10 Signs You Might Be A Complete Douchebag

I go out a lot and I see a lot of guys I would term douchebags. What is a douchebag? A douchebag is sort of like a wannabe pimp, but with no game, a lousy personality, and a scuzzy/skeezy vibe. A poser, if you will, but a highly evolved version. I’ve put together this little list of fun-ness that will help you a) avoid douchebags if you’re out and about, and b) avoid becoming a douchebag if that’s the path you’re on. Douchebags. Avoid like the superflu.

1. Treating your girlfriend like shit and blaming it on her. True sign of an uber-douche. Dude, if you don’t like your girlfriend, or you’re not attracted to her, ditch her and spare her the grief of your doucheness. And then go read some personal development books and stop being a douche.

2. Bragging about the crazy poonani you’re getting in order to impress friends when in actuality you’ve haven’t gotten laid in a year. Obvious. If you’re a pimp, more power to you, but don’t brag, and if you’re not a pimp but you pretend to be one, go behind the shed and flagellate yourself with a wet Affliction t-shirt.

3. Pretending to be an artful, soul weary, deep thinking, cool dude when in actuality the foundation of your life experience is the gay shit you did in high school, which amounts to jack squat, and you think your poop smells like roses; corollary to this is not trying to accumulate better life experiences after recognizing the fact that you’re a douche. Actually, that last bit doesn’t make you a douche, but it does make you a lazy fatass.

4. Acting and dressing like a rock star when, in fact, you are a total and utter douchebag and everybody knows it. Your personal style had better be congruent with your personality or else you’re walking around with a sign that says, “Look, I’m a douche!”



5. You’re picture has shown up on this website.

6. You spritz yourself liberally with Axe Body Spray before dates. And you’re 30. And you think it’s cool. Gross. Contrary to some creative marketing, there is no Axe Effect and a stinky spray-on deodorant won’t get you laid. Go buy some Cool Water or something, you dumb bastard.


7. You talk incessantly about your high paying job and phat ride when in actuality you are an office monkey with no inner life and no adventurousness and you’re using your material possessions and professional status to mask your glaring, mega-douche deficiencies. Douchey. Very douchey.

8. You bag on gay people and you’ve never met a queer or dyke in your entire life. Corollary is hating on blacks and any other race even though you’ve never had direct relationships with people of any of race, ethnicity, or persuasion other than your own. That means you, you whitebread myopic dickweed.

9. You’re in a LTR or married and you hit on all your female co-workers and friend’s girlfriends and you have absolute shite for game. One fast way to get labeled a douche.

10. Ditching your guy friends to go hang out with a chick that you have no shot with. Who among us hasn’t committed this cardinal sin? Anyone? Yeah, I’ve done it too. Your guy friends are the bedrock of your life. Do not, under any circumstances, ditch sports night with the dudes so you can throw yourself at the hottie you’ve been trying to get with for the last six months. If you haven’t hooked up with her yet, it ain’t happening. This is such a big douche move that I’m going to go one step further and say don’t ditch your guy friends to hook up with a chick you DO have a chance with. Bro’s before ho’s, dude. If she wants your jock, she’ll wait till the next open date on your calendar.

Any more douchey moves you want to add to the list? Leave in comments section.

  • anti douchebag

    Waiting for people to come near you or even acknowledge you just so you can attack them with intense brooded bullshit and then having the nerve to get even more aggro when they ask you why you are being such a douche…yeah, douchey.

  • anti douchebag

    Ending up at this site due to your compulsive google searches and or failure to end up at a better site when using the search term ‘douche’ . You are all douchebags for even using the word douche instead of something more personal and definitive of the person targeted as a douche.

  • Kadesh Hendricksen

    Take #10 off the list and say “ditch the dudes and spend some time with your woman… you know, the one who is there for you when the bros only fuck up your life and flake” and you might be on to something.

  • Sam

    So I’m assuming you could only think of “9-signs…” and you just had to round it up to 10 so you threw in #10. Well, if anything, that’s one dick move everyone has pulled, so I guess its good of you to put us all in touch with your inner douchebag.

    On a side note however, what sorta mates are those that stand between a bro and a hot ho? I’d practically kick a bro out the tavern if he had a date (no matter how outta his league) and he nevertheless insisting on hanging out with the boys. So would any of my mates. However, we do draw the line somewhere: if the bloke has gone out with the dame before and not gotten far, we wouldn’t let him ditch us again for the same frigid cow. There would be lot of cussing and kicking involved.

  • Jay

    Well… if you only have “friends” who fuck up your life take a good look around and get a whiff. I think that smell would be vinegar…

    I will agree that you shouldn’t blow off a friend for a chick you like, but if they are your friends they will understand. (You know as long as you don’t ditch them anytime you see a hot chick that is)

  • sewsew

    i swear to god i am dating a guy for a long time that encompasses all of these traites and so does his son !! WTF ITS RTHE WHOLE

  • hollaback

    LOL at number 10. I have a friend right now that thinks his girlfriend of 1 month is “the one” and inclines to hang out with her every minute of his life.

  • Justin

    Ok i know a few douche bags, but seriously, just because a guy is fit and does sports doesn’t mean he is a douche bag, i have a friend who is clearly way more fit than me and he is a jock, but he is nice and he is almost like a big brother to me. and appearantly im a douche bag because i use axe, i only use it cuz it smells good to me, idk why but it just does. i dont think im cool or anything but i was called a douche bag today when someone got mad at me for being all chearfull, she said “stop being a douche bag, youre not cool so stop thinking you are” so i guess im not aloud to act or be happy :(, also i dont hate on gays, i just dont agree with being gay, sure if you are gay i respect that and i wont hold you against it. i just personally think i shouldnt be gay. does that make me a douche bag? having my own opinion? ;_; god, everyone hates me so

  • Marshall

    Some of the things written here and how they aee written seem to indicate the author is a douchebag, specifically 3 & 10.

  • Mike

    well, i’m a douche.

  • Ter

    You might be a douche if you refer to social skills with the opposite sex as “game”, or you call a woman a ho. For any reason.

  • Kevn92

    Axe Body Spray ??? Does using it make me a complete douche bag ??

  • ignaramous

    Hoes before bros. The art of being a douchebag allows you to pick up big titted bimbos :) hahahaaa fuck u all I’m awesome and get laid 3 times a day hahahaaaaaaaa

  • No Douche

    You don’t ditch your bro if you are currently serving in wing-man status otherwise if you see an interesting girl go talk to her. The exception is that if this is your regular behavior you are a douche’.

    I would add anybody who gets those stupid meaningless tribal armband tattoos. The facial piercings are moving rapidly up the last. At least you can easily remove a douche’ piercing. If you get one of those lame tribal tattoos you deserve the pain of having it removed douche bag!