Honey
Lance
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Michael
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publiusI Want A Tall, Handsome, Ambitious Man To Sweep Me Off My Feet Because I Love To Laugh!
By Lance on Jul 21, 2008 in Dating
As you may or may not know, I do a fair amount of bitching about online dating, especially Match.com. Match has got it’s place and I know it’s great for a lot of people, but I kinda have a love-hate relationship with it. Maybe a little more on the hate side. I prefer to meet women in the field and in the last two years I’ve met far more quality women the old fashioned way than via online.
(OMG I love to laugh!)
I have solid online game, but not stellar, simply because I don’t spend a ton of time calibrating and honing my game. I usually sign up for one month, get pissed because my shit will get stolen or I’ll date an alkie, then cancel. I’ll wait two months or go into a work phase of my life, then get back on because I’m bored and on the computer all the time. Rinse and repeat. My hot dork friend calls match.com dumpster diving, and I think she’s spot on.
Anyway, I’ve browsed a shitload of chick profiles and the vast majority of them suck. And I mean, suck hard. They all say the same things and very few profiles move me to write quality emails. This is a problem, because chicks bitch about guys who don’t write good emails, or they bitch when guys say something stupid: “Hey, I think you’re cute, wanna fuck?”
The problem is exacerbated because chicks get a ton of emails despite having shitty profiles, giving them little incentive to change. Guys will email 20 chicks per day based on pictures alone. I’m absolutely guilty of doing this, and to be quite honest, I only read 20-30% of a profile just to get the keywords. Once I have my keywords, I can craft a pretty good email.
So instead of giving a bunch of tips on how to write a quality profile, I’m going to write the quintessential chick profile to give you an idea of what I’ve seen a zillion times. I’m drinking some haterade here but screw it.
Headline: Waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet!
I’ve never done the online thing before but here I am so we’ll see how it goes. About me. I’m not your typical girl next door. I love to have a good time, go dancing with my friends, but also stay at home and curl up with a good book and a movie and someone special in my PJ’s while cooking a good meal at home in front of the fire. I enjoy going to the movies, going to the beach, spending time with my friends, outdoorsy stuff, and having fun. I also love to laugh! I believe in having fun and I think laughing is so much fun! My life is measured in smiles, and right now I’m up to a mile of smiles! I also love flowers, holding hands, puppies, and the fun girly things that girls are supposed to love. That doesn’t make me a hopeless romantic, but I do love romance and I’m waiting for my white knight to sweep me off my feet. I don’t really go to bars and clubs any more even though I used to a lot because I finally graduated and now I have a job. I’m down to earth and I have a good head on my shoulders. I love to travel and the color pink!
I used to think I wanted someone to complete me, but now I know I’m complete by myself. I’m not looking for anything serious, friendship at first, but if something serious develops then we’ll see what happens
I want someone who is honest, loyal, fun, witty, sincere, trustworthy, and doesn’t want to play games. (If you’re a player, please look elsewhere because I won’t have sex with a guy unless he buys me dinner at least three times.) Honesty is my biggest thing…you only get ONE chance with me so please pay attention.
My match would be a serious guy with ambition, but also tall, ambitious, intelligent, confident, active, really handsome, sexy, humorous, well traveled, successful, and make me laugh. Also must be able to hold a good conversation. I want someone respectful, indepedent, has a great family because family is important, and who treats me like I’m special. Did I mention that I love to laugh? I do LOL!! Also, please be taller than six feet, I’m not attracted to shorties, and make over 100k, or at least 75k, that would be good too. Thanks guys, drop me a email, I’ll look forward to hearing from you LOL!
I just wrote a 400 word profile and it said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Believe it or not, I lifted parts of every one of those lines from actual profiles. Ladies, if your profile reads like this, you’re not marketing yourself properly. All you’re selling is your pretty face via pictures and we’re ignoring your profile because it’s total bullshit. If the pics are the only thing the guy can focus on, you’re only attracting on a sexual level. And you wonder why guys just wanna fuck and run?
