I Want A Tall, Handsome, Ambitious Man To Sweep Me Off My Feet Because I Love To Laugh!

As you may or may not know, I do a fair amount of bitching about online dating, especially Match.com. Match has got it’s place and I know it’s great for a lot of people, but I kinda have a love-hate relationship with it. Maybe a little more on the hate side. I prefer to meet women in the field and in the last two years I’ve met far more quality women the old fashioned way than via online.

(OMG I love to laugh!)

I have solid online game, not stellar, simply because I don’t spend a ton of time calibrating and honing my game. I usually sign up for one month, get pissed because my stuff will get stolen or I’ll date an alkie, then cancel. I’ll wait two months or go into a work phase of my life, then get back on because I’m bored. Rinse and repeat.

Anyway, I’ve browsed a ton of chick profiles and the vast majority of them suck. And I mean, suck hard. They all say the same things and very few profiles move me to write quality emails. This is a problem, because chicks complain about guys who don’t write good emails, or they complain when guys say something dumb: “Hey, I think you’re cute, wanna fuck?”

The problem is exacerbated because chicks get a ton of emails despite having shitty profiles, giving them little incentive to change. Guys will email 20 chicks per day based on pictures alone. I’m absolutely guilty of doing this, and to be quite honest, I only read 20-30% of a profile just to get the keywords. Once I have my keywords, I can craft a pretty good email.

So instead of giving a bunch of tips on how to write a quality profile, I’m going to write the quintessential chick profile to give you an idea of what I’ve seen a zillion times.

Headline: Waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet!

I’ve never done the online thing before but here I am so we’ll see how it goes. About me. I’m not your typical girl next door. I love to have a good time, go dancing with my friends, but also stay at home and curl up with a good book and a movie and someone special in my PJ’s while cooking a good meal at home in front of the fire. I enjoy going to the movies, going to the beach, spending time with my friends, outdoorsy stuff, and having fun. I also love to laugh! I believe in having fun and I think laughing is so much fun! My life is measured in smiles, and right now I’m up to a mile of smiles! I also love flowers, holding hands, puppies, and the fun girly things that girls are supposed to love. That doesn’t make me a hopeless romantic, but I do love romance and I’m waiting for my white knight to sweep me off my feet. I don’t really go to bars and clubs any more even though I used to a lot because I finally graduated and now I have a job. I’m down to earth and I have a good head on my shoulders. I love to travel and the color pink!

I used to think I wanted someone to complete me, but now I know I’m complete by myself. I’m not looking for anything serious, friendship at first, but if something serious develops then we’ll see what happens šŸ˜‰ I want someone who is honest, loyal, fun, witty, sincere, trustworthy, and doesn’t want to play games. (If you’re a player, please look elsewhere because I won’t have sex with a guy unless he buys me dinner at least three times.) Honesty is my biggest thing…you only get ONE chance with me so please pay attention.

My match would be a serious guy with ambition, but also tall, ambitious, intelligent, confident, active, really handsome, sexy, humorous, well traveled, successful, and make me laugh. Also must be able to hold a good conversation. I want someone respectful, independent, has a great family because family is important, and who treats me like I’m special. Did I mention that I love to laugh? I do LOL!! Also, please be taller than six feet, I’m not attracted to shorties, and make over 100k, or at least 75k, that would be good too. Thanks guys, drop me a email, I’ll look forward to hearing from you LOL!

I just wrote a 400 word profile and it said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Believe it or not, I lifted parts of every one of those lines from actual profiles. Ladies, if your profile reads like this, you’re not marketing yourself properly. All you’re selling is your pretty face via pictures and we’re ignoring your profile because it’s total bullshit. If the pics are the only thing the guy can focus on, you’re only attracting on a sexual level. And you wonder why guys just wanna fuck and run?

(LOL look we’re doing the shocker!!)

(I’m a classy girl, please don’t try to sleep with me on the first date.)

(Social drinker, maybe one or two.)

(LOL x 3!!!)

All pics are from random Match chicks across the country. If you’re one of these chicks and you hate the fact that I lifted your picture, just email me with the subject line “Hey, Douchebag.” Also, if you’re looking for a date with a guy who’s awesome in the sack and keeps it real, send me an email here.

  • http://www.worklovelife.com Holly Hoffman

    I’m laughing my ass off. I love the overuse of exclamation points. Three! In! A row!

    I must defend a little though – I met my BF on Match. And I used a pro to edit my profile (thanks Lance!).

    Maybe the key is just not to expect too much. I definitely didn’t expect anything.

    The “price range” is kind of creepy. Clearly you can must buy her love.

