Author Archive for Lance Admin

Technique for determing sex worthiness

If you want to get around the early sex problem, I have a great technique that can help. It’s designed to determine if your date is sex worthy and relationship worthy, which is at the heart of why someone wants to have sex on the first date. If you can determine the worthiness of the individual, you can decide whether to have sex or not.

The core of the technique is a conversation about two things:

  1. Her sexual values
  2. Her sexual style

I’ll use me as a example. For VALUES, I want to answer these questions early on:

  • How important is sex to her?
  • What’s her ideal frequency?
  • Is she spontaneous?
  • Is she adventurous?
  • What was her sex life like with her last partner? Was it good or bad? If bad, why?
  • Does she describe the sex she has as hot or wild?
  • Would she cut out of work to have hot sex?
  • Does she want kids, if so, when?
For STYLE, I want this knowledge:
  • Is she vanilla? Into bondage?
  • Any bisexual tendencies? Ever experimented with women?
  • Does she like spanking?
  • Is she orgasmic? How orgasmic? Can she orgasm from penetration? How frequently?
  • Is she girlfriendy / sweetheart?
  • What are her fantasies?
  • Does she masturbate?
  • Does she watch porn?
  • Does she like getting roughed up?
  • Does she have a feminine core?

This sounds like a lot of personal information and at first blush it may seem creepy to ask for stuff like this on the 1-3 dates. But, my game is good enough that I can smoothly initiate conversations about sex and make it completely safe and comfortable. On my first and second dates, my goal is to create a comfortable environment and get us talking about sex and relationships. In fact, ideally, I’d have this conversation before the first date, using either email or chat.

Once we start talking about sex and relationships, I can very easily tell if we’re compatible. I’d argue that this is MORE important than having fun together and whatever activity the date is ostensibly about. Once I know this info, I know if we’re relationship material, fuck buddies, or just friends. From there I can make a clear headed and safe decision about how to proceed.

What’s great about this? You don’t actually have to have sex with the other person unless you both mutually agree that you’re a good fit! It’s amazing…you can skip the awkward test driving part and just communicate about it.

I have a great recent example:

I met a chick through one of my social circles on Facebook. There was mutual attraction, so we both agreed to meet for a first date. Before the date happened, I ran my game and got us into a really fun and comfortable conversation about sex and relationships. The way I started this was with a hypothetical question: “I have a friend who has a weird position on sex. If you’ve had sex in the past and then decide to not have sex until marriage, why would you do that?”

These quasi intellectual questions are great for getting into a down and dirty convo on sex :)

We talked sex for about an hour and I answered pretty much every question above. Importantly, I found out she won’t have sex until marriage, she’s hyper Christian, and she doesn’t masturbate, three things that conflict with me. These were dealbreakers.

Since our sexual values weren’t aligned, I told her right then and there that I couldn’t be her boyfriend, but if she wanted to hang out and have fun occasionally, I’d be down with that (code for fuck buddy). We knew exactly where both of us stood and there was no bullshitting around.

This all happened before the first date and saved a lot of wasted time and stress down the road. Oh yeah, we still went on the first date 😉

This is what real communication is all about. I want to encourage everyone to not shy away from talking about sex and instead get into the down and dirty of it.

My advice for Jeske is to look in social circles where her values are aligned with the values of the single guys. If she’s fishing in bars and clubs, then the values are more aligned towards fast sex. She should also check if she’s looking at the 20-something who party all the time or the 30-something divorced set. There’s a big difference in values there.

I Hit On Five Chicks And Got Two Phone Numbers. On My Birthday.

Peeps, my birthday was the other day. I did a bunch of cool stuff, but the coolest part was when I went to this restaurant with about 20 friends to party. I won’t divulge the name of the restaurant, but I will say this: it’s on International Drive, there is belly dancing, fire breathing, and table dancing. It’s an absolutely terrific place to have a birthday party.


The Relationship Reset Technique

I’ve been doing some experimenting with my relationships recently and one thing I’ve found is that straight up communication isn’t that effective. When I say communication, I mean sitting down and talking face-to-face. Talking is useful and has it’s place, but more is needed.