(LOL look we’re doing the shocker!!)
(I’m a classy girl, please don’t try to sleep with me on the first date.)
(Social drinker, maybe one or two.)
(LOL x 3!!!)
All pics are from random Match chicks across the country. If you’re one of these chicks and you hate the fact that I lifted your picture, just email me with the subject line “Hey, Douchebag.” Also, if you’re looking for a date with a guy who’s awesome in the sack and keeps it real, send me an email here.
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I’m laughing my ass off. I love the overuse of exclamation points. Three! In! A row!
I must defend a little though – I met my BF on Match. And I used a pro to edit my profile (thanks Lance!).
Maybe the key is just not to expect too much. I definitely didn’t expect anything.
The “price range” is kind of creepy. Clearly you
canmust buy her love.Holly Hoffmans last blog post..Your personal style matters… now give it some thought
Amen, brother! It’s not just true of Match. Women are guilty of this on every site I’ve been on, but they have no incentive to change their shitty, generic profiles because tons of guys email them anyway. I do what you do too – scan the profile for a keyword or phrase I can make a witty remark about and shoot off an email that almost always goes unanswered because these chicks get hundreds of emails in their inboxes, despite how unfuckingbelievably lame they come off in their profiles.
If we could get every guy to ice these chicks, and not email them, they’d be forced to write something interesting, or actually BE interesting. Sadly, horniness will always rule, and the cute chicks with the shitty profiles will remain popular, and not change.
marcs last blog post..You think she’s cute, right?
Sadly… I have no experience with any of these sites…
It’s amazing how quickly I meet people in daily life.
But, I HAVE heard of the horror stories.
Like, at LEAST put a real picture of yourself up… oh… and show us your ass… it’s important… lol.
Brads last blog post..The Source Of Fun Method
Well, having been on and off Match and a couple other personals sites for about 4 years before meeting the BF, I have to say that NONE of the guys pages are any different. Of course, I didn’t meet Lance on Match, so I’m not counting him. I’ve seen his profile, and it’s great
Honey, you should do a double take on profiles for the fellas. I’m well aware that guys have terribly lame profiles. Except mine, of course.
Hilarious! I definitely have to agree with Honey here though…the guys’ profiles are just as lame even down to walking on the beach and candle lit dinners. Ugh!
Please excuse me while I go throw up in my mouth a little bit…
lisaqs last blog post..How Do You Approach an Older Woman?
Lance, you are too funny, and unfortunately, spot on right. Match profiles are lame. Miles of smiles! gag. More like miles of crappy online dates and tons of stories to tell.
That said – online dating is a great way to hook up! So I won’t bash it completely.
dadshouses last blog post..A Great Vacation
Hahahahahahaha!
I have a story about this. I dated a girl in Vermont who was approached by a guy wanting her to go on-line, create a profile, and check it every so often. He said he would PAY her $20/month! She didn’t do it, but it doesn’t surprise me that the girls are paid to go on there to get guys to pay to sign up.
I haven’t researched this, but I understand there are a lot of scammers and people who work for match that wink and email guys to entice them to maintain their accounts. Match probably has a bunch of interns busily making fake profiles and emailing dudes every day.
Sorry, bud. Those rumors about Match employees starting fake accounts? Not true. Not even close. Big sites like that can coast on the millions of real people who had (and abandoned) their profiles over the years. But some of those cheesy sites? True.com? SugarDaddie? Mate1? You betcha.
Evan Marc Katzs last blog post..Why Does the Guy I’m Seeing Like Me More Since I Told Him I Was a Virgin?
Since Match is based in Dallas I have friends that work for match that verify that Lance. They change the thousands of profiles that are no longer active users to keep paying customers coming back.
