10 Signs You Might Be A Complete Douchebag

I go out a lot and I see a lot of guys I would term douchebags. What is a douchebag? A douchebag is sort of like a wannabe pimp, but with no game, a lousy personality, and a scuzzy/skeezy vibe. A poser, if you will, but a highly evolved version. I’ve put together this little list of fun-ness that will help you a) avoid douchebags if you’re out and about, and b) avoid becoming a douchebag if that’s the path you’re on. Douchebags. Avoid like the superflu.

1. Treating your girlfriend like shit and blaming it on her. True sign of an uber-douche. Dude, if you don’t like your girlfriend, or you’re not attracted to her, ditch her and spare her the grief of your doucheness. And then go read some personal development books and stop being a douche.

2. Bragging about the crazy poonani you’re getting in order to impress friends when in actuality you’ve haven’t gotten laid in a year. Obvious. If you’re a pimp, more power to you, but don’t brag, and if you’re not a pimp but you pretend to be one, go behind the shed and flagellate yourself with a wet Affliction t-shirt.

3. Pretending to be an artful, soul weary, deep thinking, cool dude when in actuality the foundation of your life experience is the gay shit you did in high school, which amounts to jack squat, and you think your poop smells like roses; corollary to this is not trying to accumulate better life experiences after recognizing the fact that you’re a douche. Actually, that last bit doesn’t make you a douche, but it does make you a lazy fatass.

4. Acting and dressing like a rock star when, in fact, you are a total and utter douchebag and everybody knows it. Your personal style had better be congruent with your personality or else you’re walking around with a sign that says, “Look, I’m a douche!”



5. You’re picture has shown up on this website.

6. You spritz yourself liberally with Axe Body Spray before dates. And you’re 30. And you think it’s cool. Gross. Contrary to some creative marketing, there is no Axe Effect and a stinky spray-on deodorant won’t get you laid. Go buy some Cool Water or something, you dumb bastard.


7. You talk incessantly about your high paying job and phat ride when in actuality you are an office monkey with no inner life and no adventurousness and you’re using your material possessions and professional status to mask your glaring, mega-douche deficiencies. Douchey. Very douchey.

8. You bag on gay people and you’ve never met a queer or dyke in your entire life. Corollary is hating on blacks and any other race even though you’ve never had direct relationships with people of any of race, ethnicity, or persuasion other than your own. That means you, you whitebread myopic dickweed.

9. You’re in a LTR or married and you hit on all your female co-workers and friend’s girlfriends and you have absolute shite for game. One fast way to get labeled a douche.

10. Ditching your guy friends to go hang out with a chick that you have no shot with. Who among us hasn’t committed this cardinal sin? Anyone? Yeah, I’ve done it too. Your guy friends are the bedrock of your life. Do not, under any circumstances, ditch sports night with the dudes so you can throw yourself at the hottie you’ve been trying to get with for the last six months. If you haven’t hooked up with her yet, it ain’t happening. This is such a big douche move that I’m going to go one step further and say don’t ditch your guy friends to hook up with a chick you DO have a chance with. Bro’s before ho’s, dude. If she wants your jock, she’ll wait till the next open date on your calendar.

Any more douchey moves you want to add to the list? Leave in comments section.

  • http://google.com/zsxdg sandrar

    Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. :) Cheers! Sandra. R.

  • nfsdiablogtr

    this list is, no doubt, the best decriptions of douchebags i have ever seen. maybe adding “taking pictures of youself and posting it on facebook” or “updating your status on facebook talking about how much you worked out at the gym” or “pictures of you working out at the gym with your affliction/ed hardy shirt with maybe a hat on” hahaha. just some suggestions; other than that excellent list!

  • http://www.zimbio.com nfsdiablogtr

    This list is, no doubt, the best decriptions of douchebags i have ever seen. maybe adding “taking pictures of youself and posting it on facebook” or “updating your status on facebook talking about how much you worked out at the gym” or “pictures of you working out at the gym with your affliction/ed hardy shirt with maybe a hat on” hahaha. Or taking pictures of your ghetto as tattoo and saying that it means so much to you when in reality you just got it to get some poonani. just some suggestions; other than that excellent list!

  • Mike

    Good points, however, If I have to make the descision on whether to hang out with my guy friends or a hot chick, I am going to hang out with the hot chick….the guy friends can wait..

  • metalman

    You forgot a person going to subway ordering a sub with italian dressing. then taking two bites out of it then telling the working there’s to much italian dressing. on it and throw it away and make the person a new one. why there’s people starving in the world. or knowing your credit card is going to be denied. but ordering over $20 in food anyways !

  • StoneRose7

    So if it takes one to know one, then all this must mean that you are the archetypical douchebag.

  • StoneRose7

    Well if the old addage that “it takes one to know one” holds true, this article would mean that you, Lance, are an uber douche.

