just email me with the subject line “Hey, Douchebag.” Also, if you’re looking for a date with a guy who’s awesome in the sack and keeps it real, send me an email here.

  • http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com Cathouse Teri

    I think you could write a song about it! ;)

    Cathouse Teris last blog post..The Dark Knight!

  • http://www.edumckaytion.com/blog Scot McKay

    Lance, that’s hilarious. And 100% accurate, unfortunately.

    Women who think they’ve got some pretty hot pics seem to write either lame profiles or hardly any profile at all. Then they wonder why they don’t get any quality guys.

    Cheers,

    Scot

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  • http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com Hot Alpha Female

    “Did I mention that I love to laugh? I do LOL!!”

    Ohhh shite I just died.

    Of laughter that is. Thats awesome lance.

    Ok so a couple of things.

    yes i know this post was freaking written in the 18th century.

    But I’m going to link to this post .. because I just put up with an AWESOME profile on an aussie online dating site.

    You are going to LOVE IT! Coz its the opposite of the bullcrap you were bitching about here.

    muhahah social experiement .. number 2

    Also I need to quote you on this lance.

    “I prefer to meet women in the field and in the last two years I’ve met far more quality women the old fashioned way than via online.”

    Now i dont know your whole situation, but i think i read somewhere that you met ur current girlfriend online.

    Funny how that happens huh? *winks*

    And apparently you chuck tantrums when chicks beat you at bowling ..

    muhahaha

    Ok im done.

    HAF

    Hot Alpha Female´s last blog post…Five Minute Find A Man Monday’s – Why Men Don’t Hit On YOU

  • http://honeyandlance.com/ Lance

    It is totally ironic that I found my current gf on match, despite hating online dating, isn’t it? Where’s your profile? I want to see it.

  • http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com Hot Alpha Female

    hahah

    Well its kind of like me totally not being into asains and online dating and people I can’t stand.

    Yet ironically I may end up with some asian dude, who i met online, who irritates me.

    Such is life.

    Hey I’m coming out with a post on friday, with the profile link, stats and so on =)

    HAF

    Hot Alpha Female´s last blog post…Five Minute Find A Woman Wednesdays – Toilet Conversation – What Really Goes ON?!

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  • Mo

    I think the height issue absolutely KILLS women’s chances plus the money requirement doesn’t help. I don’t see as much about the guy should make a certain amount of money as that most women are dead fucking set on HEIGHT. Women then counter and say oh we really don’t care that much about height we just say that in the profile. That is such fucking BULLSHIT!!

    Women have got to stop obsessing about HEIGHT they must have a man that is this tall and has to be over 6 feet no if and or buts and they are all dead set on that HEIGHT!!! So many many very quality men pass up women’s profiles because of the height issue. Men see women’s profile that has that their man MUST be 6′ +++ will just pass over their profile. It also put’s a huge red flag to us men that says ULTRA SHALLOW WHEN WOMEN ARE OBSESSED ON MEN”S HEIGHT!!

    Women then also counter and are like well why men always want skinny women or not date women with more weight. Well the truth is most men don’t like the ultra skinny women and also women with the EXTRA WEIGHT they CAN LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT!! BUT MEN’S HEIGHT IS OUR HEIGHT SIMPLY CAN’T BE CHANGED!!!

    There is NO MUST HAVE TO BE 6′ OR TALLER!! You women may want that height but it’s absolutely not a NECESSITY or a MUST HAVE. When women stop putting the height requirement as a must and more substance they will get a lot better results!!

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Honey

    Jake says he is 5’7″…I think the truth is closer to 5’6″. He is way more obsessed with height than I am…I never cared but he simply refuses to even consider a woman that is not at least 3 inches shorter than he is (so that worst case scenario they match if she wears heels).

    Of course, I am 5’3″ so it is fine, but I always thought it was very close-minded of him to think that way.

  • http://missmentor.com Lisa

    This is great!! Can you do more posts with pics on hating Match.com?

  • Earl

    I Want A Tall, Handsome, Ambitious Man To Sweep Me Off My Feet Because I Love to Laugh.

    Yeah goooood luck with that statement. If women really actually believe in that statement most women are always going to be shooting themselves in the foot time and time again and rarly get far at all in the dating world. That statement is only “FANTASY” yeah there may be a VERY select few men that meet ALL that criteria but the select few is VERY VERY FAR AND FEW BETWEEN. If you women believe in this statement you’ll have a much better chance of getting a cat or several cat’s. Yeah there are a lot/tons of ambitious men BOTH TALL AND NOT AS TALL AS THE 6′ + STUPID IDIOTIC REQUIREMENT BY A LOT OF WOMEN!! But women that have their mind so stuck on that statement and demanding that their boyfriend meet that statement requirement is so lost into LA LA LAND and watches WAY to much TV!!!

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I can only guess you are under 5’10″ :-)

    Personally, height’s never been a big deal for me. Which is great, because I got 2 out of 3!
    .-= Honey´s last blog …7 Ways To Destroy Creepiness and Improve Your Life (Part 2) =-.