Eathans last blog post..Squirting Part 1
Whoa, this sounds like a huge deal, an opportunity for some real reportage here. There also appears to be a discrepancy between what EMK and Eathan stated. Anyone want to address this?
Hahaha spot on Lance! I kind of like to fly the flag for intelligent girls out there and dispair at the sheer amount of drivel some (clearly intelligent) women on dating sites come up with.
So, tell you what, here’s my description for you to judge:
“work in IT, have my own teeth, tall, currently bored sh*tless, odd sense of humour, good at Wii Sports, suck at bowling, still play Super Mario 64, like turning up my music, not a morning person, don’t own any skirts, love food when I don’t have to cook it, excel at telling random facts about myself
”
Interestingly, I’ve not had too many replies… which begs the question: quirky/interesting or fluffy and blonde? Seems you can’t win either way…
I think that’s a great little paragraph, I got sucked into it immediately because of the bored sh*tless line. If you’re not getting responses, I would examine your pictures and headline first, those are the frontline items when doing searches.
You might already be doing this, but I recommend describing, like describe one of those random facts you mentioned.
Yeah, I would describe, like de-LETE my profile and get out and actually meet some people!
Hahaha!!! Lance, this is great. And Honey, you should totally do a post on guys’ profiles!
Favorite parts (i.e., parts that made me crack up and throw up all at the same time):
- “miles of smiles”
- “love the color pink”
- “I’m complete by myself”
- “I do LOL!”
Oh, and the “please pay attention” part is actually kinda hot… like she’s giving orders… maybe with a whip or something? Rawwwrrrrr….. : )
The Dateable Dorks last blog post..Weekend update: pool and bookworm edition
The secret is… pictures that show your face, eyes, and smile.
my formula is 1 month at a time. I agree with you Lance, 1 month on… couple months of the sites. Personally I mix it up, but most of you already know that. I do some online dating, via match and a couple other sites. I also go with the old fashioned way of meeting. Since I’m not sitting at home wondering IF I can find a date.. my dating shelf life is about 2-3 weeks before I actually go out with someone for the 1st time.
LOL x3 Lance !!!!!!
ha. god. funny as hell buddy.
I have a few screenshots of some ‘keepers’ from my trollin’ days.
I hated, HATED the online dating thing. Met a couple of nice guys who are now friends, but man, argh. I hated the conveyer belt feeling I always got.
My profile said ‘I absolutely love going to see live music in small clubs, the smaller and grungier the better’…lol.
no puppies, no hand holding.
No wonder most of my first dates were going to play pool…
I should send you some of the men’s profiles I kept, and the cheese emails…or maybe, I could write a little post of my faves. hmmm….
You should totally do that! Let’s all have a week of bashing shitty match.com profiles! LOL!!
I don’t know what to say dude….you said it all. I have never usd one of those services, but I can imagine the total ‘whoreshit’ that you must see. I think that the only way o solve that problem isto have a brief profile up and then a link to request a chat. It would be far harder for people to be anything other than themselves if it is a back and forth chat where they are under the gun to respond.
Who knows… if that does not exist…maybe I cold make some real dough.
TentCampers last blog post..Birth Mom Dumped Me For the Second F’ing Time!
The worst is if you somehow find a way to craft a genuine message to one of those women — while your profile is quirky and descriptive — and all they write back is “you say some nice things, and I like your profile” and then nothing later. And those women are different than the ones paid to wink/respond to a certain quota. It’s actually easy to weed those ones out.
Seriously, take something interesting and describe it. Say “when I was growing up, my dad took me to a fossil dig of a sabertooth tiger near my house. Ever since, I’ve loved hiking in the outdoors, because you never now what you are going to discover when you turn the corner. It’s a lot like dating, and I guess I’m looking for my Indiana Jones.”
That is not much different than saying “I want my prince” but it is more descriptive and leaves room for flirtatious comments. Women can do a much better job and they could probably weed out more losers if they were more descriptive.
