Jax
kiera
Honey
Lance
Michael10 Signs You Might Be A Complete Douchebag
By Lance on Feb 26, 2008 in Featured, Life
I go out a lot and I see a lot of guys I would term douchebags. What is a douchebag? A douchebag is sort of like a wannabe pimp, but with no game, a lousy personality, and a scuzzy/skeezy vibe. A poser, if you will, but a highly evolved version. I’ve put together this little list of fun-ness that will help you a) avoid douchebags if you’re out and about, and b) avoid becoming a douchebag if that’s the path you’re on. Douchebags. Avoid like the superflu.
1. Treating your girlfriend like shit and blaming it on her. True sign of an uber-douche. Dude, if you don’t like your girlfriend, or you’re not attracted to her, ditch her and spare her the grief of your doucheness. And then go read some personal development books and stop being a douche.
2. Bragging about the crazy poonani you’re getting in order to impress friends when in actuality you’ve haven’t gotten laid in a year. Obvious. If you’re a pimp, more power to you, but don’t brag, and if you’re not a pimp but you pretend to be one, go behind the shed and flagellate yourself with a wet Affliction t-shirt.
3. Pretending to be an artful, soul weary, deep thinking, cool dude when in actuality the foundation of your life experience is the gay shit you did in high school, which amounts to jack squat, and you think your poop smells like roses; corollary to this is not trying to accumulate better life experiences after recognizing the fact that you’re a douche. Actually, that last bit doesn’t make you a douche, but it does make you a lazy fatass.
4. Acting and dressing like a rock star when, in fact, you are a total and utter douchebag and everybody knows it. Your personal style had better be congruent with your personality or else you’re walking around with a sign that says, “Look, I’m a douche!”
(Yyyyyyooooooooooooo!)
5. You’re picture has shown up on this website.
6. You spritz yourself liberally with Axe Body Spray before dates. And you’re 30. And you think it’s cool. Gross. Contrary to some creative marketing, there is no Axe Effect and a stinky spray-on deodorant won’t get you laid. Go buy some Cool Water or something, you dumb bastard.
7. You talk incessantly about your high paying job and phat ride when in actuality you are an office monkey with no inner life and no adventurousness and you’re using your material possessions and professional status to mask your glaring, mega-douche deficiencies. Douchey. Very douchey.
8. You bag on gay people and you’ve never met a queer or dyke in your entire life. Corollary is hating on blacks and any other race even though you’ve never had direct relationships with people of any of race, ethnicity, or persuasion other than your own. That means you, you whitebread myopic dickweed.
9. You’re in a LTR or married and you hit on all your female co-workers and friend’s girlfriends and you have absolute shite for game. One fast way to get labeled a douche.
10. Ditching your guy friends to go hang out with a chick that you have no shot with. Who among us hasn’t committed this cardinal sin? Anyone? Yeah, I’ve done it too. Your guy friends are the bedrock of your life. Do not, under any circumstances, ditch sports night with the dudes so you can throw yourself at the hottie you’ve been trying to get with for the last six months. If you haven’t hooked up with her yet, it ain’t happening. This is such a big douche move that I’m going to go one step further and say don’t ditch your guy friends to hook up with a chick you DO have a chance with. Bro’s before ho’s, dude. If she wants your jock, she’ll wait till the next open date on your calendar.
Any more douchey moves you want to add to the list? Leave in comments section.
Related posts:
- I am Pimp I’m a pimp. Cool? Here’s what we’re all about. My...
- 5 Girlfriends At Once Today I want to talk about having multiple girlfriends. That’s...
- Why Having 5 Girlfriends is a Good Thing This post is in response to Honey’s post here, and...
- Are Flowers and Dinner OK for V-Day? Should you go the conventional route and do flowers and...
Nice, I like #1, cause I have some friends that are dating a girl just cause she’s easy and they’re afraid to move on, even tho they know they don’t love the person. And they talk trash behind their backs. Those guys are the worst pathetic pieces of shit.
LOVE IT!! I believe we were discussing this earlier.
I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard at a blog post in ages. You are refreshingly honest! Your first one is by the far the most prevalent and is the act of cowardly men the world over. I haven’t used the word ‘douchebag’ in ages but it may start entering my vocab again!
NML’s last blog post..The Justifying Zone: when a woman needs to justify her emotional or sexual investment
1, 2 & 3 are bloody daily occurrences!
See it all the time, and for some reason I think I have a douchebag magnet in my purse, or a sign on my back cause I swear, I meet these knobs all the time!!!!
are you following me? lol
hilarious!
