About the Author

Lance is an aspiring social artist based in Central Florida. His goal is to be a kickass dude, meet cool people, and generally dominate at life. He enjoys sports, surfing, socializing, reading and writing. You can contact Lance via email here or online here.

I Want A Tall, Handsome, Ambitious Man To Sweep Me Off My Feet Because I Love To Laugh!

As you may or may not know, I do a fair amount of bitching about online dating, especially Match.com. Match has got it’s place and I know it’s great for a lot of people, but I kinda have a love-hate relationship with it. Maybe a little more on the hate side. I prefer to meet women in the field and in the last two years I’ve met far more quality women the old fashioned way than via online.

(OMG I love to laugh!)

I have solid online game, not stellar, simply because I don’t spend a ton of time calibrating and honing my game. I usually sign up for one month, get pissed because my stuff will get stolen or I’ll date an alkie, then cancel. I’ll wait two months or go into a work phase of my life, then get back on because I’m bored. Rinse and repeat.

Anyway, I’ve browsed a ton of chick profiles and the vast majority of them suck. And I mean, suck hard. They all say the same things and very few profiles move me to write quality emails. This is a problem, because chicks complain about guys who don’t write good emails, or they complain when guys say something dumb: “Hey, I think you’re cute, wanna fuck?”

The problem is exacerbated because chicks get a ton of emails despite having shitty profiles, giving them little incentive to change. Guys will email 20 chicks per day based on pictures alone. I’m absolutely guilty of doing this, and to be quite honest, I only read 20-30% of a profile just to get the keywords. Once I have my keywords, I can craft a pretty good email.

So instead of giving a bunch of tips on how to write a quality profile, I’m going to write the quintessential chick profile to give you an idea of what I’ve seen a zillion times.

Headline: Waiting for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet!

I’ve never done the online thing before but here I am so we’ll see how it goes. About me. I’m not your typical girl next door. I love to have a good time, go dancing with my friends, but also stay at home and curl up with a good book and a movie and someone special in my PJ’s while cooking a good meal at home in front of the fire. I enjoy going to the movies, going to the beach, spending time with my friends, outdoorsy stuff, and having fun. I also love to laugh! I believe in having fun and I think laughing is so much fun! My life is measured in smiles, and right now I’m up to a mile of smiles! I also love flowers, holding hands, puppies, and the fun girly things that girls are supposed to love. That doesn’t make me a hopeless romantic, but I do love romance and I’m waiting for my white knight to sweep me off my feet. I don’t really go to bars and clubs any more even though I used to a lot because I finally graduated and now I have a job. I’m down to earth and I have a good head on my shoulders. I love to travel and the color pink!

I used to think I wanted someone to complete me, but now I know I’m complete by myself. I’m not looking for anything serious, friendship at first, but if something serious develops then we’ll see what happens ;) I want someone who is honest, loyal, fun, witty, sincere, trustworthy, and doesn’t want to play games. (If you’re a player, please look elsewhere because I won’t have sex with a guy unless he buys me dinner at least three times.) Honesty is my biggest thing…you only get ONE chance with me so please pay attention.

My match would be a serious guy with ambition, but also tall, ambitious, intelligent, confident, active, really handsome, sexy, humorous, well traveled, successful, and make me laugh. Also must be able to hold a good conversation. I want someone respectful, independent, has a great family because family is important, and who treats me like I’m special. Did I mention that I love to laugh? I do LOL!! Also, please be taller than six feet, I’m not attracted to shorties, and make over 100k, or at least 75k, that would be good too. Thanks guys, drop me a email, I’ll look forward to hearing from you LOL!

I just wrote a 400 word profile and it said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Believe it or not, I lifted parts of every one of those lines from actual profiles. Ladies, if your profile reads like this, you’re not marketing yourself properly. All you’re selling is your pretty face via pictures and we’re ignoring your profile because it’s total bullshit. If the pics are the only thing the guy can focus on, you’re only attracting on a sexual level. And you wonder why guys just wanna fuck and run?

(LOL look we’re doing the shocker!!)

(I’m a classy girl, please don’t try to sleep with me on the first date.)

(Social drinker, maybe one or two.)

(LOL x 3!!!)

All pics are from random Match chicks across the country. If you’re one of these chicks and you hate the fact that I lifted your picture, just email me with the subject line “Hey, Douchebag.” Also, if you’re looking for a date with a guy who’s awesome in the sack and keeps it real, send me an email here.

  • Vale

    I rolled off my chair this was so funny. Great work! I just wanted to send you my personal pet peeve: “I am as comfortable in flip-flops as in a Valentino red dress.” That just irritates the hell out of me. Cheers!

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