And more importantly – you’re spot on about bad profiles. Men are actually worse than women. Women at least TRY to say something – even if they say a whole lot of nothing. Men? Largely hopeless.
It’s ironic that women complain about the boring emails men write to them, when all any guy is thinking is, “Isn’t there one HOT girl on here who has ANYTHING unique to say?”
If you want a profile that seriously kicks ass and makes a HUGE difference in your life, go to http://www.e-cyrano.com. It’s amazing what an A+ can do for you when everyone else is putting out a C-.
Evan
Evan Marc Katzs last blog post..Why Does the Guy I’m Seeing Like Me More Since I Told Him I Was a Virgin?
Haha…sheer brilliance. You absolutely nailed it dude, right down to the first line. (They always start with “I’ve never done the online game/thing/dating/whatever before.) Respect
This was a cool couple of posts. I will admit, I was only part of the online dating scene for a few short months. I went out with three guys. The third guy, I am still with, after three years.
I have met a number of men online, but not at dating sites. I was never a member of match.com. I refuse to be part of a program where I have to pay to get a date. This is beyond ridiculous to me. I get asked out in my daily life at least twice a week. I don’t know how NOT to get asked out!
I have discovered something sorta funny lately though. Please tell all the ladies you know that if they want to stand out in the crowd and meet men, go to Home Depot! I even had a man stop me there yesterday and tell me he loves my shoes! And my boyfriend was with me!
I was wondering, though ~ you say you meet most of your women in the field. There is a field where women are grown… and picked?
Cathouse Teris last blog post..The Dark Knight!
Sure. If I go to Antigua, the party girls practically sprout up like wildflowers. If I go to Blue Martini, that’s where the “high class” women are harvested. And if I walk around Wall Street, there’s always a cornucopia.
I think you could write a song about it!
Cathouse Teris last blog post..The Dark Knight!
Lance, that’s hilarious. And 100% accurate, unfortunately.
Women who think they’ve got some pretty hot pics seem to write either lame profiles or hardly any profile at all. Then they wonder why they don’t get any quality guys.
Cheers,
Scot
[...] part of the negativity that Lance and Mike have toward women they meet online has to do with the generic nature of all of nearly all female profiles which result in the boys coming into the interactions [...]
“Did I mention that I love to laugh? I do LOL!!”
Ohhh shite I just died.
Of laughter that is. Thats awesome lance.
Ok so a couple of things.
yes i know this post was freaking written in the 18th century.
But I’m going to link to this post .. because I just put up with an AWESOME profile on an aussie online dating site.
You are going to LOVE IT! Coz its the opposite of the bullcrap you were bitching about here.
muhahah social experiement .. number 2
Also I need to quote you on this lance.
“I prefer to meet women in the field and in the last two years I’ve met far more quality women the old fashioned way than via online.”
Now i dont know your whole situation, but i think i read somewhere that you met ur current girlfriend online.
Funny how that happens huh? *winks*
And apparently you chuck tantrums when chicks beat you at bowling ..
muhahaha
Ok im done.
HAF
Hot Alpha Female´s last blog post…Five Minute Find A Man Monday’s – Why Men Don’t Hit On YOU
It is totally ironic that I found my current gf on match, despite hating online dating, isn’t it? Where’s your profile? I want to see it.
hahah
Well its kind of like me totally not being into asains and online dating and people I can’t stand.
Yet ironically I may end up with some asian dude, who i met online, who irritates me.
Such is life.
Hey I’m coming out with a post on friday, with the profile link, stats and so on =)
HAF
Hot Alpha Female´s last blog post…Five Minute Find A Woman Wednesdays – Toilet Conversation – What Really Goes ON?!
[...] So this whole online profile writing this was spurred on by an awesome post that lance did on his blog honey and lance a little while ago. You can view it here. [...]
[...] found a post written by a guy named Lance from Honey and Lance. He wrote a great example of a female dating profile that nicely sums up the overuse of clichés, [...]
