I was having lunch near campus the other day, and because I happened to be by myself I had the dubious privilege of overhearing three undergraduate girls’ conversation. While they were pretty enough, they were living proof of why youth is boring. And yet, I see girls in their late 20s and early 30s trying like hell to cling to something that was never attractive in the first place! Here are the top 10 reasons why undergrad girls are lame. If you are 18-22, you will really stand out from the crowd if you avoid these behaviors. And, unfortunately, if you are older than 22 you will probably also really stand out from the crowd if you avoid these behaviors.
1. Talk about how icky hard liquor is unless you mix it with something. The undergrads I overheard suggested vanilla vodka with “lots of coke.” I suggest growing the fuck up and ordering, oh, I don’t know, a martini? My personal favorite is a G&T. I also appreciate a solid microbrew or imported beer (not Heineken). Whatever you do, and this goes for guys and girls, if you ever go to a fucking brewery and order a Bud Light you deserve to be shot on sight.
2. Equate your social worth with your posessions. The majority of lunch was taken up with the story of how one girl’s mom got into a heated battle with a twenty-something at T.J. Maxx just so the mom could buy the girl in question a Juicy purse at a discount. Apparently they kept stealing the purse out of each other’s carts until the mom went to the manager; in the face of this aggression, the twenty-something backed down. So not only was the girl totally lame, she brought her mom down with her. Fucking low.
3. Pretend to be stupid as a way of relating to people. Another third of lunch was taken up with how difficult GenEd-level biology is. “Look at this!” One girl exclaimed. “It’s all the veins and arteries, and that’s just Chapter One! I have to learn arms–the right arm and the left arm! Right leg, left leg, brain…why do I have to learn about the brain? I don’t care what it does, just as long as it works. And if it doesn’t, that’s why you pay someone millions of dollars to fix it.” The other girls are quick to agree. Here’s a shocking suggestion: be good at something, and be proud of it.
4. Wear Uggs with mini skirts. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
Oh, and don’t wear oversize sweaters with leggings, either. Just let the 80s R.I.P., please.
5. Use complaints as your default conversational mode. Wow, I’m totally feeling sorry for you that your parents refused to buy you that Juicy purse (see above)/Suburban/Tiffany charm bracelet. Oh, wait–actually, your entitled attitude is completely unattractive. It’s Clap of the character, and you should ditch it, stat.
6. Believe some douchebag is cool just because he says so. I totally fell for this my freshmen year of college–he was so damn impressed with himself that I assumed he must be awesome. Actually, he was a possessive asshole who was constantly telling me that I wasn’t good enough for him. Why? Because I was out of his league. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t notice that fact for almost a year because he was so successful at keeping me on the defensive. Remember, it’s just as embarrasing for a girl to end up on this site as a guy. Don’t be that girl.
7. Have fake hair, nails, boobs…you get the idea. I know early twentysomethings are too young to have seen the episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air where Will Smith gets locked in the basement with his date only to find out her entire appearance is one big lie, but you should really Netflix it or something. Do you seriously think you are ever going to stand out by conforming as much as humanly possible? Plus you should save cosmetic surgery for your forties, when you’re gonna need it. Check out this thread on HonestForum.com for more on this issue.
8. Truly believe your high school years were the best of your life. Or, you’ve graduated college and believe your college years were the best of your life. Every year should be the best year of your life. If it’s not, something’s terribly wrong. Not only that, but it’s your fault. Try a little self-improvement on for size, get a new hobby, join a singles club, take a vacation. Repeat: if your life is boring, it’s your fault.
9. Truly believe that you will make $60,000 to start upon graduation from college just because you’re “awesome.” Majoring in retail and consumer science and having a summer internship with Macy’s does not mean that you will be a buyer for them, or that you will make a living running a trendy boutique, or much of anything at all. Sad to say, but a bachelor’s degree is the new high school diploma. Also, if you didn’t take school seriously while you were there, why would an employer ever believe you’ll work hard for them?
10. Flirt with guys to boost your self-esteem. Lame. Just lame. Social worth comes from within, and until you realize that, you’re only going to attract douchebags. That is, until you’re 30 and then you’re too old for regular douchebags to hit on you. Then you’re into 40-something douchebag land, and there’s no way to recover from that.
Hopefully, when those girls from lunch get a little older they will become more interesting, but I’ve seen enough lame older people to know that the odds are slim. But it doesn’t have to happen to you! Even if you were lame in your youth (and there are pictures of me with acrylic nails out there somewhere), please, please don’t try to cling to your late teens and early twenties. Everyone can always tell, and it’s just sad…increasingly so as you get older. Plus, it’s much sexier to be proud of whatever you’ve achieved since graduating. Which means that you have to actually achieve something. So get on that!