10 Signs You Might Be A Complete Douchebag

I go out a lot and I see a lot of guys I would term douchebags. What is a douchebag? A douchebag is sort of like a wannabe pimp, but with no game, a lousy personality, and a scuzzy/skeezy vibe. A poser, if you will, but a highly evolved version. I’ve put together this little list of fun-ness that will help you a) avoid douchebags if you’re out and about, and b) avoid becoming a douchebag if that’s the path you’re on. Douchebags. Avoid like the superflu.

1. Treating your girlfriend like shit and blaming it on her. True sign of an uber-douche. Dude, if you don’t like your girlfriend, or you’re not attracted to her, ditch her and spare her the grief of your doucheness. And then go read some personal development books and stop being a douche.

2. Bragging about the crazy poonani you’re getting in order to impress friends when in actuality you’ve haven’t gotten laid in a year. Obvious. If you’re a pimp, more power to you, but don’t brag, and if you’re not a pimp but you pretend to be one, go behind the shed and flagellate yourself with a wet Affliction t-shirt.

3. Pretending to be an artful, soul weary, deep thinking, cool dude when in actuality the foundation of your life experience is the gay shit you did in high school, which amounts to jack squat, and you think your poop smells like roses; corollary to this is not trying to accumulate better life experiences after recognizing the fact that you’re a douche. Actually, that last bit doesn’t make you a douche, but it does make you a lazy fatass.

4. Acting and dressing like a rock star when, in fact, you are a total and utter douchebag and everybody knows it. Your personal style had better be congruent with your personality or else you’re walking around with a sign that says, “Look, I’m a douche!”

douche3_sm.jpg

(Yyyyyyooooooooooooo!)

5. You’re picture has shown up on this website.

6. You spritz yourself liberally with Axe Body Spray before dates. And you’re 30. And you think it’s cool. Gross. Contrary to some creative marketing, there is no Axe Effect and a stinky spray-on deodorant won’t get you laid. Go buy some Cool Water or something, you dumb bastard.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=fT6IWAIf580[/youtube]

7. You talk incessantly about your high paying job and phat ride when in actuality you are an office monkey with no inner life and no adventurousness and you’re using your material possessions and professional status to mask your glaring, mega-douche deficiencies. Douchey. Very douchey.

8. You bag on gay people and you’ve never met a queer or dyke in your entire life. Corollary is hating on blacks and any other race even though you’ve never had direct relationships with people of any of race, ethnicity, or persuasion other than your own. That means you, you whitebread myopic dickweed.

9. You’re in a LTR or married and you hit on all your female co-workers and friend’s girlfriends and you have absolute shite for game. One fast way to get labeled a douche.

10. Ditching your guy friends to go hang out with a chick that you have no shot with. Who among us hasn’t committed this cardinal sin? Anyone? Yeah, I’ve done it too. Your guy friends are the bedrock of your life. Do not, under any circumstances, ditch sports night with the dudes so you can throw yourself at the hottie you’ve been trying to get with for the last six months. If you haven’t hooked up with her yet, it ain’t happening. This is such a big douche move that I’m going to go one step further and say don’t ditch your guy friends to hook up with a chick you DO have a chance with. Bro’s before ho’s, dude. If she wants your jock, she’ll wait till the next open date on your calendar.

Any more douchey moves you want to add to the list? Leave in comments section.

  • JT

    Nice, I like #1, cause I have some friends that are dating a girl just cause she’s easy and they’re afraid to move on, even tho they know they don’t love the person. And they talk trash behind their backs. Those guys are the worst pathetic pieces of shit.

  • Lilly

    LOVE IT!! I believe we were discussing this earlier.

  • http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk NML

    I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard at a blog post in ages. You are refreshingly honest! Your first one is by the far the most prevalent and is the act of cowardly men the world over. I haven’t used the word ‘douchebag’ in ages but it may start entering my vocab again!

    NML’s last blog post..The Justifying Zone: when a woman needs to justify her emotional or sexual investment

  • http://cheekiebacktalk.blogspot.com cheekie

    1, 2 & 3 are bloody daily occurrences!
    See it all the time, and for some reason I think I have a douchebag magnet in my purse, or a sign on my back cause I swear, I meet these knobs all the time!!!!
    are you following me? lol

    hilarious!

  • http://www.edumckaytion.com/blog Scot McKay

    Great post.

    The working def for “douchebag” around these parts is: “He who thinks he’s cool, but isn’t.”

    This is typically exacerbated by a peculiar tendency to pretty much feel the need to remind everyone how cool he is, because they obviously will never figure that out on their own.

    So in other words, you basically nailed it. LOL

    Be Good,

    Scot McKay
    X & Y Communications

  • http://theseductionbible.com Mike Stoute

    Dude, this is a great post. Although I do use Axe sometimes lol

    I hate guys for pulling No. 10

    Stoute Out!

    Mike Stoute’s last blog post..Drake’s Tech Tips – Shoes Off

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Stoute, thanks for reading. You’re a douche! Just kidding. BTW, I love TSB. Love it.

