I go out a lot and I see a lot of guys I would term douchebags. What is a douchebag? A douchebag is sort of like a wannabe pimp, but with no game, a lousy personality, and a scuzzy/skeezy vibe. A poser, if you will, but a highly evolved version. I’ve put together this little list of fun-ness that will help you a) avoid douchebags if you’re out and about, and b) avoid becoming a douchebag if that’s the path you’re on. Douchebags. Avoid like the superflu.
1. Treating your girlfriend like shit and blaming it on her. True sign of an uber-douche. Dude, if you don’t like your girlfriend, or you’re not attracted to her, ditch her and spare her the grief of your doucheness. And then go read some personal development books and stop being a douche.
2. Bragging about the crazy poonani you’re getting in order to impress friends when in actuality you’ve haven’t gotten laid in a year. Obvious. If you’re a pimp, more power to you, but don’t brag, and if you’re not a pimp but you pretend to be one, go behind the shed and flagellate yourself with a wet Affliction t-shirt.
3. Pretending to be an artful, soul weary, deep thinking, cool dude when in actuality the foundation of your life experience is the gay shit you did in high school, which amounts to jack squat, and you think your poop smells like roses; corollary to this is not trying to accumulate better life experiences after recognizing the fact that you’re a douche. Actually, that last bit doesn’t make you a douche, but it does make you a lazy fatass.
4. Acting and dressing like a rock star when, in fact, you are a total and utter douchebag and everybody knows it. Your personal style had better be congruent with your personality or else you’re walking around with a sign that says, “Look, I’m a douche!”
5. You’re picture has shown up on this website.
6. You spritz yourself liberally with Axe Body Spray before dates. And you’re 30. And you think it’s cool. Gross. Contrary to some creative marketing, there is no Axe Effect and a stinky spray-on deodorant won’t get you laid. Go buy some Cool Water or something, you dumb bastard.
7. You talk incessantly about your high paying job and phat ride when in actuality you are an office monkey with no inner life and no adventurousness and you’re using your material possessions and professional status to mask your glaring, mega-douche deficiencies. Douchey. Very douchey.
8. You bag on gay people and you’ve never met a queer or dyke in your entire life. Corollary is hating on blacks and any other race even though you’ve never had direct relationships with people of any of race, ethnicity, or persuasion other than your own. That means you, you whitebread myopic dickweed.
9. You’re in a LTR or married and you hit on all your female co-workers and friend’s girlfriends and you have absolute shite for game. One fast way to get labeled a douche.
10. Ditching your guy friends to go hang out with a chick that you have no shot with. Who among us hasn’t committed this cardinal sin? Anyone? Yeah, I’ve done it too. Your guy friends are the bedrock of your life. Do not, under any circumstances, ditch sports night with the dudes so you can throw yourself at the hottie you’ve been trying to get with for the last six months. If you haven’t hooked up with her yet, it ain’t happening. This is such a big douche move that I’m going to go one step further and say don’t ditch your guy friends to hook up with a chick you DO have a chance with. Bro’s before ho’s, dude. If she wants your jock, she’ll wait till the next open date on your calendar.
Any more douchey moves you want to add to the list? Leave in comments section.