I think the height issue absolutely KILLS women’s chances plus the money requirement doesn’t help. I don’t see as much about the guy should make a certain amount of money as that most women are dead fucking set on HEIGHT. Women then counter and say oh we really don’t care that much about height we just say that in the profile. That is such fucking BULLSHIT!!
Women have got to stop obsessing about HEIGHT they must have a man that is this tall and has to be over 6 feet no if and or buts and they are all dead set on that HEIGHT!!! So many many very quality men pass up women’s profiles because of the height issue. Men see women’s profile that has that their man MUST be 6′ +++ will just pass over their profile. It also put’s a huge red flag to us men that says ULTRA SHALLOW WHEN WOMEN ARE OBSESSED ON MEN”S HEIGHT!!
Women then also counter and are like well why men always want skinny women or not date women with more weight. Well the truth is most men don’t like the ultra skinny women and also women with the EXTRA WEIGHT they CAN LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT!! BUT MEN’S HEIGHT IS OUR HEIGHT SIMPLY CAN’T BE CHANGED!!!
There is NO MUST HAVE TO BE 6′ OR TALLER!! You women may want that height but it’s absolutely not a NECESSITY or a MUST HAVE. When women stop putting the height requirement as a must and more substance they will get a lot better results!!
Jake says he is 5’7″…I think the truth is closer to 5’6″. He is way more obsessed with height than I am…I never cared but he simply refuses to even consider a woman that is not at least 3 inches shorter than he is (so that worst case scenario they match if she wears heels).
Of course, I am 5’3″ so it is fine, but I always thought it was very close-minded of him to think that way.
This is great!! Can you do more posts with pics on hating Match.com?
I Want A Tall, Handsome, Ambitious Man To Sweep Me Off My Feet Because I Love to Laugh.
Yeah goooood luck with that statement. If women really actually believe in that statement most women are always going to be shooting themselves in the foot time and time again and rarly get far at all in the dating world. That statement is only “FANTASY” yeah there may be a VERY select few men that meet ALL that criteria but the select few is VERY VERY FAR AND FEW BETWEEN. If you women believe in this statement you’ll have a much better chance of getting a cat or several cat’s. Yeah there are a lot/tons of ambitious men BOTH TALL AND NOT AS TALL AS THE 6′ + STUPID IDIOTIC REQUIREMENT BY A LOT OF WOMEN!! But women that have their mind so stuck on that statement and demanding that their boyfriend meet that statement requirement is so lost into LA LA LAND and watches WAY to much TV!!!
I can only guess you are under 5’10″
Personally, height’s never been a big deal for me. Which is great, because I got 2 out of 3!
Honey´s last blog …7 Ways To Destroy Creepiness and Improve Your Life (Part 2)
Ok who gives a SHIT if I am less than 5’10″ or maybe I am 5’10″ it doesn’t MATTER!!! I am what I am in terms of height!! Women GET OVER IT. Get over you stupid lame man’s height OBSESSION!! Yes for your info I am right around 5’10″ but height shouldn’t and doesn’t MATTER!! It is such a double standard that women think it’s all ok for them to be oh so ultra ultra picky and must just simply must no if and or buts just must have to have a guy that is TALL 6′ and above. But oh wait it’s never ok for a man to have a skinny lady with at least double D boobs or a lady with just a smidge of weight and if she so chooses she can lose that weight. Can men get taller?????? NO!! We are what we are and quit using the excuse of SHORT MAN SYNDROM which there is NO SUCH THING. If women actually took the time to correct themselves when they say something along the line of Napoleon complex they would realize they were wrong. You ladies are so completely wrong with the whole Napoleon complex because he was actually 5’7″ not 5’2″ because his height was not converted to English measure.
Uh, I think Jake’s like 5’6″
Honey´s last blog …State Trooper Fired After Getting Hummer From Porn Star
i’ll be her man indeed!