  • Earl

    Ok who gives a SHIT if I am less than 5’10″ or maybe I am 5’10″ it doesn’t MATTER!!! I am what I am in terms of height!! Women GET OVER IT. Get over you stupid lame man’s height OBSESSION!! Yes for your info I am right around 5’10″ but height shouldn’t and doesn’t MATTER!! It is such a double standard that women think it’s all ok for them to be oh so ultra ultra picky and must just simply must no if and or buts just must have to have a guy that is TALL 6′ and above. But oh wait it’s never ok for a man to have a skinny lady with at least double D boobs or a lady with just a smidge of weight and if she so chooses she can lose that weight. Can men get taller?????? NO!! We are what we are and quit using the excuse of SHORT MAN SYNDROM which there is NO SUCH THING. If women actually took the time to correct themselves when they say something along the line of Napoleon complex they would realize they were wrong. You ladies are so completely wrong with the whole Napoleon complex because he was actually 5’7″ not 5’2″ because his height was not converted to English measure.

  • http://www.mushtaqtravel.co.uk cheap

    i’ll be her man indeed!

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Uh, I think Jake’s like 5’6″
    .-= Honey´s last blog …State Trooper Fired After Getting Hummer From Porn Star =-.

  • Spiritual Anarchist

    The height thing is dead on. Women are obsessed as a general rule. Dating sites are the worst of them. I am only 5’4 5’5 at the most. If you put info on your profile it weeds out your searches. Try any dating service and put 5’4 on your profile as a male. Maybe 1 or 2 results show out of several hundred possible matches. Now try 5’5 or 5’6 You get maybe 3-5 results. Now try 5’7 BAM you get 30 to 70 % of the results depending on what other criteria you enter nonsmoker social drinker etc.

    Heightism is so bad here in America I actually have my ID stating 5’7 just in case I ever had to submit it to a dating site. The obvious irony is that this applies to even the shortest of women from 4’9 to 5’6 themselves. IE when they see my ID they presume it close to true unless they are as tall or taller than me. Height is not a physical need but a psychological one.

    Its like men with breast size. If you have all the curves and proportion most men will believe anything (within reason) you tell them. Human beings by nature have to feel the own the biggest and shiniest trophy. IF they would just grow up and not be so picky they wouldn’t be so dependent on these dating sites any way.

  • V

    Fuck this shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was at a bar tonight and this attractive lady sitting buy a guy and they started chatting and he stood up clearly he was 5’10″ when he came back and chatted with her a bit more she had the nerve to say she wanted to date a much taller man and she was all of 5’1″. WTF!!!!! I snickered when the guy said I see so you really are that shallow. She got all pissy, huffy and like so many women do when they get all pissy turn their head, pout and put out the ugh. He was just stating the obvious. Women, don’t get all huffy, pouty when you say something and then take what you said and try and put back on him because you said something and WE CLEARLY CALLED YOU OUT ON IT!!! Shit women take it like a women and date him!!!! WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT HEIGHT!!!! UGHHHHHH get the flying fuck over HEIGHT JUST FUCKING GET OVER IT PERIOD!!!!!!!!!! 5’8″, 5’9″ 5’10″ IS NOT FUCKING SHORT!!!! AND YES TO YOUR WOMEN’S POINT WE GENERALLY DON’T LIKE THE FUCKING FAT ASS WOMEN!!! But at the same time IT’S A MUTE ARGUMENT BECAUSE YES WEIGHT CAN BE FUCKING LOST!!! HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT!!! HEIGHT CAN’T BE CHANGED PERIOD!! SO GET OVER IT!!!!

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I am sick of reading about all these guys with enough inner rage over this issue to blow up a post office. Jake claims to be 5’8″, admits privately to me to being 5’7″, and is probably actually 5’6″, and I fell in love with him on the first date.

    Just because you’re dating out of your league in all respects and women throw out the height thing because listing all your character flaws is too time consuming, doesn’t mean all women are obsessed with height. Get over it.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Backache =-.

  • Shannon

    I’ve actually got nothing to add to the above/recent comments but just wanted to say that “I do LOL!” is still gold. ;)

  • http://howtojumphighertodunk.info/ John

    Hahaha this is so funny. Well, I don’t know if all women are like that, but I think that they can “forget” about many of those standards if you are a real man. I mean, some women think they know what they want, but usually attraction does something else. I bet you know what I’m talking about. Online dating is just fun, like thousands of hot women one click away.
    .-= John´s last blog …How To Jump Higher To Dunk Best Advice =-.

  • fandre

    f@#@$#%%^^& you all. I wish u cn go daonw to hell hapy ever after. . .
    bitches… I love this shit… I am illigal dude fu..king with you ass hole … id oent know English shit…

  • Earl

    Also for a lot of women please do us a favor and take online dating seriously. So many women diss online dating and are like “ugh really” online dating?? Yeah it is the 21st century and we use computers, phone’s PDA’s etc and that’s now how everyone DATES and find’s their date’s, GF’s or whatever. The bars are so yesterday…. The bars are great for obvisoulsy meeting or going out with friends but finding dates in bars is proven ineffective unless your just wanting to get laid which is totally fine but finding a solid relationship rarly happens in bars anymore.

  • Sam

    Hi Lance,

    I recently signed up for match.com (for 6 months FML!!)and just found your and Honey’s posts. I am beginning to wonder (and realize) that maybe i made some mistake. What you have posted seems to have a lot of truth in them, both about banal profiles and fake profiles. I recently emailed to one extremely gorgeous looking woman on match.com and guess what – next day her profile doesn’t exist anymore. Today i saw that someone added me to her favorites list and I went to see her profile and the same story. I am wondering if this is a scam. I have very recently signed up and feeling a lil stupid abt the entire thing. Thanks for your post anyway.

    Sam

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