    Holly Hoffmans last blog post..Your personal style matters… now give it some thought

  • http://diaryofadisillusioneddater.blogspot.com/ marc

    Amen, brother! It’s not just true of Match. Women are guilty of this on every site I’ve been on, but they have no incentive to change their shitty, generic profiles because tons of guys email them anyway. I do what you do too – scan the profile for a keyword or phrase I can make a witty remark about and shoot off an email that almost always goes unanswered because these chicks get hundreds of emails in their inboxes, despite how unfuckingbelievably lame they come off in their profiles.

    If we could get every guy to ice these chicks, and not email them, they’d be forced to write something interesting, or actually BE interesting. Sadly, horniness will always rule, and the cute chicks with the shitty profiles will remain popular, and not change.

    marcs last blog post..You think she’s cute, right?

  • http://www.angeleyesdevilsmile.com Brad

    Sadly… I have no experience with any of these sites…

    It’s amazing how quickly I meet people in daily life.

    But, I HAVE heard of the horror stories.

    Like, at LEAST put a real picture of yourself up… oh… and show us your ass… it’s important… lol.

    Brads last blog post..The Source Of Fun Method

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Well, having been on and off Match and a couple other personals sites for about 4 years before meeting the BF, I have to say that NONE of the guys pages are any different. Of course, I didn’t meet Lance on Match, so I’m not counting him. I’ve seen his profile, and it’s great šŸ˜‰

  • http://40ssingleness.blogspot.com/ lisaq

    Hilarious! I definitely have to agree with Honey here though…the guys’ profiles are just as lame even down to walking on the beach and candle lit dinners. Ugh!

    Please excuse me while I go throw up in my mouth a little bit…

    lisaqs last blog post..How Do You Approach an Older Woman?

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Honey, you should do a double take on profiles for the fellas. I’m well aware that guys have terribly lame profiles. Except mine, of course.

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    Lance, you are too funny, and unfortunately, spot on right. Match profiles are lame. Miles of smiles! gag. More like miles of crappy online dates and tons of stories to tell.

    That said – online dating is a great way to hook up! So I won’t bash it completely.

    dadshouses last blog post..A Great Vacation

  • Lilly


    I have a story about this. I dated a girl in Vermont who was approached by a guy wanting her to go on-line, create a profile, and check it every so often. He said he would PAY her $20/month! She didn’t do it, but it doesn’t surprise me that the girls are paid to go on there to get guys to pay to sign up.

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    I haven’t researched this, but I understand there are a lot of scammers and people who work for match that wink and email guys to entice them to maintain their accounts. Match probably has a bunch of interns busily making fake profiles and emailing dudes every day.

  • girlg33k

    Hahaha spot on Lance! I kind of like to fly the flag for intelligent girls out there and dispair at the sheer amount of drivel some (clearly intelligent) women on dating sites come up with.

    So, tell you what, here’s my description for you to judge:

    “work in IT, have my own teeth, tall, currently bored sh*tless, odd sense of humour, good at Wii Sports, suck at bowling, still play Super Mario 64, like turning up my music, not a morning person, don’t own any skirts, love food when I don’t have to cook it, excel at telling random facts about myself :)”

    Interestingly, I’ve not had too many replies… which begs the question: quirky/interesting or fluffy and blonde? Seems you can’t win either way…

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    I think that’s a great little paragraph, I got sucked into it immediately because of the bored sh*tless line. If you’re not getting responses, I would examine your pictures and headline first, those are the frontline items when doing searches.

    You might already be doing this, but I recommend describing, like describe one of those random facts you mentioned.

  • Lilly

    Yeah, I would describe, like de-LETE my profile and get out and actually meet some people!

  • http://thedateabledork.typepad.com The Dateable Dork

    Hahaha!!! Lance, this is great. And Honey, you should totally do a post on guys’ profiles!

    Favorite parts (i.e., parts that made me crack up and throw up all at the same time):
    – “miles of smiles”
    – “love the color pink”
    – “I’m complete by myself”
    – “I do LOL!”

    Oh, and the “please pay attention” part is actually kinda hot… like she’s giving orders… maybe with a whip or something? Rawwwrrrrr….. : )

    The Dateable Dorks last blog post..Weekend update: pool and bookworm edition

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    The secret is… pictures that show your face, eyes, and smile.

    my formula is 1 month at a time. I agree with you Lance, 1 month on… couple months of the sites. Personally I mix it up, but most of you already know that. I do some online dating, via match and a couple other sites. I also go with the old fashioned way of meeting. Since I’m not sitting at home wondering IF I can find a date.. my dating shelf life is about 2-3 weeks before I actually go out with someone for the 1st time.

