Archive for January, 2008

Dirty Professor and Authority Game

The Dirty Professor

I’ve got this friend—we’ll call him Waldo—who is an instructor at a local college. Waldo’s single, fun to hang out with, smart, average looks, has decent game although he’s all natural. He’s basically an average joe. His game consists mainly of dating his former students and he’s dated 2-3 students per year since I’ve known him. He’s had sex with several of them, and even been in a relationship with one girl for a year.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=b5t5GukrWOU[/youtube]

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Holding Out For 1…

Lance, I have to wonder what the definition of “girlfriend” becomes when you have five of them. Are you celebrating anniversaries and taking them out to five Valentine’s Dinners? I’ve definitely dated multiple people at the same time, but I wouldn’t have called any of them my boyfriends. I have to say at this point, I’m more of the mindset that one is enough for me. You say that there are so many flavors of hottie out there it’s hard to restrict yourself to one…perhaps I’m pickier, but I feel more like it’s hard enough to find one person who doesn’t annoy the crap out of me. The idea of finding five sounds like winning Powerball five weeks in a row. Of course, before I was in my current LTR, this meant that I was more likely to get totally into one person for a while and then never want to see them again. To make my own food analogy, when I was in high school I ate toaster pastries every morning for breakfast for 6 months and then one morning put them in…smelled that sugary filling heating up…and wanted to barf. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten one again.

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5 Girlfriends At Once

Today I want to talk about having multiple girlfriends. That’s right, when I say gf’s I mean apostrophe s. Even you have a hot girlfriend and you’re perfectly happy with that situation, more power to you. But, if you want to be a player and you’d like to “date” several different women at once, this post is for you.

Back in caveman times all alpha pimp cavemen had harems of cavewomen hotties, serving them grapes and servicing their needs, and it was totally cool. It’s wired into our DNA. It’s only because of Puritans and shows like the Wonder Years that we get stuck dating one chick, often times a non-hottie, and eventually getting married and getting fat. Aaagggggh! Sorry, my nutsack just had a spasm. Men are hardwired to have multiple partners and you can see evidence of this in the male of virtually any species on the planet. This is why, even if you’ve got a gf and you’re getting laid constantly, you still have the urge to have sex with other women. It’s an issue of variety.

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New Year Resolutions? Seriously?

This is the first time I’ve ever actually written down my new years resolutions, which must mean I’m getting my shit together. I highly recommend doing this because it will force you to set goals and more importantly to analyze the process of reaching those goals. Basically, it turns into a personal action plan. The best way to do this is open a Word file and start typing. Save the file, refer to it every week or so, revise and update. By the end of the year, you should have a nice log that tracked your progress. If you have a blog or personal website, post your goals on it and let your readers know what you’re trying to accomplishment. These people will encourage you and give you a ton of motivation. They may also harass you endlessly if you put some ridiculous goals on there like I did.

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New Years for Two

It’s funny that you mention New Year’s Resolutions, because if you are in a couple then you are making resolutions not only to improve yourself, but also your relationship. When I originally suggested this, the BF said that every day is a chance to remake yourself and be the person you want to be, and that it was stupid to use something like New Year’s as an artificial starting point. Funny, he was right there with me at LA Fitness where we now have a co-membership. More on monogamous relationships and weight gain in the near future.

My independent resolution was to try and wear my contact lenses more often because my BF likes it. I have a tendency to wear my glasses because a) they are fabulous Versace frames, b) once you have sunk $400 between frames and lenses you’re determined to get your money’s worth, and c) because when I was in high school/college I wore the same pair of contacts for four years (not the same prescription, mind you, the same pair) and got a horrible protein infection. Ever since, my contacts give me the heebies after 4 or 5 hours so I tend not to wear them as much. So for those of you contact lens wearers out there, practice proper lens care. Nothing says sexy like not having a backup pair of glasses except for your ugly, out-of-prescription glasses that your mom told you were “tasteful” in middle school.

Here are some additional resolutions:

  • Keep plugging away at school and graduate in May. Jesus God, I’ve been in school forever. The time has come to enter the “real world.”
  • Put some freakin’ money in the savings account so you can pay for things occasionally. The BF has student loan payments, too.
  • Get a kickass day job in the same city as the BF. This driving 300 miles/week is getting old (more to come on distance relationships).
  • Go to the gym 4 days per week (Lance is deluding himself) and get down to pre-grad-school weight. The true goal here is to lose at least 5 lbs. by February and at that point hire a personal trainer (an expense I’ll be sharing with the BF). I want to have the stomach of a supermodel by the summer and reward myself with a new bikini and a Caribbean cruise after I graduate.
  • Hey Lance, there’s an awesome World Famous Mud Run at Camp Pendleton, the Marine Corp. base in Oceanside/San Diego. I did it two years ago, had a blast, and am checking my calendar to see if I’m able to do it again this year.
  • Fucking learn how to quit when I’m ahead when gambling. I was up over $600 at one point at the casino the other day and ended up down $130. Motherfucker.

What do you want to learn/do this year? When I was younger I made 10 resolutions and counted myself successful if I achieved 3. Now I try to only set goals that I’m motivated enough to work for, New Year’s or not.

I’m a lover, not an assclown

Hey everyone! Honey here. Lance is a douchebag! Got it? Though I’m sure you figured that out without any help from me. We have known each other a long time and have been e-mailing each other about relationships, sex, and the like for years. When Lance decided to start blogging about it, obviously I had to get involved because someone has to keep the record straight, and Honeyandlance.com was born. And since I’m the one getting laid on a regular basis here, you might be better off directing any questions about the sexy my way.

I love surfing the internet, television (I watch almost everything), politics, beer (God, I love beer), and my absolute stud of a boyfriend, who I’ve been dating for almost two years. Before I met him, though, I was on one of the big dating websites for about 4 years (at the recommendation of Lance, as I recall). Since my average interaction on those sites was 3 dates or less, and I was typically e-mailing or dating at least 3 people at once, I’m not totally stuck in the 1950’s. However, I’m a firm believer that the best, most adventurous sex happens when you’re with someone you know and love. Remind me to tell you about our trip to Amsterdam sometime!

Anyway, after many years of dating the wrong people before finally finding someone that works for me, I’m basically here to share my wealth of knowledge on all of the things that you’re probably doing wrong. I know it sounds harsh. I also know that it’s almost certainly true. And don’t (as Lance did) confuse magniloquence with accuracy. I study rhetoric in school–and rhetoric, of course, is a fancy way of saying “the means of persuasion.” Basically this means that I’ve got more than enough theory (rhetoric got its start in ancient Greece–dig this Wikipedia article) to tell you when Lance is full of crap. And as far as my own experience, I can not only tell you what works in a relationship (or a pickup situation), but also give you some idea why. Sadly for all of you who couldn’t wait to be done with school, there’s a huge intellectual component to dating and relationships. You can’t do it all by instinct…not even the parts that come instinctively (wink). However, acing this subject has somewhat more tangible reward, so get motivated!

Anyway, if you can get past his personality, Lance is a pretty awesome guy. And while some of the stuff he says ties my Tubes without anesthesia, he often has a point. Okay, I’m signing off before I barf.