  • dan

    you forgot some of the douchiest of douches…abercrombie and fitch “bikers” people who think they know karate but don’t, people who trick out their dodge neons,white people with dreadlocks or corn rows,anyone with flame tattoos, guys who hit on or whistle at girls while they’re with their boyfriends,people who scream at the tv and break shit when their football team is losing, anyone who suddenly became a redneck after watching blue collar comedy tour,volunteer firemen who wear their scanners everywhere,and people who buy previously expensive vehicles with 200,000 miles dirt cheap so people will think they have money.

  • Nic

    Don’t forget to add 40-50 somethings in Afflication t-shirts driving H2’s.

  • Pauline

    LMAO. My friend will be so mad right now, if she had read any of these.

  • thisbloggerisafaggot

    While I like the idea behind the article, you seem like exactly the douche-nozzle you purport to hate.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    I’ve never been called a douche-nozzle before. Cool!

  • Henrik

    Hi guys,

    I have a certain issue with a guy I know, I don’t how to treat him anymore, he’s such a feckin douchebag, what to do?



  • just4show

    Bros before hoes? Come on man. No matter how true, you just said douche-bag motto number one.

  • Josh

    This is a pretty crappy list for 3 reasons.
    1)You argue that a “douche” is someone who hates gay people or black people when they haven’t had any interaction with people of a different race. Is this implying that it’s ok to hate black people as long as you know a couple?
    2)You argue that a “douche” is someone who hates gay people, and then you use the word “gay” as a synonym for stupid.
    3)You argue that a douche is someone who acts like a rock-star, even though they are a douche. Well, obviously. If they are a douche, then they are by definition a douche. I could just as easily say that a douche is someone who dresses like a drunken astronaut with three legs, when in reality they are a douche. It contributes nothing.

  • benr7sj

    wow someone seems to be an awfully bitter douchasaurus rex

  • Bob Johnson

    Douchebag is actually a self-referential insult. The only people who call other people douchebag are, in fact, douchebags themselves. The worst, of course, is the truncated ‘douche,’ spoken so eloquently by the most douchebag fratboys you’ll ever meet…


  • Bob Johnson

    If you call someone else a douchebag, chances are, you’re actually a douchebag yourself.





    we must bring back the social stigma for the word BASTARD .
    woman having childred with out husbands need to be ridiculed and the children must be osterzised .. only after the re-enactment of BASTARD in the daily lalguage will these carzy girls calm down..

  • pluh

    no offense but no. 10 is you trying to convince yourself your not a douchbag.

  • Douchebaggery

    I agree with most of these.

    Bringing a lap-top to Starbucks/any interior decorated coffee house to be seen.

    Getting ‘frosted’ hair.

    Tensing in the gym, similar to a previous comment.

    Pouting/tensing in pictures but not being ironic.

    Wearing your cap to the side/back. This one’s in the bro code. ‘It’s reserved for rappers and the disabled.’

  • Heather

    Oh God, cosign on this one. I direct movies, and am female, and this male actor did this one. He one day decided he wanted to bag me, so between every take he circled around me taking off his shirt to show off the bod he thinks he has, and doing squats, punches and reps, shadowboxing himself against the walls of the set.

    Of course after the shoot he took me literally aside to inform me casually he does his own stunts, runs and jogs constantly, feels no pain and is basically superhuman.

    This could just be par for the course, but:

    I am also a woman of color, and one evening on a business meeting he took the trouble of specifically pointing out different women of color and telling me how hot he considers them. Then Gazing at me, capital G. And telling me details about his last intense relationship with another woman of color.

    Um, presumption I’m even interested, much? I’m glad I’m 42, because at 25 I might have fallen for this. Many years and douchebags later, I’m immune to this crap. So instead I brutally ignored him until he drifted away, and avoided a…


    (Postscript: a few weeks later, spurned, he phoned to inform me he’d gotten a regular recurring role on an HBO series. And named all the stars he thinks he’ll get to meet personally on that set. Then said, “Gotta go. My agent is calling.” Translation: look what a good man you lost, you arrogant b—h.)

    What he doesn’t know is I was working in Hollywood before he was born (he’s early 20s and I worked on films in my teens in the 1980s), I know how the business works, and he’s not meeting any of those people. “Regular recurring” means bupkis. When the show wraps, so does he; and I have a long memory for never again hiring douchebags…

    Thanks for this great post, Lance, from a woman surrounded by douches in Hollywood.

  • http://forum.footmaster.ru/profile.php?mode=viewprofile&u=18549 Nasim Lucas

    Do you people have a facebook fan page for 10 Signs You Might Be A Complete Douchebag: Honey and Lance | Dating, Relationships, Pickup, Sex, Life? I looked for one on the internet but could not come across it, I’d really like to become your follower!

  • Phoebeliz

    Goddamn it! I’m dating a douche…