  • http://cheekiebacktalk.blogspot.com cheekie

    LOL x3 Lance !!!!!!

    ha. god. funny as hell buddy.
    I have a few screenshots of some ‘keepers’ from my trollin’ days.
    I hated, HATED the online dating thing. Met a couple of nice guys who are now friends, but man, argh. I hated the conveyer belt feeling I always got.

    My profile said ‘I absolutely love going to see live music in small clubs, the smaller and grungier the better’…lol.
    no puppies, no hand holding.
    No wonder most of my first dates were going to play pool…

    I should send you some of the men’s profiles I kept, and the cheese emails…or maybe, I could write a little post of my faves. hmmm….


  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    You should totally do that! Let’s all have a week of bashing shitty match.com profiles! LOL!!

  • http://ipitw.blogspot.com/ TentCamper

    I don’t know what to say dude….you said it all. I have never usd one of those services, but I can imagine the total ‘whoreshit’ that you must see. I think that the only way o solve that problem isto have a brief profile up and then a link to request a chat. It would be far harder for people to be anything other than themselves if it is a back and forth chat where they are under the gun to respond.
    Who knows… if that does not exist…maybe I cold make some real dough.

    TentCampers last blog post..Birth Mom Dumped Me For the Second F’ing Time!

  • Jonsi

    The worst is if you somehow find a way to craft a genuine message to one of those women — while your profile is quirky and descriptive — and all they write back is “you say some nice things, and I like your profile” and then nothing later. And those women are different than the ones paid to wink/respond to a certain quota. It’s actually easy to weed those ones out.

    Seriously, take something interesting and describe it. Say “when I was growing up, my dad took me to a fossil dig of a sabertooth tiger near my house. Ever since, I’ve loved hiking in the outdoors, because you never now what you are going to discover when you turn the corner. It’s a lot like dating, and I guess I’m looking for my Indiana Jones.”

    That is not much different than saying “I want my prince” but it is more descriptive and leaves room for flirtatious comments. Women can do a much better job and they could probably weed out more losers if they were more descriptive.

  • http://www.advicefromasingledatingexpert.com Evan Marc Katz

    Sorry, bud. Those rumors about Match employees starting fake accounts? Not true. Not even close. Big sites like that can coast on the millions of real people who had (and abandoned) their profiles over the years. But some of those cheesy sites? True.com? SugarDaddie? Mate1? You betcha.

    Evan Marc Katzs last blog post..Why Does the Guy Iā€™m Seeing Like Me More Since I Told Him I Was a Virgin?

  • http://www.advicefromasingledatingexpert.com Evan Marc Katz

    And more importantly – you’re spot on about bad profiles. Men are actually worse than women. Women at least TRY to say something – even if they say a whole lot of nothing. Men? Largely hopeless.

    It’s ironic that women complain about the boring emails men write to them, when all any guy is thinking is, “Isn’t there one HOT girl on here who has ANYTHING unique to say?”

    If you want a profile that seriously kicks ass and makes a HUGE difference in your life, go to http://www.e-cyrano.com. It’s amazing what an A+ can do for you when everyone else is putting out a C-.


    Evan Marc Katzs last blog post..Why Does the Guy Iā€™m Seeing Like Me More Since I Told Him I Was a Virgin?

  • http://www.vcarded.com The Virgin

    Haha…sheer brilliance. You absolutely nailed it dude, right down to the first line. (They always start with “I’ve never done the online game/thing/dating/whatever before.) Respect šŸ˜‰

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    Since Match is based in Dallas I have friends that work for match that verify that Lance. They change the thousands of profiles that are no longer active users to keep paying customers coming back.

    Eathans last blog post..Squirting Part 1

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Whoa, this sounds like a huge deal, an opportunity for some real reportage here. There also appears to be a discrepancy between what EMK and Eathan stated. Anyone want to address this?

  • http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com Cathouse Teri

    This was a cool couple of posts. I will admit, I was only part of the online dating scene for a few short months. I went out with three guys. The third guy, I am still with, after three years.

    I have met a number of men online, but not at dating sites. I was never a member of match.com. I refuse to be part of a program where I have to pay to get a date. This is beyond ridiculous to me. I get asked out in my daily life at least twice a week. I don’t know how NOT to get asked out!

    I have discovered something sorta funny lately though. Please tell all the ladies you know that if they want to stand out in the crowd and meet men, go to Home Depot! I even had a man stop me there yesterday and tell me he loves my shoes! And my boyfriend was with me! šŸ˜‰

    I was wondering, though ~ you say you meet most of your women in the field. There is a field where women are grown… and picked?

    Cathouse Teris last blog post..The Dark Knight!

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Sure. If I go to Antigua, the party girls practically sprout up like wildflowers. If I go to Blue Martini, that’s where the “high class” women are harvested. And if I walk around Wall Street, there’s always a cornucopia.