About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

10 Reasons Why Undergrad Girls Are Lame

By on Feb 26, 2008 in Field Report, Style

I was having lunch near campus the other day, and because I happened to be by myself I had the dubious privilege of overhearing three undergraduate girls’ conversation. While they were pretty enough, they were living proof of why youth is boring. And yet, I see girls in their late 20s and early 30s trying like hell to cling to something that was never attractive in the first place! Here are the top 10 reasons why undergrad girls are lame. If you are 18-22, you will really stand out from the crowd if you avoid these behaviors. And, unfortunately, if you are older than 22 you will probably also really stand out from the crowd if you avoid these behaviors.

1. Talk about how icky hard liquor is unless you mix it with something. The undergrads I overheard suggested vanilla vodka with “lots of coke.” I suggest growing the fuck up and ordering, oh, I don’t know, a martini? My personal favorite is a G&T. I also appreciate a solid microbrew or imported beer (not Heineken). Whatever you do, and this goes for guys and girls, if you ever go to a fucking brewery and order a Bud Light you deserve to be shot on sight.

2. Equate your social worth with your posessions. The majority of lunch was taken up with the story of how one girl’s mom got into a heated battle with a twenty-something at T.J. Maxx just so the mom could buy the girl in question a Juicy purse at a discount. Apparently they kept stealing the purse out of each other’s carts until the mom went to the manager; in the face of this aggression, the twenty-something backed down. So not only was the girl totally lame, she brought her mom down with her. Fucking low.

3. Pretend to be stupid as a way of relating to people. Another third of lunch was taken up with how difficult GenEd-level biology is. “Look at this!” One girl exclaimed. “It’s all the veins and arteries, and that’s just Chapter One! I have to learn arms–the right arm and the left arm! Right leg, left leg, brain…why do I have to learn about the brain? I don’t care what it does, just as long as it works. And if it doesn’t, that’s why you pay someone millions of dollars to fix it.” The other girls are quick to agree. Here’s a shocking suggestion: be good at something, and be proud of it.

4. Wear Uggs with mini skirts. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

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Oh, and don’t wear oversize sweaters with leggings, either. Just let the 80s R.I.P., please.

5. Use complaints as your default conversational mode. Wow, I’m totally feeling sorry for you that your parents refused to buy you that Juicy purse (see above)/Suburban/Tiffany charm bracelet. Oh, wait–actually, your entitled attitude is completely unattractive. It’s Clap of the character, and you should ditch it, stat.

6. Believe some douchebag is cool just because he says so. I totally fell for this my freshmen year of college–he was so damn impressed with himself that I assumed he must be awesome. Actually, he was a possessive asshole who was constantly telling me that I wasn’t good enough for him. Why? Because I was out of his league. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t notice that fact for almost a year because he was so successful at keeping me on the defensive. Remember, it’s just as embarrasing for a girl to end up on this site as a guy. Don’t be that girl.

7. Have fake hair, nails, boobs…you get the idea. I know early twentysomethings are too young to have seen the episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air where Will Smith gets locked in the basement with his date only to find out her entire appearance is one big lie, but you should really Netflix it or something. Do you seriously think you are ever going to stand out by conforming as much as humanly possible? Plus you should save cosmetic surgery for your forties, when you’re gonna need it. Check out this thread on HonestForum.com for more on this issue.

8. Truly believe your high school years were the best of your life. Or, you’ve graduated college and believe your college years were the best of your life. Every year should be the best year of your life. If it’s not, something’s terribly wrong. Not only that, but it’s your fault. Try a little self-improvement on for size, get a new hobby, join a singles club, take a vacation. Repeat: if your life is boring, it’s your fault.

9. Truly believe that you will make $60,000 to start upon graduation from college just because you’re “awesome.” Majoring in retail and consumer science and having a summer internship with Macy’s does not mean that you will be a buyer for them, or that you will make a living running a trendy boutique, or much of anything at all. Sad to say, but a bachelor’s degree is the new high school diploma. Also, if you didn’t take school seriously while you were there, why would an employer ever believe you’ll work hard for them?

10. Flirt with guys to boost your self-esteem. Lame. Just lame. Social worth comes from within, and until you realize that, you’re only going to attract douchebags. That is, until you’re 30 and then you’re too old for regular douchebags to hit on you. Then you’re into 40-something douchebag land, and there’s no way to recover from that.

Hopefully, when those girls from lunch get a little older they will become more interesting, but I’ve seen enough lame older people to know that the odds are slim. But it doesn’t have to happen to you! Even if you were lame in your youth (and there are pictures of me with acrylic nails out there somewhere), please, please don’t try to cling to your late teens and early twenties. Everyone can always tell, and it’s just sad…increasingly so as you get older. Plus, it’s much sexier to be proud of whatever you’ve achieved since graduating. Which means that you have to actually achieve something. So get on that!