The height thing is dead on. Women are obsessed as a general rule. Dating sites are the worst of them. I am only 5’4 5’5 at the most. If you put info on your profile it weeds out your searches. Try any dating service and put 5’4 on your profile as a male. Maybe 1 or 2 results show out of several hundred possible matches. Now try 5’5 or 5’6 You get maybe 3-5 results. Now try 5’7 BAM you get 30 to 70 % of the results depending on what other criteria you enter nonsmoker social drinker etc.
Heightism is so bad here in America I actually have my ID stating 5’7 just in case I ever had to submit it to a dating site. The obvious irony is that this applies to even the shortest of women from 4’9 to 5’6 themselves. IE when they see my ID they presume it close to true unless they are as tall or taller than me. Height is not a physical need but a psychological one.
Its like men with breast size. If you have all the curves and proportion most men will believe anything (within reason) you tell them. Human beings by nature have to feel the own the biggest and shiniest trophy. IF they would just grow up and not be so picky they wouldn’t be so dependent on these dating sites any way.
Fuck this shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was at a bar tonight and this attractive lady sitting buy a guy and they started chatting and he stood up clearly he was 5’10″ when he came back and chatted with her a bit more she had the nerve to say she wanted to date a much taller man and she was all of 5’1″. WTF!!!!! I snickered when the guy said I see so you really are that shallow. She got all pissy, huffy and like so many women do when they get all pissy turn their head, pout and put out the ugh. He was just stating the obvious. Women, don’t get all huffy, pouty when you say something and then take what you said and try and put back on him because you said something and WE CLEARLY CALLED YOU OUT ON IT!!! Shit women take it like a women and date him!!!! WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT HEIGHT!!!! UGHHHHHH get the flying fuck over HEIGHT JUST FUCKING GET OVER IT PERIOD!!!!!!!!!! 5’8″, 5’9″ 5’10″ IS NOT FUCKING SHORT!!!! AND YES TO YOUR WOMEN’S POINT WE GENERALLY DON’T LIKE THE FUCKING FAT ASS WOMEN!!! But at the same time IT’S A MUTE ARGUMENT BECAUSE YES WEIGHT CAN BE FUCKING LOST!!! HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT IS HEIGHT!!! HEIGHT CAN’T BE CHANGED PERIOD!! SO GET OVER IT!!!!
I am sick of reading about all these guys with enough inner rage over this issue to blow up a post office. Jake claims to be 5’8″, admits privately to me to being 5’7″, and is probably actually 5’6″, and I fell in love with him on the first date.
Just because you’re dating out of your league in all respects and women throw out the height thing because listing all your character flaws is too time consuming, doesn’t mean all women are obsessed with height. Get over it.
Honey´s last blog …Backache
I’ve actually got nothing to add to the above/recent comments but just wanted to say that “I do LOL!” is still gold.
Hahaha this is so funny. Well, I don’t know if all women are like that, but I think that they can “forget” about many of those standards if you are a real man. I mean, some women think they know what they want, but usually attraction does something else. I bet you know what I’m talking about. Online dating is just fun, like thousands of hot women one click away.
John´s last blog …How To Jump Higher To Dunk Best Advice
f@#@$#%%^^& you all. I wish u cn go daonw to hell hapy ever after. . .
bitches… I love this shit… I am illigal dude fu..king with you ass hole … id oent know English shit…
Also for a lot of women please do us a favor and take online dating seriously. So many women diss online dating and are like “ugh really” online dating?? Yeah it is the 21st century and we use computers, phone’s PDA’s etc and that’s now how everyone DATES and find’s their date’s, GF’s or whatever. The bars are so yesterday…. The bars are great for obvisoulsy meeting or going out with friends but finding dates in bars is proven ineffective unless your just wanting to get laid which is totally fine but finding a solid relationship rarly happens in bars anymore.