  • http://theseductionbible.com Mike Stoute

    I am digging your writing too. There are a lot of people blogging in this niche, but not too many with class ;)

    Mike Stoute’s last blog post..Drake’s Tech Tips – Shoes Off

  • http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com Hot Alpha Female

    Dammit cool water really does smell niiice lol

    Great post lance, I’m wondering how do you know the characteristics of a douchebag so well? *winks*

    HAF

    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..Why YOU Are Getting Too Far Ahead Of Yourself To Score A Date!

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  • http://www.vcarded.com The Virgin

    Oh god, number 10 rings true. I’m going to modify that a little and still say you’re a douchebag even if you’re in a relationship with her and you keep ditching your friends and/or having to check in with her. GROW. SOME. BALLS.

    The Virgin’s last blog post..Dr. Phil ?Women Beware? thoughts

  • Pauly

    Alright, I got one for the list.

    11. Shadow Boxing and other random douche bag acts/antics in the gym. We get it. You are in shape, you box, or surf, or do something else that requires you to take off your shirt (A douche bag lives to take of his shirt, he needs to take off his shirt, it is like a drug for them to see their own abs). But please, don’t shadow box, lift up your shirt and show the gym your abs, bring your cell phone into the gym and TALK ON IT WHILE LIFTING, wear anything from Armani exchange, or take a shower in any type of cologne before you workout, all of these acts aren’t necessary, and just make me want to kill you even more. If you do any of the following while in the gym, please follow the steps below:
    1. KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF!
    2. KILL YOURSELF
    3. If step 2 was not successful, please repeat until fulfilled.

  • T

    12. Carrying a fake fucking Louis Vuitton bag when you “jet set” to New York, Las Vegas, or any other Douche Bag Hot Spot with your dime-piece bitches (whose real names you will never reveal because we all know they are MAYBE 5’s). We all know you bought those aviators at American Eagle, and that your gorgeous “duffel” is a knock off from your last trip to Canal Street. If any of you see a gel-head douche bag that fits the description above, kindly slap the $6.00 Starbucks out of Senor Shadowboxer’s hands all over his fucking bag and instruct him to follow the steps listed above. The same goes for trying to rock a watch you got at the flea market and pass it off for a Vebenna or Toy Watch. Grow the fuck up.

    13. Counting your money in public. Don’t even follow step one. I hope you get robbed and shot so someone else can kill you. It’s the ultimate act of shallow douche baggery.

  • Anti-DoucheScrote

    I love it! Being from Portland, OR and living in LA for a few months made me realize and open my eyes to these tools! There is one at my work right now. Everyone, grab your pitchforks and sharp sticks!! Hahahaha.

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Anti-Scrote: I’m glad you liked the post and thanks for visiting!

  • Emily

    Another sign of a douche is a guy who treats you like shit so you will break up with him, because he’s too much of a lowlife coward to do it himself. Or, the second version of this douche is the guy who suddenly ignores you like you were never there, then tell his friends you are stalking him when you are only trying to find out what the heck happened. Douche men have no balls. Real men don’t treat women like crap!

  • http://www.angeleyesdevilsmile.com Brad

    Agreed… like… a lot

    Brad´s last blog post…People SUCK

  • courtney

    excellent summary of a douche…any douche who reads this and IS a douche will know it.

  • Poonlickr

    Your gay

  • MJ

    Your use of the word “gay” as a derogatory sentiment in point #3 doesn’t mesh with point #8. Consider using a different word.

  • David

    If you wear a speedo and you are not in a swimming competition, you might be a douche.

    If you wear a friction reducing running suit and you are not in, or training for, the
    Olympics, you might be a douche.

    If you wear T-shirts that are way too small to show off your muscles, you might be a douche.

    If you attempt dance moves that require large body movements and lots of space on a crowded dance floor, you might be a douche.

    If you talk about your tatoos, piercings, or clothing lables and prices, even though nobody asked you about them, you might be a douche.

    If you say things like “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed in the morning.”, you might be a douche.

    If you are talking to another guy and you go into great detail about what you would like to do to a woman if she had sex with you, you are a creepy SOB, and, yes, you are a douche.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Awesome! Thanks for weighing in David! I may be guilty of at least 3 of these…

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    This is really funny. Sadly, I’ve had some buddies who engaged in douche behavior 9 way too much. Worse is when they ask me not to tell their girlfriend or wife what a douche they are. Worse yet is when they hit on my girlfriend, then try to convince me they really aren’t a douche. Does that make them a super douche? (It made them an ex-friend!)

    dadshouse´s last blog post…Sweet Pick Up Lines for Any Occasion

  • Clean Vagina

    Symptoms of Douche Baggery:

    Lot’s of gell in hair.
    Using Snoop language (izzle, etc)
    overly concerned with appearences
    loud when drunk
    able to stand being around other douche bags
    being a rapist

    ps Recent Study Found 90% of American males between 15 and 35 years of age to be douches!
    So that’s what that smell is!

  • DoucheBox

    If you write “You’re” when you should have written “Your”

    YOU MIGHT BE A DOUCHE BAGGG!