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  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    I distinctly remember the last time I sarged college girls. This was last May, in Gainesville, and I was at a bar across from campus. Totally packed. Hot chicks everyone. All undergrads. I sat at a table with four chicks, they looked at me funny, and I proceeded to plow. After about five minutes I realized they were dumb as rocks and I just couldn’t get past it. Very little going on upstairs. So I helped myself to their beer and made fun of them. Would I have bonked them? Of course. But jesus. Read some books or something.

    Most guys my age would still look past all that get with an undergrad. It’s the way we’re wired. Grunt.

    Honey, you should become a champion for making young women less douchey. What’s the douchebag term for a chick? Douchette? I don’t even know. But if there’s a mass of men out there who are chodes and pussies and need help, I’d love to see something for chicks also.

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Fuck, I just found the term for a female douchebag in the Urban Dictionary. It’s a douchbaguette. Brilliant. I just now added that to my daily vocabulary.

    “An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic she appears.”

  • Lilly

    Oh, no, I took a girl out who was a douchebaguette. She was 30ish, Masters degree, ridiculously hot body, and you know how I like them, skinny, athletic, fake boobs, but was one of the most boring persons I’ve ever talked to. I had to take her out twice just to make sure and I just couldn’t get over it. That compounded with her incessant talk about nothing, her favorite restaurant was a major chain (BORING!!), and she lived 30 minutes away in BFE. They’re out there and there’s more of them than you think.

    Also, Lance, think about this: Since guys are doing most of the chasing and trying to whoo the women, what incentive does a female with choices have to read any self-help books and make herself a better person? NONE!! I know of quite a few women who are well into their 30s and don’t understand why they’re not married with kids. I can tell them in two seconds that if they made a few minor changes to their lives it would make a HUGE difference.

    I think it’s really cool that there are girls (HAF I’m talking about you in particular) who are taking this stuff up as it makes my life more interesting when I date.

  • http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com Hot Alpha Female

    Hey guys,
    Sorry I haven’t been commenting recently. Apparently studying, working and blogging don’t go that well together.

    This is a great post and I have a lot to say =)

    The first thing that comes to mind is that undergraduate guys are just as bad as undergraduate girls. Both are pretty lame and talk about nothing that is particularly interesting or intelligent.

    Actually when I first entered uni, I had this thought that only all the smart ones had gotten a high enough mark to get into uni and that would therefore mean .. that they would be more interesting/complex/more sophisticated people.

    I have since figured out .. that im very naive.

    The second more depressing point .. is that I am currently at uni .. smack bang in the middle age category of 20.

    However with that said im not really relating to any of those points that you posted lance. However after I read your post and was out and about at uni .. I did actually start to notice how useless and blonde the conversations were around campus.

    It actually did make my day much better because I was pissing myself laughing at all the petty things these people were talking about.

    There is one thing that I believe though. That while you say the majority of undergraduates may be immature and empty in the head. I don’t really think that you can judge someone just by something as superficial as age or if they are studying or not. I think that there are expectations to every rule.

    In terms of maturity and what not .. saying all undergraduates are immature and dumb .. Is like saying that all guys over 40 are mature. I know for a fact that .. that isn’t true.

    I have talked to 28 year olds who act like teenagers. N I have talked to 20 year olds who have poise and experience which is beyond their years.

    Who knows though. Maybe im just in denial because im still an undergraduate Lol

    In regards to what Lilly said. In asking the question when do girls find the time to get into personal development? Well im not so sure that its the fact that they don’t have enough time. I just think that a lot of them don’t even have the maturity level to want to look into that area. Its not even on their radar, that they could be getting into that stuff.

    Usually people only turn to personal development when their life is going down the gurgler and they are looking for a way out. For me, my dad introduced me to it when I was a teenager and I found a passion for learning about these new and empowering concepts, that so many people are ignorant of.

    But I have discovered that people in uni have never even touched on personal development at all and I do find a lot of the guys there, quite immature and lacking any mental depth.

    Unless of course you want to talk about study, drinking and the latest thing that happened on the OC …

    Hot Alpha Female

    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..How Far Will The Modern Woman Go – Who Gets To Make The Proposal?

  • Heather

    Gentlemen: if she’s “skinny and athletic with fake boobs”, she didn’t fall out of the sky from the lap of Thor that way, nor does she look this way for no apparent reason. She looks that way because SHE INVESTED IN IT:

    1. She has no other assets on the inside, especially in her cranium,

    2. She felt insecure about this and decided to amp her competitive chances against other women the easier way, e.g., boob job, tanning table, butter-color Miss Clairol from Duane Reade ($7.49), artificial high voice, jiggle,

    3. And she knows it works on you.

    Men, from a woman in Hollywood, please accept this universal truth: if she looks like a magazine ad, her bells and whistles cost money. Guess who will be footing the bill for that stuff if he gets with her.

    Women do not naturally look “skinny, athletic, boob job”. Looking that way costs money. Men who opt for this model better be prepared to pay on her investment, or she will dump them for one who will. Men are dime and dozen and you all look, smell and f–k the same. What’s so special about you?

    Better be a lot of dough or you’re swapped.

    Wake up, douchebags.