Great post.
The working def for “douchebag” around these parts is: “He who thinks he’s cool, but isn’t.”
This is typically exacerbated by a peculiar tendency to pretty much feel the need to remind everyone how cool he is, because they obviously will never figure that out on their own.
So in other words, you basically nailed it. LOL
Be Good,
Scot McKay
X & Y Communications
Dude, this is a great post. Although I do use Axe sometimes lol
I hate guys for pulling No. 10
Stoute Out!
Mike Stoute’s last blog post..Drake’s Tech Tips – Shoes Off
Stoute, thanks for reading. You’re a douche! Just kidding. BTW, I love TSB. Love it.
I am digging your writing too. There are a lot of people blogging in this niche, but not too many with class
Mike Stoute’s last blog post..Drake’s Tech Tips – Shoes Off
Dammit cool water really does smell niiice lol
Great post lance, I’m wondering how do you know the characteristics of a douchebag so well? *winks*
HAF
Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..Why YOU Are Getting Too Far Ahead Of Yourself To Score A Date!
[...] Trust Me and Why Ladies Really Hate Players. When I saw that Lance wrote an article called 10 Signs You Might Be A Complete Douchebag, my heart skipped a beat. I’m as smitten as my cold twisted heart can let me [...]
Oh god, number 10 rings true. I’m going to modify that a little and still say you’re a douchebag even if you’re in a relationship with her and you keep ditching your friends and/or having to check in with her. GROW. SOME. BALLS.
The Virgin’s last blog post..Dr. Phil ?Women Beware? thoughts
Alright, I got one for the list.
11. Shadow Boxing and other random douche bag acts/antics in the gym. We get it. You are in shape, you box, or surf, or do something else that requires you to take off your shirt (A douche bag lives to take of his shirt, he needs to take off his shirt, it is like a drug for them to see their own abs). But please, don’t shadow box, lift up your shirt and show the gym your abs, bring your cell phone into the gym and TALK ON IT WHILE LIFTING, wear anything from Armani exchange, or take a shower in any type of cologne before you workout, all of these acts aren’t necessary, and just make me want to kill you even more. If you do any of the following while in the gym, please follow the steps below:
1. KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF!
2. KILL YOURSELF
3. If step 2 was not successful, please repeat until fulfilled.
12. Carrying a fake fucking Louis Vuitton bag when you “jet set” to New York, Las Vegas, or any other Douche Bag Hot Spot with your dime-piece bitches (whose real names you will never reveal because we all know they are MAYBE 5′s). We all know you bought those aviators at American Eagle, and that your gorgeous “duffel” is a knock off from your last trip to Canal Street. If any of you see a gel-head douche bag that fits the description above, kindly slap the $6.00 Starbucks out of Senor Shadowboxer’s hands all over his fucking bag and instruct him to follow the steps listed above. The same goes for trying to rock a watch you got at the flea market and pass it off for a Vebenna or Toy Watch. Grow the fuck up.
13. Counting your money in public. Don’t even follow step one. I hope you get robbed and shot so someone else can kill you. It’s the ultimate act of shallow douche baggery.
I love it! Being from Portland, OR and living in LA for a few months made me realize and open my eyes to these tools! There is one at my work right now. Everyone, grab your pitchforks and sharp sticks!! Hahahaha.
Anti-Scrote: I’m glad you liked the post and thanks for visiting!
Another sign of a douche is a guy who treats you like shit so you will break up with him, because he’s too much of a lowlife coward to do it himself. Or, the second version of this douche is the guy who suddenly ignores you like you were never there, then tell his friends you are stalking him when you are only trying to find out what the heck happened. Douche men have no balls. Real men don’t treat women like crap!
Agreed… like… a lot
Brad´s last blog post…People SUCK
excellent summary of a douche…any douche who reads this and IS a douche will know it.
Your gay
Your use of the word “gay” as a derogatory sentiment in point #3 doesn’t mesh with point #8. Consider using a different word.
If you wear a speedo and you are not in a swimming competition, you might be a douche.
If you wear a friction reducing running suit and you are not in, or training for, the
Olympics, you might be a douche.
If you wear T-shirts that are way too small to show off your muscles, you might be a douche.
If you attempt dance moves that require large body movements and lots of space on a crowded dance floor, you might be a douche.
If you talk about your tatoos, piercings, or clothing lables and prices, even though nobody asked you about them, you might be a douche.
If you say things like “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed in the morning.”, you might be a douche.