What I’ve found is that something has to happen in the relationship, basically a process that leads to a confrontation. I call this process a change agent. In a recent relationship, I had a girlfriend that was taking my for granted. I used this technique: I froze her out for a week, withheld contact and affection, and didn’t do anything generous. This caused a confrontation at the end of the week. After the confrontation, we had an exceptionally honest conversation, and after that I saw some real change. It should be noted that I rooted out some fears she had about our relationship, got her to verbalize my behaviors that were bothering her, and we both were able to compromise and implement some changes. It worked out well.

I think women understand this intuitively and use techniques like the above naturally. I call this “chick game.” This is why chicks will give you the cold shoulder or act like bitches, because it’s a process to get you to really consider what is wrong. I used to find this irritating but now I embrace it. I find it more effective to be able to play this game rather than make it go away. It’s a bad idea to rationalize and reason through all of your communications.

BTW, I call the one-week freeze-out technique above my Relationship Reset Technique, because you’re basically resetting the relationship to a balance point.

Surround Yourself With High Character People

This is a simple concept but one I’ve found that is adding a lot of value to my life. In the last year or so I’ve been consciously surrounding myself with men and women that I consider high character. At the same time I’ve been shedding my low character relationships. This is creating more opportunity and bringing a lot more love and value to my life. It’s presenting professional opportunities and options for growth. If you’re not already doing this, I recommend starting on this project now.

One of the sports clubs I belong to is filled with hundreds of high character people. This includes firefighters, law enforcement, ex-military, business owners, family men and women, and people from many walks of life. One pattern that sticks out from this tribe is that almost everyone is high character. Because it’s a sports club and we’re constantly on stage during competition, our character is revealed to each other. This makes it easy to identify. Being absorbed into this group I’ve noticed is improving my life and improving my happiness.

What really turned me onto this concept was when I worked out with an ex-Navy Seal about a year ago. The guy radiated charisma and it was painfully obvious that he was a man of character. Just being around the guy made me rethink my priorities and what it meant to be a solid dude. Since then I’ve been trying to be a better guy and surround myself with high character individuals.


New eBook by Lance and Dr. D

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged but I’m back and I’ve got some cool stuff in the works. One project I’ve been working on hard is my first eBook. I’m proud to say that I’ve finally finished it, The Ultimate Strategy for Men. Co-authored with my good friend and long-time wingman, Dr. D, aka “Doc,” we feel it’s the best guide to using on the market. This manual distills over 16 years of online dating experience into one lean and mean manual. We researched all of the latest features of the platform to develop new tactics and tricks, we reviewed thousands of men’s and women’s profiles, and we interviewed dozens of women to see what works and what doesn’t. And of course we put in hours of trial and error and went on dozens of dates.

Doc and I have both done online dated extensively and we finally got together this year to map out a system that works. This eBook is packed with best practices, tips, and tactics for helping you get the most out of dating.


Blueprint for a Man’s Life

I dug Penelope Trunk’s post, Blueprint for a Woman’s Life. She brought it strong and as usual her stuff was controversial, which I like. I didn’t agree with all of her points–most actually–but it’s worth checking out. I decided to write my own blueprint for guys. I’ve been blogging about relationships/sex/dating on Honey and Lance for 3.5 years (!!!) and I can recommend how a man’s life should go, at least through his mid-30’s. I’d love to see other male and female bloggers write into action him up similar posts and give their perspectives.

Step 1 – Embrace Your Inner Warrior

I’m going to interchange the term warrior and athlete here. We’re all born athletes and have the capacity for strength and endurance. It’s ridiculous to live a life without honoring your physical self and maximizing your body. Men especially are born warriors and need to act like it. Get your asses in the gym and get strong. Benefits: Looking great, health, longer life, great sex.

This the first thing a man should embrace.

“No citizen has a right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training…what a disgrace it is for a man to grow old without ever seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.” – Socrates