If you are talking to another guy and you go into great detail about what you would like to do to a woman if she had sex with you, you are a creepy SOB, and, yes, you are a douche.
Awesome! Thanks for weighing in David! I may be guilty of at least 3 of these…
This is really funny. Sadly, I’ve had some buddies who engaged in douche behavior 9 way too much. Worse is when they ask me not to tell their girlfriend or wife what a douche they are. Worse yet is when they hit on my girlfriend, then try to convince me they really aren’t a douche. Does that make them a super douche? (It made them an ex-friend!)
dadshouse´s last blog post…Sweet Pick Up Lines for Any Occasion
Symptoms of Douche Baggery:
Lot’s of gell in hair.
Using Snoop language (izzle, etc)
overly concerned with appearences
loud when drunk
able to stand being around other douche bags
being a rapist
ps Recent Study Found 90% of American males between 15 and 35 years of age to be douches!
So that’s what that smell is!
If you write “You’re” when you should have written “Your”
YOU MIGHT BE A DOUCHE BAGGG!
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
this list is, no doubt, the best decriptions of douchebags i have ever seen. maybe adding “taking pictures of youself and posting it on facebook” or “updating your status on facebook talking about how much you worked out at the gym” or “pictures of you working out at the gym with your affliction/ed hardy shirt with maybe a hat on” hahaha. just some suggestions; other than that excellent list!
This list is, no doubt, the best decriptions of douchebags i have ever seen. maybe adding “taking pictures of youself and posting it on facebook” or “updating your status on facebook talking about how much you worked out at the gym” or “pictures of you working out at the gym with your affliction/ed hardy shirt with maybe a hat on” hahaha. Or taking pictures of your ghetto as tattoo and saying that it means so much to you when in reality you just got it to get some poonani. just some suggestions; other than that excellent list!
Good points, however, If I have to make the descision on whether to hang out with my guy friends or a hot chick, I am going to hang out with the hot chick….the guy friends can wait..
You forgot a person going to subway ordering a sub with italian dressing. then taking two bites out of it then telling the working there’s to much italian dressing. on it and throw it away and make the person a new one. why there’s people starving in the world. or knowing your credit card is going to be denied. but ordering over $20 in food anyways !
So if it takes one to know one, then all this must mean that you are the archetypical douchebag.
Well if the old addage that “it takes one to know one” holds true, this article would mean that you, Lance, are an uber douche.
you forgot some of the douchiest of douches…abercrombie and fitch “bikers” people who think they know karate but don’t, people who trick out their dodge neons,white people with dreadlocks or corn rows,anyone with flame tattoos, guys who hit on or whistle at girls while they’re with their boyfriends,people who scream at the tv and break shit when their football team is losing, anyone who suddenly became a redneck after watching blue collar comedy tour,volunteer firemen who wear their scanners everywhere,and people who buy previously expensive vehicles with 200,000 miles dirt cheap so people will think they have money.
Don’t forget to add 40-50 somethings in Afflication t-shirts driving H2′s.
LMAO. My friend will be so mad right now, if she had read any of these.
While I like the idea behind the article, you seem like exactly the douche-nozzle you purport to hate.
I’ve never been called a douche-nozzle before. Cool!
Hi guys,
I have a certain issue with a guy I know, I don’t how to treat him anymore, he’s such a feckin douchebag, what to do?
peace
/H
Bros before hoes? Come on man. No matter how true, you just said douche-bag motto number one.
This is a pretty crappy list for 3 reasons.
1)You argue that a “douche” is someone who hates gay people or black people when they haven’t had any interaction with people of a different race. Is this implying that it’s ok to hate black people as long as you know a couple?
2)You argue that a “douche” is someone who hates gay people, and then you use the word “gay” as a synonym for stupid.
3)You argue that a douche is someone who acts like a rock-star, even though they are a douche. Well, obviously. If they are a douche, then they are by definition a douche. I could just as easily say that a douche is someone who dresses like a drunken astronaut with three legs, when in reality they are a douche. It contributes nothing.
wow someone seems to be an awfully bitter douchasaurus rex
Douchebag is actually a self-referential insult. The only people who call other people douchebag are, in fact, douchebags themselves. The worst, of course, is the truncated ‘douche,’ spoken so eloquently by the most douchebag fratboys you’ll ever meet…
q.e.d.
If you call someone else a douchebag, chances are, you’re actually a douchebag yourself.
q.e.d.
OMG WHO TOOK THAT PIC OF ME????